قراءة كتاب Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, March 23, 1895
تنويه: تعرض هنا نبذة من اول ١٠ صفحات فقط من الكتاب الالكتروني، لقراءة الكتاب كاملا اضغط على الزر “اشتر الآن"
Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, March 23, 1895
Critic.
Experience can't recall.
We tried to find one shred of sense.
There is not one at all!"
[Exit Author, tearing his hair.
THE SONG OF THE SLUGGARD.
["A medical contemporary (The British Medical Journal) asserts that 'The desire to rise early, except in those trained from youth to outdoor pursuits, is commonly a sign, not of strength of character and vigour of body, but of advancing age.'"—Daily Telegraph.]
As he turned in his bed at the dawning of day;
"At last early rising—that fraud—is found out!
Henceforth prigs will leave me alone, I've no doubt!
And no doubt before it, in prose and in rhyme.
Yet truth will prevail, and now Science hath said
That for early morning there's no place like bed!
They've tortured the good, and tormented the wise.
In sermons, and spelling-books, proverbs and tracts,
And now they just find they've mistaken the facts!
For an æon or two, and then find it won't wash!
Lord! how they have stuck up their noses, the prigs,
And compared us to sloths and to somnolent pigs.
Whilst our old foe, the lark, proves pure fiddle-de-dee.
Their healthy, and wealthy, and wise, and what not,
Is exploded at last; it is all tommy-rot!
To go crawling about chilly rooms in the dark;
And if you must rise in the gloom and the cold,
The fact only proves that you're foolish or old!
To turn out like an insect, a bird, or a beast;
For Medical Science has spoken, and said
That the sluggard is right, and there's no place like bed!"
[Curls up, and snores with a clear conscience.
THE DRAMATIC COMMON SENSER-SHIP.
Last week the name of Mr. Redford as newly-appointed Licenser of Plays was announced. This is just to the late Licenser's assistant and deputy. But if the office is to be continued, why should it not be thrown open to competitive examination? A paper of such questions as the following would secure a learned Theban for the office:—
1. Who was the Licenser of Plays in the time of Shakspeare?
2. Translate passages (given) from (α) French dramatists, (β) Italian, (γ) German, (δ) Spanish, (ε) Norwegian, (ζ) Russian, (ἑ) Japanese.
3. Translate passages (given) from the works of English dramatists into the above-mentioned languages.
4. Give your opinion on the following "situations" and "plots," and say whether you consider it in the interests of public morality that they should be licensed for performance or not.
5. State your reasons for such opinions.
6. Is it your opinion that an officer of the Licensing (Play) Department should be in attendance every night at every theatre (a stall being kept for him by the manager on pain of fine or forfeiture of licence) to note if any change or any introduction be made in the dialogue or in any part or portion of the play already licensed? And if not, why not?
7. Would it be, or not, advisable in your opinion that every author, or all the authors when collaborating, should read their own pieces aloud to the Licenser, giving as much action and dramatic illustration as space will allow? And that the low comedians and eccentric comedians, male and female, with songs and dances, should attend, and show (a) what steps they propose taking in the new piece, (b) what words, (c) winks, (d) becks, and (e) wreathed smiles they intend giving in order to point an innuendo or adorn an apparently harmless joke?
8. Do you think that, as an assistant judge on such occasions, one or more experts (at so much an hour) should be present?
9. (a) In your opinion should not every play be seen by the Licenser, duly acted, with the costumes, before a licence can be granted? (b) and then that the licence be granted only on the condition that no alteration in word or action be made at any time, and under no pretence whatever, during the run, on pain of forfeiture of licence?
The above suggestions will serve as a foundation for some future Licensing Exam.-paper.
COURTLY QUADRUPEDS.
(To the Editor of the "Sp-ct-tor.")
Sir,—I am sure you will be glad to have another veracious story about Animal Etiquette. During the recent frost we hung a bone up in the garden for the starving birds to peck at, and one of our dogs—a collie—was mean enough to steal it. Next day we noticed him limping, and were surprised to find a great gash across one of his paws. I at once understood what had happened. Our other dogs had evidently thought stealing the bone under the circumstances was very bad form, and the collie had been cut by them!
Yours sympathetically,
Parish Pump.
Sir,—I find that even kittens have a code of etiquette, and understand the niceties of social rank. The other day our kitten was on the table, when a winged creature which I took for a fly settled just in front of it. Pussy immediately gracefully retreated backwards till, on arriving at the edge, she slid to the ground. At first I put down her behaviour to fright, but it was nothing of the sort. It was a pure act of courtesy. The supposed fly was a lady-bird! Our intelligent little animal had shown her instinctive respect for title and sex, which was naturally very gratifying to an ardent
Sir,—Our terrier killed a rat yesterday. To-day we saw him, for no obvious reason, approach the rat-hole again. We all agreed that he must be paying a visit of condolence to the bereaved relatives!
["Tourists and foreigners ... in Athens have been put to great inconvenience on account of the cab strike."—Standard, March