The Project Gutenberg eBook, Out of the Hurly-Burly, by Charles Heber Clark, Illustrated by Arthur B. Frost and Fred. B. Schell

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Title: Out of the Hurly-Burly

Or Life in an Odd Corner

Author: Charles Heber Clark

Release Date: February 25, 2013 [eBook #42190]

Language: English

Character set encoding: UTF-8

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Out of the Hurly-Burly

OR

LIFE IN AN ODD CORNER

BY

Max Adeler

With nearly Four Hundred Illustrations

BY

ARTHUR B. FROST, FRED. B. SCHELL, AND OTHERS

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PHILADELPHIA

DAVID McKAY, Publisher

1022 Market Street

Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1874, by
CHARLES HEBER CLARK,
In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D. C.

DEDICATION.

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I have resolved to dedicate this book to a humorist who has had too little fame, to the most delicious, because the most unconscious, humorist, to that widely-scattered and multitudinous comedian who may be expressed in the concrete as

THE INTELLIGENT COMPOSITOR.

To his habit of perpetrating felicitous absurdities I am indebted for "laughter that is worth a hundred groans." It was he who put into type an article of mine which contained the remark, "Filtration is sometimes accomplished with the assistance of albumen," and transformed it into "Flirtation is sometimes accomplished with the resistance of aldermen." It was he who caused me to misquote the poet's inquiry, so that I propounded to the world the appalling conundrum, "Where are the dead, the varnished dead?" And it was his glorious tendency to make the sublime convulsively ridiculous that rejected the line in a poem of mine, which declared that a "comet swept o'er the heavens with its trailing skirt," and substituted the idea that a "count slept in the haymow in a traveling shirt." The kind of talent that is here displayed deserves profound reverence. It is wonderful and awful; and thus I offer it a token of my marveling respect.

"Fun is the most conservative element of society, and it ought to be cherished and encouraged by all lawful means. People never plot

mischief when they are merry. Laughter is an enemy to malice, a foe to scandal and a friend to every virtue. It promotes good temper, enlivens the heart and brightens the intellect."

PREFACE.

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It seems to be necessary to say a few words in reference to the contents of this volume as I offer it to the public. Several of the incidents related in the story have already appeared in print, and have been copied in various newspapers throughout the country. Sometimes they have been attributed to the author; but more frequently they have been given either without any name attached to them, or they have been credited to persons who probably never saw them. The best of the anecdotes have been imitated, but none of them, I believe, are imitations. I make this statement, so that if the reader should happen to encounter anything that has a familiar appearance, he may understand that he has the original and not a copy before him. But a very large portion of the matter contained in the book is entirely new, and is now published for the first time; while all the rest of it has been rewritten and improved, so that it is as good as new.

If this little venture shall achieve popularity, I must attribute the fact largely to the admirable pictures with which it has been adorned by the artists whose names appear upon the title page. All of these gentlemen have my hearty thanks for the efforts they have made to accomplish the best results; but while I express my appreciation of the beautiful landscapes of Mr. Schell, the admirable drawings of Mr. Sheppard and the excellent designs of Mr. Bensell, I wish to direct attention especially to the humorous pictures of Mr. Arthur B. Frost. This artist makes his first appearance before the public in these pages. These are the only drawings upon wood that he has ever executed, and they are so nicely illustrative of the text, they display so much originality and versatility, and they have such genial humor, with so little extravagance and exaggeration, that they seem to me surely to give promise of a prosperous career for the artist.

It is customary upon these occasions to say something of an apologetic nature for the purpose of inducing the public to believe that the author regards with humility the work of which he is really exceedingly proud—something that will tend to soften the blows which are expected from ferocious and cruel critics. But I believe I have nothing of this kind to offer. If I thought the book required an apology, I would not publish it. Any reviewer who does not like it is at liberty to say so; and I am the more ready to accord him this permission because I am impressed with the conviction that he will hit as hard as he wants to whether I give him leave or withhold it. All I ask is that the volume shall have fair play. If it is successful as an attempt to construct a book of humor which will contribute to innocent popular amusement without violating the laws that govern the construction and orthography of the English language, and as an effort to give pleasure to sensible grown people without offering entertainment to children and idiots, it deserves commendation. If it is a failure in these respects, then it ought to be suppressed, for it certainly has no mighty moral purpose, and it is not designed to reform anything on earth but the personal fortunes of the author.

MAX ADELER.

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CONTENTS.

CHAPTER I. PAGE The founder of New Castle—A search for

quietness—Life in the city and in the village—Why the latter is preferable—Peculiarities of the village—A sleepy old town—We erect our family altar 25 CHAPTER II. A very dangerous invention—The patent combination step-ladder—Domestic servants—Advertising for a girl—The peasant-girl of fact and fiction—A contrast 36 CHAPTER III. The view upon the river—A magnificent panorama—Mr. and Mrs. Cooley—Matrimonial infelicities—The case of Mrs. Sawyer—A blighted life—A present—Our century plant and its peculiarities 47 CHAPTER IV. Judge Pitman—His experiment in the barn—A lesson in natural history—Catching the early train—One of the miseries of living in the village—Ball's lung exercise—Mr. Cooley's impertinence 56 CHAPTER V. A little love affair—Cowardice of Mr. Parker—Popular interest in amatory matters—The Magruder family—An event in its history—Remarkable experiments by Mrs. Magruder—An indignant husband—A question answered 68 CHAPTER VI. The editor of our daily paper—The appearance and personal characteristics of Colonel Bangs—The affair with the tombstone—Art news—Colonel Bangs in the heat of a political campaign—Peculiar troubles of public singers—The phenomena of menageries—Extraordinary sagacity of the animals—The Wild Man of Afghanistan 84 CHAPTER VII. The Battery and its peculiarities—A lovely scene—Swede and Dutchman two hundred years ago—Old names of the river—Indian names generally—Cooley's boy—His adventure in church—The long and the short of it—Mr. Cooley's dog and our troubles with it 99 CHAPTER VIII. The Morning Argus creates a sensation—A new editor—Mr. Slimmer the poet—An obituary department—Mr. Slimmer on death—Extraordinary scene in the sanctum of Colonel Bangs—Indignant advertisers—The colonel violently assaulted—Observations of the poet—The final catastrophe—Mysterious conduct of Bob Parker—The accident on Magruder's porch—Mrs. Adeler on the subject of obituary poetry in general 113 CHAPTER IX. The reason why I purchased a horse—A peculiar

characteristic—Driving by the river—Our horse as a persecutor—He becomes a genuine nightmare—Experimenting with his tail—How our horse died—In relation to pirates—Mrs. Jones's bold corsair—A lamentable tale 134 CHAPTER X. A picturesque church—Some reflections upon church music—Bob Parker in the choir—Our undertaker—A gloomy man—Our experience with the hot-air furnaces—A series of accidents—Mr. Collamer's vocalism—An extraordinary mistake 152 CHAPTER XI. A fishing excursion down the river—Difficulties of the voyage—A series of unfortunate incidents—Our return home, and how we were received—A letter upon the general subject of angling—The sorrows of the fishermen—Lieutenant Smiley—His recollections of Rev. Mr. Blodgett—A very remarkable missionary 164 CHAPTER XII. How the plumber fixed my boiler—A vexatious business—How he didn't come to time, and what the ultimate result was—An accident; and the pathetic story of young Chubb—Reminiscences of General Chubb—The eccentricities of an absent-minded man—The rivals—Parker versus Smiley 183 CHAPTER XIII. An evil day—Flogging-time in New Castle—How the punishment is inflicted—A few remarks upon the general merits of the system—A singular judge—How George Washington Busby was sentenced—Emotions of the prisoner—A cruel infliction, and a code that ought to be reformed 200 CHAPTER XIV. A Delaware legend—A story of the old time—The Christmas play—A cruel accusation—The flight in the darkness along the river shore—The trial and the condemnation—St. Pillory's day seventy years ago—Flogging a woman—The deliverance 211 CHAPTER XV. A very disagreeable predicament—Wild exultation of Parker—He makes an important announcement—An interview with the old man—The embarrassment of Mr. Sparks, and how he overcame it—A story of Bishop Potts—The miseries of too much consolidation—How Potts suffered, and what his end was 237 CHAPTER XVI. Old Fort Kasimir—Two centuries ago—The goblins of the lane—An outrage upon Pitman's cow—The judge discusses the subject of bitters—How Cooley came home—Turning off the gas—A frightful accident in the Argus office—The terrible fate of Archibald Watson—How Mr. Bergner taught Sunday-school

class="pginternal" tag="{http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml}a">255 CHAPTER XVII. A dismal sort of day—A few able remarks about umbrellas—The umbrella in a humorous aspect—The calamity that befell Colonel Coombs—An ambitious but miserable monarch—The influence of umbrellas on the weather—An improved weather system—A little nonsense—Judge Pitman's views of weather of various kinds 278 CHAPTER XVIII. Trouble for the hero and heroine—A broken engagement and a forlorn damsel—Bob Parker's suffering—A formidable encounter—The peculiar conduct of a dumb animal—Cooley's boy and his home discipline—A story of an echo 293 CHAPTER XIX. A certificate concerning Pitman's hair—Unendurable persecution—A warning to men with bald-headed friends—An explanation—The slanderer discovered—Benjamin P. Gunn—A model life-insurance agent 306 CHAPTER XX. A certain remarkable book—A few suggestions respecting Boston—Delusions of childhood—Bullying General Gage—Judge Pitman and the catechism—An extraordinary blunder—The facts in the case of Hillegass—A false alarm 324 CHAPTER XXI. Settling the business—Vindication of Mr. Bob Parker—A complete reconciliation—The great Cooley inquest—The uncertainty in regard to Thomas Cooley—A phenomenal coroner—The solution of the mystery 334 CHAPTER XXII. An arrival—A present from a Congressman—Meditation upon his purpose—The patent-office report of the future—A plan for revolutionizing public documents and opening a new department in literature—Our trip to Salem—A tragical event—The last of Lieutenant Smiley 350 CHAPTER XXIII. Pitman as a politician—He is nominated for the Legislature—How he was serenaded, and what the result was—I take a hand at politics—The story of my first political speech—y reception at Dover—Misery of a man with only one speech—The scene at the mass meeting—A frightful discomfiture 363 CHAPTER XXIV. The wedding-day—Enormous excitement in the village—Preparations for the event—The conduct of Bob Parker—The ceremony at the church, and the company at Magruder's—A last look at some old friends—Departure of the bride and groom—Some uncommonly solemn reflections, and then—The end

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List of Illustrations