such a show of Pheasants and Hares—I expect they must have eaten the poor little beggars between them!"

THE COMMAND OF THE ARMY.

New Style—in the Future. Scene—Interior of the Council Chamber at the War Office. Committee of National Defence in Consultation.

First Member. Well, really, I think the troops should advance.

Second Member. Certainly, but how about their uniforms?

Third Member. Oh, I am responsible for that department. Everything fairly well. At least, I think so.

1st M. Oh, if you only "think so," we had better break off for a while.

[The Committee "break off for a while" and then reassemble.

3rd M. Now everything's right. I thought there was some trouble about the new forage caps. Well, the difficulty has been surmounted, and all is as correct as can be.

1st M. Pleased to hear it. Ammunition up to the mark?

4th M. That's my special department. It may be, but——

3rd M. Oh! Don't you think we had better adjourn a bit?

1st M. Why, certainly.

[They "adjourn a bit," then reassemble.

4th M. Glad I had an opportunity of looking into the affair. Fact is, although we had a lot of cordite, there was certainly——

1st M. Yes, I know. But is it all right now?

4th M. Right! Of course! It never was wrong, but——

1st M. Quite so. Don't let's waste time. How about the transport?

5th M. I am responsible for that. If you really want to move the troops any distance, perhaps I had better——

1st M. It's very annoying! but as you say "you had better" do something or other, let's scatter for a time.

[They "scatter for a time," and reassemble.

5th M. Lucky I overhauled my department. If I hadn't you wouldn't have been able to move the troops a dozen yards.

1st M. But is it all right now? Equipment, ammunition, transport? Are you all right?

Chorus. Yes, Sir.

1st M. (through telephone). Quick, march!

[The troops are moved.

Old Style—in the Past. Scene—Anywhere in front of an Army.

Commander-in-Chief. I vouch for everything! I have only to give the word of command. Quick, march!

[The troops are moved.

THE JOLLY YOUNG WATERMAN.

(Up to Date.)

And did you not hear of the East London Watermen,
Who our requirements failed to supply,
If the weather was hot or was cold in severity
Their pipes and their cisterns were equally dry.
In cold or in heat they charged as steadily,
But water to drink we couldn't get readily;
Yet water or none, with an impudent air,
They charged all the same, and it didn't seem fair.

What sights of distress there were seen in the district,
Its drains were unflushed, and were tainted withal,
(There was always a cause—some "Progressive" obstruction,)
But the party supporting them grew very small;
And often would there be both swearing and sneering,
But 'twas all one to them the complaining and jeering;
For cursing and praying they little did care—
But charged us for water—it didn't seem fair.

But, only to fancy how strangely things happen,
While rates were collected for nothing at all,
The Government Board held a special inquiry,
Which sat for a while in the Hackney Town Hall.
And should this report (to the Company's sorrow)
Be issued to-day, next month, or to-morrow,
The East London Company'd better take care—
As charging for nothing is scarcely quite fair.

No Joe-k.—A Tory "of the old school" has adapted the well-known Virgilian hexameter thus:—Ch-mb-rl-n væ miseræ nimium vicina Carltonæ!

Wrecks and Casualties.—The barque Metropolitan Improvements stranded on the County Council Sands.

SKETCHES FROM SCOTLAND.

At the Drumquhidder Highland Gathering.

Scene—A meadow near Drumquhidder, South Perthshire, where the annual Highland Games are being held. The programme being a long one, there are generally three events being contested in various parts of the ground at the same time. On the benches immediately below the Grand Stand are seated two Drumquhidder worthies, Mr. Parritch and Mr. Havers, with Mrs. McTavish and her niece, two acquaintances from Glasgow, to whom they are endeavouring—not altogether successfully—to make themselves agreeable.

Mr. Havers (in allusion to the dozen or so of drags, landaus, and waggonettes on the ground). There's a number o' machines hier the day, Messis McTarvish, an' a wonderfu' crood; there'll be a bit scarceness ower on yon side, but a gey many a'thegither. I conseeder we're est awfu' forrtunate in the day an' a'.

[Mrs. McTavish assents, but without enthusiasm.

Mr. Parritch. I've jist ben keekin' into the Refraishmen' Tent. It's an awfu' peety they're no pairmeetin' ony intoaxicans—naethin' but non-alcohoalic liquors an' sic like, an' the hawm-sawndwiches no verra tender. (With gallantry.) What do ye say, noo, Messis McTarvish—wull ye no come an' tak' a bite wi' me?

Mrs. McTavish (distantly). Ah'm no feelin' able for't jist the noo, Mester Pairritch.

Mr. Parr. Ye'll hae a boatle o' leemonade at my expense? Ye'll no? Then ye wull, Mess Rawse. (With relief, as Miss Rose declines also.) Aweel, I jist thocht I'd pit the quaistion. (To a friend of his, who joins them.) An' hoo's a' wi' ye, Mester McKerrow? Ye're a member o' the Cawmittee, I obsairve, sae I'll hae to keck up a bet row wi' ye.

Mr. McKerrow (unconcernedly). Then ye'll jist to hae to keck it doon again. What's wrang the noo?

Mr. Parr. I'd like to ask ye if ye conseeder it fair or jest to charrge us tippence every time we'd go aff the groon? Man, it's jist an extoartion.

Mr. McKerr. I'm no responsible for 't; but, if I'd ben there, I'd ha' chairged ye twa shellins; sae ye'd better say nae mair aboot the maitter.

[Mr. Parritch does not pursue the subject.

Mr. Havers (as a detachment of the Black Watch Highlanders conclude an exhibition of musical drill). Ye'll be the baiter o' haeing the Block Wetch hier the day. Man, they gie us a colour! It's verra pretty hoo nicely they can pairforrm the drill.... An' noo them sojers is gaun to rin a bet race amang theirsels. This'll be an extry cawmpeteetion, I doot. (As the race is being