class="sc">Smith—what is it all about?

The plaintiff then entered into a lengthy narrative of certain negotiations about the purchase of a house.

His Lordship (interrupting). Do you want to buy the place, now?

Mr. Smith. No, my Lord, at least——

His Lordship. You said no, and I suppose you meant what you said. And now, Mr. Bands, does you client want to sell the house?

Mr. Bands (promptly). Certainly not, my Lord; but perhaps you will allow me to explain.

His Lordship. Explanation absolutely unnecessary. No order, and Mr. Snooks, as he has gone to the expense of instructing (to my mind absolutely unnecessarily) counsel, will have the pleasure of paying for the luxury. Next case.

In this instance both the litigants appeared in person. The question in dispute was a right-of-way.

His Lordship. Now, gentlemen, although you have elected to appear before me without any intermediary, I am bound to tell you that if the matter is carried further—to superior courts—you will find yourselves both landed in heavy costs. What do you say, Mr. Johnson?

Mr. Johnson (one of the litigants). Well, of course, my Lord, I don't want that; but if I win my cause, why Mr. Thompson will have to pay for us both.

His Lordship. Come, come; I see there is a good deal of personal feeling in this matter. Take my advice and settle it amicably. I do not sit on this bench to encourage gambling, but if either of you has in his possession, what I believe was called by Mr. Box in the case of Box versus Cox, a "tossing" sixpence, you might come to an understanding in five minutes. I will wait until you have conferred with one another.

The litigants upon this invitation held a consultation.

Mr. Johnson. It is all right, my Lord. I called heads, and——

His Lordship (interrupting). I don't want to hear anything about that so long as Box and Cox—I should say, Johnson and Thompson—are satisfied, the rest is immaterial. And now, is there any further business before me?

His Lordship was informed that there were ten causes to be heard, and that all the parties were in attendance.

His Lordship. Am I to understand that not only counsel but their clients are present.

Mr. Bands (after consultation). Certainly, my Lord.

His Lordship. Then allow me to address them en bloc. Now I am quite sure that a few minutes' conversation amongst yourselves will set everything right. Commence with the very sensible assumption that anything is better than litigation, and see what comes of it. I will retire to my room to let you have a chat in comfort. When you are all ready, send for me. But mind, take my advice, and hold to the sensible assumption that anything is better than litigation.

His Lordship then retired, and the parties interested acted upon his suggestion. After a quarter of an hour's conference the Judge was summoned into Court.

His Lordship. Well, and what is the decision?

Mr. Bands (in a melancholy tone). May it please your Lordship all the cases have been settled out of court.

His Lordship. So much the better. And now as I have cleared off my entire list, I bid you an affectionate farewell.

The Court was then adjourned sine die.

Shakspeare's Advice after the L. C. C. Election.—"Furnish out a Moderate Table."—Timon of Athens, Act III., Scene 4.

SO VERY NATURAL.

First Friend (sympathetically). "Going strong, Old Chap?"

Second Friend (preoccupied with recent elections). "Moderate. And you?"

First Friend. "Um—progressing."

Second Friend (with only one idea). "Progressive! Then we shall fight in the L. C. C."

First Friend. "L. C. C.! No, no! I meant the Influenza!"

TALL TALES OF SPORT AND ADVENTURE.

(By Mr. Punch's own Short Story-teller.)

I.—THE PINK HIPPOPOTAMUS. (CONCLUDED.)

A dim mysterious light was burning in the stall of the sacred animal. By its rays I was able to see not only the hippopotamus itself, but also the gaping hole in the skylight through which Ganderdown and I had been thus fortuitously projected into its manger. The walls I noticed were thickly panelled with gold slabs, on which were chased mystic emblems connected with the cult of the gigantic beast. Here and there a glittering point caught the light and gave it forth again in a thousand fantastic iridescent rays. One of these was above my head, and as I gazed at it I realised that it was a huge ruby of the first water. In the manger itself were lying shivered fragments of the skylight. I picked one of these up with all possible circumspection. It was a magnificent piece of the very finest diamond. Without another word I crammed all I could lay my hands upon into my pockets and those of Ganderdown. Then I paused to reflect.

The situation was not an easy one. We had arrived, indeed, at our goal; but how should we contrive to get away with our booty? No doubt we could manage to elude the vigilance of the guards if we returned alone. But this was not to be thought of. Either we would take the hippopotamus with us or perish where we lay. I communicated my resolve to my companion, and, as I expected, obtained his emphatic approval. What then was to be done?

All this time, I should state, the huge object of our adventure was calmly munching his evening meal of soaked rice within three inches of the place where Ganderdown and I lay huddled up together. I saw his immense jaws rise and fall with the regularity of some enormous machine, and I was able to look right down into the cavernous recesses of his being. His eyes twinkled occasionally with a sidelong look at us, but he seemed calm and undisturbed, as though he felt that we could not escape him, and that when he had done with his rice there was a double bonne bouche waiting for him in the corner of his manger.

At this moment the shrill voice of a Muezzin sounded weirdly through the stillness of the summer night. Three times he called?, and then once again all was still. A minute or so afterwards I heard a dull tramp, as of a regiment, coming towards the place in which we were sheltered. What could it mean? I took out my watch. The hour was fifteen minutes after midnight. And then, by a sudden effort of memory, I remembered that the dear old Meebhoy had told me that at this hour every night a crowd of fanatical priests and attendants, armed every one of them to the very teeth, came to the stable of their sacred brute in order to take him out for an hour's promenade through the groves and avenues that surround his shrine. The danger, then, was imminent. If we were discovered nothing could save us, and we should perish miserably with our prize within our grasp. My mind was instantly made up.

"Ganderdown," I whispered; "have you ever been inside a hippopotamus?"

"Never; but I was