PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Volume 108, February 16, 1895.
edited by Sir Francis Burnand

THE NON-CAPITALIST'S VADE MECUM.

Question. Having no cash you wish to make a living. Kindly tell me the objections to sweeping a crossing?

Answer. A small sum of money would be necessary to purchase a broom—a preliminary step that could not be surmounted.

Q. Quite so. And would a like difficulty arise to prevent you selling lucifers?

A. Certainly, for matches suitable for street hawking cannot be obtained on credit.

Q. Would a clerkship be within your reach?

A. Scarcely, as a new suit, or a nearly new suit of clothes would be requisite to give one the air of respectability necessary for securing an audience with an employer.

Q. Could you not become a company promoter?

A. Not with safety, now that the winding-up business is superintended by a judge capable of understanding the intricacies of city finance.

Q. Is there any opening for you as a cab-driver?

A. No, as a license cannot be obtained for love, but must be bought with money.

Q. Surely you have a chance as a slave to journalism?

A. Writing for the press is at all times precarious, and is, moreover, a calling which cannot be followed without a small but impossible expenditure on pens, ink. and paper.

Q. Has not life sometimes been supported by the successful attempts to borrow from one's friends?

A. Yes, but this financial condition will have been enjoyed and abandoned before one can truthfully style oneself an ex-capitalist.

Q. The sale of information of an interesting character to those concerned has sometimes—has it not—been found of a profitable nature?

A. Occasionally, but this again is not only an unpleasant but a dangerous operation, and if resisted, may end with an entirely embarrassing prosecution at the Old Bailey.

Q. Then having no cash, no credit, and no references, what career is open to you?

A. But one—to become the responsible manager of a theatrical company touring in the provinces.

"Tempora Mutantur."—In these days of very late dining hours a performance at 5 P.M., if over at 7, or 7.15 at latest, ought to suit those whose daily work is over about 4 or 4.30, and who dislike "turning out" after dinner if they are at home, and who cannot get away from any dinner party if they are out in time to see even half of the entertainment. The matinée at two is a very difficult time, as it clashes with lunch; but as tea can be taken in the entr'actes, five o'clock seems a very reasonable hour, that is, if the show be over at 7.15, and the dinner hour be 8 or 8.15.

TRUE DIGNITY.

Barbara. "Oh, Mother dear, I've got such a Pain!"

Mother. "Have you, Darling? Where?"

Barbara. "In the Proper Place, of course!"

HINTS TO SKATERS ON ETIQUETTE AND DEPORTMENT.

Do not venture on the ice until you can skate properly. Practice the various steps and evolutions before a looking-glass in your bed-room.

There is a great art in falling gracefully, and it is surprising what a number of interesting, complicated, and unlooked-for attitudes and figures can be thus developed. To ensure perfect confidence at the critical moment, it is as well to hire somebody, say a professional wrestler or prize-fighter, to trip you up and knock you down in all the possible methods. A mattress may be used for beginners to fall on. The more improbable your manner of tumbling, the greater success will you achieve in the eyes of the on-lookers.

When skating with a lady, you may cross hands, but it is unusual for you to put your arm round her waist. This is only done in great emergencies, or in a thick fog, or when you have the pond to yourselves. It is generally found that this proceeding is equivalent to skating on very thin ice, and will lead to dangerous consequences.

If, however, a lady, who evidently has not complete control of herself, and does not readily answer her helm, steers straight into your arms, you should accept the situation in your best ball-room manner. Do not attempt to avoid a collision, as if you dodge suddenly, the lady, on failing to meet your support, will probably sit down abruptly on the ice, or get entangled with a sweeper.

Should you, owing to any unforeseen circumstance, find yourself prostrated at a young lady's feet, do not place your hand on your heart and say she is the only girl you ever loved. These little scenes are apt to collect a crowd. Merely say you stopped to examine the thickness of the ice, or any little plaisanterie you feel capable of inventing. Then retire to a discreet distance and rub yourself.

If the ice gives way, and you find yourself in the water, get out as speedily as possible. I do not advise drowning. It is always a wet and uncomfortable process, and has very few recommendations. It is, moreover, quite fatal to true enjoyment, and only those who are morbidly anxious for a "par" in the papers will habitually resort to this mode of creating a sensation.

Do not hit people much with any stick you may think it de rigueur to brandish about. Such personal attentions are best performed when you and a string of ten or twelve other 'Arries are banded together. You can then stand up without fear for the rights of the high-spirited young citizen to enjoy himself.

There is nothing that figure-skaters so much appreciate as the sudden inroad of hockey-players in their midst. It adds immensely to their zest to feel they are liable to be knocked over in the middle of an exciting "rocker" or "mohawk"; and, of course, they like their combined figures to be nicely disarranged, as it enables them to show their skill in sorting themselves again. Hockey should therefore be indulged in anywhere and everywhere.

Lastly, if you prefer sliding to skating, do not slide in a top-hat and frock-coat, unless you are a member of the Skating Club, and even then it looks ostentatious. Dress appropriately in some quiet costume of kickseys and pearlies, with a feather in your hat. Wear your billycock at the back of your head, as it will break your falls. Always shout at the top of your voice.

A PLEA FOR THE GHOSTS.