"Mal Apropos."

Rector's Wife. "Well, Venables, how do you think we Sold the Jersey Cow?"
Venables. (Factotum and Gardener) "Well, M'm, Master Byles has got the Better o' we a many Times, but—(proudly)—I think as we a' done he to-rights this Turn!!"
"So awkward! and before the Archdeacon, too!"

"A Slip o' the Tongue."

Yachting Biped. "Then you'll Look us up at Primrose 'ill?"
New Acquaintance (gentlemanly man). "Oh, yes—near the 'Zoo,' isn't it? We often drop in and have a Look at the Monkeys!"

Confession in Confusion.

Priest. "Now, tell me, Doolan, truthfully, how often do you go to Chapel?"
Pat. "Will, now, shure oi'll till yer Riv'rence the Trut'. Faix, I go as often I can avoid!"

The New Running Drill.

(A respectful appeal to His Royal Highness the Commander-in-Chief.)
Captain Bluard, as he appeared in Command of his Company.

Our Military Manœuvres.

Irish Drill-Sergeant (to Squad of Militiamen). "Pr's'nt 'Rrms!"—(Astonishing result.)—"Hiv'ns! what a 'Prisint'! Jist stip out here now, an' look at yersilves!!"

The Race not yet Extinct.

Country Excursionist (just landed at G. W. Terminus). "Could you inform me what these 'ere Busses charge from Paddington to the Bank?"
Dundreary (with an effort). "Au-h, po' m'Soul, haven't an Idea-h! Never wode 'n one in m'Life! Should say a mere Twifle! P'waps a Shilling, or Two Shillings. 'Don't think the Wascals could have the Conscience to charge you more than Thwee Shillings! 'Wouldn't pay more than Four! I'd see 'em at the D-D-Doo-ooce!"

A Dilemma.

Party (overcome by the heat of the Weather). "Hoy! Cab!"
Driver. "All Right, Sir, if you'll just Walk to the Gate."
Party. "O, Bother! Walking to 'Gate!"
Driver. "Well, Sir, if you can't get through, I don't see how I can get over!"

Adjustment.

Bootmaker (who has a deal of trouble with this Customer). "I think, Sir, if you were to Cut your Corns, I could more easily find you a Pair——"
Choleric Old Gentleman. "Cut my Corns, Sir!—I ask you to Fit me a Pair o' Boots to my Feet, Sir!—I'm not going to Plane my Feet down to Fit your Boots!!!"

A Mine of Speculation.

Dealer (to Wavering Customer). "Well, of Course we all Know that—he's got 'is Bad Points an' 'is Good Points; but what I say is, there's no Deception about 'is Bad Points—we can See 'em. But we can't none of us Tell 'ow many Good Points he may 'ave till we comes to Know 'im!!" The "Party" took time to consider.

"Argumentum ad Hominem!"

Dealer. "I know you don't like his 'Ead, and I allow he ain't got a purty 'Ead; but Lor'—now look at Gladstone, the cleverest Man in all England!—and look at 'is 'Ead"!!!

Veneration.

Lodger. "I shall not Dine at Home to-day, Ma'am, but I've a Friend coming this Evening. If you could Give us Something Nice for Supper——"
Landlady (Low Church). "Would you like the Remainder of the Cold Turkey—ah ('feels a delicacy')—hem! Beelze-bubbed, Sir?"

A Soft Answer.

Irascible Old Gent. "Waiter! This Plate is quite Cold!"
Waiter. "Yessir, but the Chop is 'ot, Sir, which I think you'll find it'll Warm up the Plate nicely, Sir!"