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قراءة كتاب Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, October 5th 1895
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Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, October 5th 1895
PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Vol. 109.
October 5, 1895.
THE WHEELING PASSION
Mr. Wheeler. "I don't see what they want to build a great Wheel like that for!"
Mrs. Wheeler. "No. Why couldn't they have had a Safety, and geared it up to any height they liked?"
CRYSTALISED PALACE'D FRUITS.
Mr. Punch heartily congratulates the Royal Horticultural Society on their grand show of British-grown fruit (none "made in Germany"), and the Crystal Palace Company on the excellent arrangements made for the most advantageous display of these magnificent fruits defendus,—for "forbidden fruit" they certainly are, as, much to the disgust, probably, of the apothecaries and family doctors, the visitor may not taste any of the luscious specimens attractively set before him. They are all "les pommes du voisin," but though "forbidden" their appearance was anything but "forbidding." It came to an end last Saturday, when it is reported that all the fruits were safely got out of the building except one sleepy pear, whom nothing could arouse.
The Ingot and Outgot Silver Case.—So far the police are to be congratulated. The detectives have acted with all the readiness and decision of a Sherlock Holmes. Result so far is, that one Henry Bailey—name of not particularly happy omen in connection with a certain Old Bailey—is in custody, as also are four bars of silver. Bailey was taking four bars rest when arrested and removed.
THE RETREAT OF THE FIFTEEN THOUSAND.
(A British Soldier's View of It.)
["The successful withdrawal, without a shot being fired, of the fifteen thousand men who held the long line from Peshawur to Chitral is a feat not less remarkable in its own way than their victorious advance."—The Times.]
Air—"The Burial of Sir John Moore."
Not a shot was heard, not a stroke we smote,
As we trod our home-journey unhurried.
The papers about us wrote thundering rot,
But Sir Robert kept cool and unflurried.
We'd had heat to encounter, and frost to fight,
Alternately freezing and burning,
And now Umra Khan and his hordes put to flight;
We were quietly homeward returning.
Through the Malakand Pass we as conquerors pressed,
And had vanquished the foe where we found him.
Now, the garrison rescued, the wrong redressed,
Low retired, with his thousands around him.
Few and short are the words he has said,
From palaver no aid did he borrow;
But many a face at their hearing flushed red,
As will millions of others to-morrow.
Six months of hard struggle for heart, hand, and head,
Rough plodding, and comfortless pillow.
Now the foe and the native would stay our home-tread;
There's news to despatch o'er the billow!
Lightly they'll talk of the deeds we have done,
And, some of them, coldly upbraid us.
But little we'll reck if John Bull will read on
The tribute Sir Robert has paid us.
But half of our heavy task was through
When Low passed the word for retiring;
But the Fifteen Thousand in form withdrew
Though without any fighting or firing.
We do not much care if we don't win renown,
Nor shine over brightly in story;
We ask not a line—we crave not a stone,
But we leave dear Old England the glory.
THE RECENT ANYTHING BUT "DEAD-HEAT."
First Sportsman. Awfully hot at Newmarket last week!
Second S. Thought it would be. Had "nothing on," so stayed at home, blinds down, windows open.
"SCRAPS FROM CHAPS."—"Corked" Stout.—The Mitchelstown Guardians were debating on the stout supplied to pauper patients. A Mr. Dineen proposed, "That in future the Treble X stout manufactured by Messrs. Murphy, Cork, be used in the workhouse instead of Guinness's." His argument was that "it would help a local manufacture," and that "the doctors all approved of Murphy's." The chairman suggested that they might "be doing an injustice to the patients by taking in Murphy's stout." Why not put the question to the patients? It is they who will have to "take in Murphy's stout," not the guardians, and they are not likely to "do themselves the injustice" of refusing it if drinkable. Murphy's stout is evidently a light brew, as it was "carried by one." Another guardian described the resolution as a "blow which Guinness didn't deserve"; but Guinness survived the blow, and went up ten points on the Stock Exchange next day.
EUPHEMISM.
Man in Boat. "Come along, old Chap, and let's pull up to Marlow."
Man on Shore. "I think I'll get you to excuse me old Man. I don't like Sculling—it—er—hurts the back of my Head so!"]
PLAYING AT WORK.
A New Morality.
["The working woman of to-day, be she journalist, teacher, or what not, is suffering terribly from fierce competition, and this is largely due to the fact that women who are merely working for pleasure enter the labour market."—"An Old-Fashioned Woman" in the "Daily Chronicle."]
When the Curse of Labour was laid on Man,
Toil's visage glowered grimly,
Alleviations of Fate's stern plan,
The softening spirits in rear and van
Of Labour's march through our Life's brief span,
If seen, were glimpsed but dimly.
Weariness followed, and dulness gloomed,
On the path of mortals to hunger doomed,
And poverty the spirit entombed
As in all too premature charnel;
The ache of limb and the fret of brain,
The slow weak pulse, and the long dull pain,
Grew all familiar; the spirit-strain,
And the sullen revolt again and again,
Of the spiritual and carnal.