PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET.
On Christmas Eve, Mr. Punch, on the strength—or, rather, length—of a Message from President Pierce, visited her Majesty Queen Mab. He was received by a most courteous Dream-in-Waiting, who introduced him through the Gate of Horn, whence, as Colonel Sibthorp beautifully remarks,
Dream-World was merrily keeping its Yule-tide, with shadowy Sports and dissolving Pastimes. As Mr. Punch entered, the Game was
The Lady Britannia was enthroned, Mistress of the Revel, and her golden apron was heaped with Pledges. The owners, a miscellaneous group, awaited the sentence of penalties.
Down, at a smile-signal from the Lady in the Chair, down went the broad brow of Mr. Punch, to repose on her knee, while Kings, and Ministers, and Hierarchs, and Demagogues came rustling round to listen.
The magic formula was silverly uttered.
"Answer, dear Mr. Punch," said the Lady in the Chair. "You always say exactly what I wish said."
"The Owner," said Mr. Punch, "will retire." And the Earl of Aberdeen, who had forfeited Public Confidence, withdrew, and Britannia murmured her intense satisfaction with the proceeding.
The next forfeit was called. "The Owner," said the oracle, "will go down upon his knees, will, in all abjectness of humiliation, beg pardon of all the world, and will humbly deposit his purse at the foot of the Ottoman nearest to him." A heavy tread, and the Emperor of all the Russias sullenly stalked away, sooner than thus redeem his Honour.
The third forfeit. "The Owner will find a Lady, whose well-omened Christian name is Victoria, and to her he will recite some verses, of his own making, in praise of Chobham and Spithead." "I am not much of a poet," said Mr. Cobden, "but if my Friend, Bright, will help me, I will gladly so redeem my Blunder."
The fourth. "A poor Foreigner," whispered the over-kindly Lady, but Mr. Punch sternly buttoned his pockets. "The Owner will behave with common honesty until further notice." A gentleman in a Spanish costume looked surprised at such a desire, and said that he did not care whether he did or did not redeem his Bonds.
The fifth was called, and a light step approached, and somebody was heard humming a melody of Tom Moore's. "The Owner," said Mr. Punch, "will carry three times through the chamber something to help you, Madam, to hear your own voice better." Lord John Russell smiled, and said that he hoped his Reform Bill would so redeem his Promise.
And the Dream—it is dream fashion—grew confused, but Mr. Punch thinks there was a scramble for the rest of the things, and that everybody snatched what he could. Mr. Gladstone, seizing, with tax-gatherer's gripe, what he thought was a work on Theology, got "The Whole Duty—off Paper." Emperor Louis Napoleon departed very happy with a Cradle. Lord Palmerston went out, angry with a Scotch Compass, which though only just out of the Trinity House, had an abominable bias to N.E. Pope Pius ran about most uncomfortably, apprehending the loss of a French Watch and Guard, to go without which would, His Holiness said, be his ruin. Mr. Disraeli made several vain grabs at a portfolio, which Britannia, laughing good-natured scorn, refused to let him have; and when the Earl of Derby tried for the same thing, she presented him with a Racing Game, as more suitable to his capabilities. Several Aldermen, who had presented specimens of Mendacity, received packets of tickets, inscribed Mendicity, to everybody's delight, and there was a cheer for a bold Bishop, who had put down a Carriage and was content to take up a little Gig. Another Bishop—he had a Fulham cut—found his mitre, but some one, in unseemly satire, had surmounted it with a golden and most vivacious Weathercock.
"And what would you put down, dear Mr. Punch," said the Lady of the Revel, "if we began again?"
"This, dear Lady," said Mr. Punch, gracefully bending, and proffering an object at which the eyes of Britannia sparkled like diamonds, "this—which—as your game is over, I will pray you to keep in pledge that, six months hence, I will present you with its still richer successor."
And Britannia—the smile at her heart reflected in her face—accepted
VOLUME XXV.——JULY TO DECEMBER, 1853.
POLITICAL SUMMARY.
The unjust demands of the Emperor of Russia on the Ottoman Porte, and his subsequent occupation of the Danubian Principalities, occupied the earnest attention of the Parliament and the people throughout the year, and was the occasion of much inquiry and discussion.
We cannot do better than add a summary of Lord John Russell's Speech, towards the close of the Session, in explanation of the position of affairs:—
"When he entered office, he said, his attention was called to the question of the Holy Places; and he instructed Lord Cowley, at Paris, to give the subject his earnest attention. Soon after he, Lord John Russell, learned that a special Russian Minister would be sent to the Sultan, to put an end, by some solemn act, to the differences that existed with regard to the Holy Places. He did not object to that; and Prince Menschikoff arrived at Constantinople on the 2nd of March. From this point, Lord John Russell went over the subsequent events—the resignation of Fuad Effendi; the message of Colonel Rose To Admiral Dundas, sent at the request of the Grand Vizier, and subsequently retracted; and the notification by the Turkish Ministers to Lord Stratford, in April, that certain propositions had been made to them to which they were unwilling to accede. 'I should say,' continued he, 'that up to this time the Government of Her Majesty at home, and Her Majesty's Minister at St. Petersburg, had always understood that the demands to be made by Russia had reference to the Holy Places; and were all comprised, in one form or another, in the desire to render certain and permanent the advantages to which Russia thought herself entitled in favour of persons professing the Greek religion. Lord Stratford understood from the Turkish Ministers, that it had been much desired by the Russian Ambassador that the requests which were made on the part of Russia should be withheld from the knowledge of the representatives of the other Powers of Europe; and these fresh demands were as new to the Government of France as they were to the Government of Her Majesty.' The propositions were changed from time to time, until Prince Menschikoff gave in his ultimatum, and left Constantinople. 'I consider that this circumstance was one very greatly to be regretted. It has always appeared to me, that, on the one side and the other, there were statements that would be admitted, while there were others that might be the subject of compromise and arrangement. The Russian Minister maintained that Russia had, by certain treaties (especially by the treaties of Kainardji and Adrianople) the right to expect that the Christians in the Turkish territory would be protected; and he declared at the same time, that Russia did not wish in any manner to injure the independence or integrity of the Turkish Empire. The Sultan's Ministers, on their part, maintained that it was their duty, above all things, to uphold the independence of the Sultan, and to require that nothing should be acceded to which would be injurious to his dignity or would derogate from his rights; but at the same time, they declared that it was the intention of the Sultan to protect his Christian subjects, and to maintain them in the rights and privileges which they had enjoyed under the edicts of former Sultans. Such being the statements on the two sides, I own it appears to me that the withdrawal of the Russian mission from Constantinople, accompanied as that measure was by the preparation of a large Russian force, both military and naval, on the frontiers of Turkey, was a most unfortunate step, and has naturally caused very great alarm to Europe, while it has imposed great sacrifices both upon Turkey and upon the Turkish provinces adjoining Russia.' These appearances became so serious that the fleet was ordered to approach the Dardanelles; the French fleet advanced at the same time; and the Russians entered the Principalities. This, Turkey had an undoubted right to consider a casus belli; but France and England induced the Sultan to forego that right, thinking it desirable to gather up the broken threads of negotiation, and strive for some arrangement for maintaining peace. The French Minister for Foreign Affairs—'a gentleman whose talents, moderation, and judgment it is impossible too greatly to admire'—drew up a note, omitting what was objectionable on both sides. The Austrian Government, which had previously declined to enter on a conference, changed its views when the Russians occupied the Principalities, and Count Buol took the proposal of M. Drouyn de Lhuys as a basis for a note. This note was agreed to by the Four Powers; and the Emperor of Russia had accepted it, considering that his honour would be saved, and his objects attained, if that note was signed by the Turkish Minister.
"Supposing that note 'to be finally agreed upon by Russia and Turkey as the communication which shall be made by Turkey, there will still remain the question of the evacuation of the Principalities. It is quite evident, Sir, that no settlement can be satisfactory which does not include or immediately lead to the evacuation of those Principalities. (Cheers.) According to the declaration which has been made by the General commanding the Russian Forces, Prince Gortschakoff, the evacuation ought immediately to follow on the satisfaction obtained by Turkey from the Emperor of Russia. I will only say further, that it is an object which Her Majesty's Government consider to be essential: but with respect to the mode in which the object is to be obtained—with respect to the mode in which the end is to be secured—I ask the permission of Parliament to say nothing further upon this head, but to leave the means—the end being one which is certain to be obtained—to leave the means by which it is to be obtained in the Executive Government. With respect to the question which has been raised as to the fleets of England and France at Besika Bay, that of course need not be made any question of difficulty, because, supposing Turkey were in danger, we ought to have the power at all times of sending our fleets to the neighbourhood of the Dardanelles to be ready to assist Turkey in case of any such danger, and we ought not to consent to any arrangement by which it may be stipulated that the advance of the fleets to the neighbourhood of the Dardanelles should be considered as equivalent to an actual invasion of the Turkish territories. But, of course, if the matter is settled—if peace is secured, Besika Bay is not a station which would be of any advantage either to England or France.'
"In conclusion he said, he thought we had now a fair prospect, without involving Europe in hostilities, or exposing the independence and integrity of Turkey, that the object in view would be secured in no very long space of time. 'I will only say further, that this question of the maintenance of Turkey is one that must
In our next Volume we shall have to treat of the results of these difficulties.
One effect of these "rumours of wars" was the introduction of the Naval Coast Volunteers' Bill, a very necessary and important measure for the establishment of a Naval Militia, and by which 18,000 to 20,000 well-trained seamen are placed at the disposal of the country.
Other bills of considerable importance in themselves, though not of political interest, became Law, and have been productive of great good to the community. The Act for the Suppression of Betting Houses has saved many a thoughtless fool from ruin, and dispersed, though not destroyed, the bands of brigands who then preyed upon the unwary. The prisons of London gave abundant and conclusive testimony of the vast number of persons, especially the young, who had been led into crime by the temptation held out by Betting Houses.
Mr. Fitzroy's Act for the Better Prevention and Punishment of Aggravated Assaults upon Women and Children has done much, though not all that is required, to lessen the brutality of the lower orders, and the Smoke Prevention Act has removed in part one of the disgraces of our metropolis.
The Vaccination Extension Act was a sanitary measure of great importance, as the mortality from small-pox had long been greater in England than in any other country in Europe.
On the 16th of December Lord Palmerston resigned his office of Secretary of State for the Home Department, but he was subsequently induced to resume his position in the Government.
On the 20th of August the Parliament was prorogued by commission, and a Parliamentary Session of an unusually protracted and laborious character brought to an end. The year had been generally very prosperous, but the scanty harvest, and the unsettled condition of the labouring classes, who resorted to the desperate and suicidal agency of "strikes" for bettering their condition, added to the probability of a war with Russia, brought it to a gloomy close, and it was as much as Punch could do to sustain the nation in moderate cheerfulness.
NOTES.
MR. PUNCH IN DUBLIN.
"Yes, with much pleasure," said Mr. Punch, M.P. for England, as he entered the Octagon Hall in Parliament Palace; and, in his usual elegant and affable manner, extended his white-gloved hand to a courtly gentleman who had requested his presence.
"I was sure you would say so," said the gentleman, and he raised a finger. A watchful official at a door instantly turned to the electric dial, and Mr. Punch's gracious assent was known at Holyhead, before he had finished congratulating his companion, in the most truly charming style, on a promised knighthood, of which the Viceroy of Ireland had whispered something to Mr. Punch.
"No man ever earned his spurs better than the man who has been spurring railways into increased activity for so many years," said Mr. Punch, with a beautiful bow.
"I have not called you from the House at an unfortunate time, I trust, Sir," said the other. "Not that you can ever be spared, but—"
"William Gladstone is quite up to his work," replied the great patriot. "He has but a couple of dozen of the Brigade in hand at present, and he is tossing up one after the other, cup-and-ball fashion, cupping or spiking him to taste, with the precision of a Ramo Samee. I can leave William. Let us go."
"You will take care that no other passenger is put into Mr. Punch's coupé, guard," said the gentleman, as the Euston whistle sounded.
"No masculine passenger, please tell him, Mr. Roney," said Mr. Punch, facetiously. "Good night."
"This Irish journey is capitally done, certainly," said Mr. Punch, as, thirteen hours later, he found himself over his coffee and prawns in Sackville Street, on a radiant morning, and all the bright eyes of Dublin sparkling round the door of his hotel, eagerly glancing towards his balcony. Mr. Punch rushed forth, serviette in hand. His large heart beat high at the sight of so much loveliness, and at the sound of those angel-voices, rising into musical cheering.
"Bless you, my darlings!" Mr. Punch could say no more, but finished his prawns, and, throwing his manly form upon a jaunting car, he dashed over the
"An' it's for luck I'll be takin' your honour's sixpence, and not for the dirthy money," said the excited driver, as he rattled round the corner, and into the Square, and the gigantic cylinders of the Exhibition burst upon Mr. Punch's gaze.
"My Irish friend," said Mr. Punch, gravely, but not severely, "do not talk nonsense. Your carriage is clean, your horse is rapid, you are civil, and your fare is certain. In London, we have as yet neither clean carriages, rapid horses, civil drivers, nor certain fares. We may learn those lessons of you. Learn two from us. Do not believe in luck, but practice perseverance; and do not call that money dirty which is the well-earned pay of honest service. To sweeten the advice, there is a shilling." And Mr. Punch entered the Exhibition building, and was drawing out his purse at the turnstile. But two gigantic policemen, in soldierly garb, welcomed him with a respectful smile, and the turnstile suddenly spun him into the building gratis, but a little too fast for dignity. What a sight was that before him! The vast hall, with its blue lines and red labels, looked a handsome instalment of Paxtonia. Plashing fountains, murmuring organs, a Marochetti Queen high pedestalled, white statues, glistering silver-blazoned banners. A fine and a noble sight, and worthy of all plaudit; but it was not that which almost bewildered the great patriot, as he was shot into Dargania. Those eyes again—two thousand pairs at least—Irish diamonds, worth mines of Koh-i-noors, suddenly flashing and sparkling and melting upon him. That telegraph message from the Octagon Hall—and, as they say in the Peers' House, "and the Ladies summoned." Staggered though he was, you do not often see such a bow as that with which Mr. Punch did homage to his lovely hostesses.
Two of the fairest stepped forward gracefully, and blushingly proffered themselves as his guides through the building.
"Chiefly, that I may set them in my prayers," murmured Mr. Punch, "if you happen to have names——"
Those blue eyes belong to Honora, and those violet eyes to Grace, and all to Mr. Punch's heart henceforth and until further notice. They proceeded, and there was a sound as of a great rustling, as of a world of feminine garments forming into procession and following, but it was vain for Mr. Punch to think of looking round, for he never got further than the face of one or other of his companions. They paraded the building.
Grace bade him look from her, and observe the five halls, in the central and greatest of which they stood. She showed him that Royalty had contributed a gorgeous temple, rich in gems and gold, richer in an artist-thought of the Prince who designed it. And, standing on the platform, she pointed out that the forge and the loom and the chisel had all been busy for that huge hall, whose area offered a series of bold general types of the work to be seen in detail around it. And China was near with her carvings, and India with her embroideries, and Japan with a hundred crafts (now for the first time revealed, thanks to our brother, the King of Holland), and Belgium with her graceful ingenuity, and France with her artistic luxury, and the Zollverein with its bronzes, and Austria with her maps, and flowers, and furniture. And then Grace led him on to the Fine Arts Hall, where the original thoughts of a thousand painters, new and old, glowed upon him from walls which the Devonshires, and Lansdownes, and Talbots, and Portarlingtons, and Yarboroughs, and Charlemonts, and others, had joined to enrich with the choicest treasures of their castles and mansions. And amid the priceless display, Mr. Punch felt justly proud of his aristocratic friends, who could at once trust and teach the people.
Honora bade him look from her, and they passed from an exquisite Mediæval Court, its blue vault studded with golden stars, crossed the hall, and observed a long range of machinery doing its various restless work, and doing it noiselessly, thanks to a silent system and a tremendous rod, sent from Manchester by Fairbairn, through whose Tubular Bridge Mr. Punch had flown at dawn. And Honora showed him where Ireland had put forth her own strength, and thrown down her linens and her woollens in friendly challenge, and with her hardware, her minerals, her beautiful marbles, and her admirable typography. They ascended, and passing through long lines of galleries, Mr. Punch's adorable guides pointed out, amid a legion of wares, things more graceful and useful than he had seen assembled since the bell (on that 11th of October last but one) tolled for the fall of Paxtonia.
"And now, dear Mr. Punch," said Honora, "you have looked round our Dublin Exhibition, and—and—"
"And," said Grace, "you know that you sometimes say rather severe things about Ireland—"
"Never," said Mr. Punch, dropping upon his knees. "Never. But here I register a vow."
The whole assembly was suddenly hushed, and had Mr. Punch's words been literal, instead of only metaphorical, pearls and diamonds, you might have heard them fall on those boards.
"That for your sakes here present, and for the sake of all the wise, and energetic, and right-hearted men of Ireland who have to do with this building, and with your roads, and railways, and schools, and the like, I will henceforth wage even more merciless and exterminating war than hitherto with the humbug Irish patriots (dupes or tools), who tarnish the name of a nation which can rear and fill an edifice like this."
A shout which made the good Sir John Benson's broad arches ring again and again. And, as it subsided, there came forth from the crowd of ladies, whose eyes all turned affectionately on the new comer, a stalwart presence. Mr. Punch sprang up.
"This is your work!" he exclaimed. "Don't say it is not, William Dargan, because I know it is, and because England knows it too, and holds your name in honour accordingly."
That day's proceedings are not reported further. But all Mr. Punch's friends who wish to please him will have the goodness to run over to Dublin, and see the finest sight which will be seen between this and the First of May next.
A NEW TURN IN THE TEMPERANCE MOVEMENT.
A real, genuine, out-and-out Teetotaller says he likes this Table-turning vastly; for, though it keeps folks to the table, still it keeps them from the bottle. "The table may go round," he says, "but the wine does not circulate." There may be more in this teetotaller's chuckle than wine-bibbers imagine. We ourselves have heard an instance of a wealthy City man, who is nearly as mean as the Marquis Of Northminster, who spares his Port regularly, by proposing to his company, as soon as the cloth is removed, that "they should try a little of this table-moving that is so much talked about." The decanters are removed, and he keeps his company with their fingers fixed upon the mahogany, until Coffee is announced. We warn all persons who are in the habit of dining out, against lending their hands to this favourite trick.
"Provided Always."
Though, perhaps, not strictly within our province to attend to the Commissariat of any but ourselves, we beg leave to announce that we have undertaken to supply the whole of the Camp at Chobham with chaff.
CRYSTAL NUNNERIES.
Ye reverend Fathers, why make such objection,
Why raise such a cry against Convents' Inspection?
Is it not just the thing to confound the deceivers,
And confute all the slanders of vile unbelievers?
It strikes me that people in your situation
Should welcome, invite, and court investigation,
As much as to say, "Come and see if you doubt us;
We defy you to find any evil about us."
For my part I think, if I held your persuasion,
That I should desire to improve the occasion,
And should catch at the chance, opportunely afforded,
Of showing how well Nuns are lodged, used, and boarded.
That as to the notion of cruel inflictions
Of penance, such tales are a bundle of fictions,
And that all that we hear of constraint and coercion
Is, to speak in mild language, mere groundless assertion.
That an Abbess would not—any more than a Mayoress—
Ever dream of inveigling an opulent heiress,
That each convent's the home of devotion and purity,
And that nothing is thought about, there, but futurity.
That no Nuns exist their profession regretting,
Who kept in confinement are pining and fretting;
And to fancy there might be one such, though a rarity,
Implies a most sad destitution of charity.
That all sisters are doves—without mates—of one feather,
In holy tranquillity living together,
Whose dovecote the bigots have found a mare's nest in,
Because its arrangements are rather clandestine.
Nay, I should have gone, out of hand, to Sir Paxton,
As a Frenchman would probably call him, and "axed 'un,"
As countrymen say—his ingenious noddle
Of a New Crystal Convent to scratch for a model.
Transparent and open, inquiry not shirking,
Like bees you might watch the good Nuns in it, working;
And study their habits, observe all their motions,
And see them performing their various devotions.
This is what I should do, on a sound cause relying,
Not run about bellowing, raving, and crying;
I shouldn't exhibit all that discomposure,
Unless in the dread of some startling disclosure.
What makes you betray such tremendous anxiety
To prevent the least peep into those haunts of piety?
People say there's a bag in your Convents—no doubt of it,
And you are afraid you'll have Pussy let out of it.
CANVAS TOWNS.
Our contemporary, Household Words, has given an account of Canvas Town in the new world, but we doubt whether a description of one of the Canvas Towns—or Towns under Canvas—in the old world, would not reveal a greater amount of depravity and corruption than anything that exists even in Australia. A Canvas Town in England is no less bent on gold discovery than a Canvas Town at Port Phillip—the only difference being that the candidate's pocket, instead of the earth, is the place that the electors or gold diggers are continually digging into. In the Colonies the inhabitants of a Canvas Town are huddled together irrespective of rank, and frequently the best educated persons are found doing the dirtiest work, just as may be seen in a Canvas Town in England before election time. The inhabitants of a Colonial Canvas Town think only of the gold and the quartz, just as at home the inhabitants of a Canvas Town think of nothing but filthy dross and drink—the quarts taking of course precedence of the pints in the estimation of the "independent" voters.
More Ornamental than Useful.
Mr. Disraeli calls "invective a great ornament in debate." According to this species of decoration, Billingsgate ought to be the most ornamental place of debate in the world; and Mr. Disraeli himself, than whom few orators deal more largely in invective, deserves taking his rank as the most ornamental debater that ever was born.