Spittoon.—This word comes from the Greek word spit, meaning to slobber, and the Scotch word, tune, meaning the noise made by the bag-pipes. As the saliva struck the receptacle it made a noise delightful to the ears of the smoker, and resembling the note of the national instrument of Scotland. Hence the receptacle was called the spittoon.

Politics.—Quack philologists, who evidently were insane, have gone back to the classics for the root of this word, when it is well known that immediately after the termination of the Revolution, when the Government of this country was about to be settled, the word came into existence. A woman, called POLLY, kept a corner grocery in New York, and all the fellows who wanted offices were accustomed to go to POLLY'S for their beer, because she trusted. Here they usually divulged their ideas of the manner in which the Government machine should be run. When asked why they went to that store, they always answered, "POLLY ticks." Outsiders, when asked what was going on in POLLY's store, always answered with a wise look, "POLLY ticks." The words soon spread, and talking about the Government was facetiously called POLLY ticks. The expression was finally used in earnest, and, by euphoric changes, reached its present shape.

Cheese-it.—This compound word has by some silly person been traced to the Saxon cyse, meaning condensed cow, and the Celtic it, meaning it. Now every way-faring man, even though non compos mentis, knows that when he is invited to come in and cut a cheese, come in and take a drop of whiskey is meant. This word, then, is derived from the Sanscrit cheese, meaning drop, and the English it, meaning whatever you may happen to be saying, and the whole expression may be properly translated "drop that yarn."

I might go on straight through the Dictionary, but I refrain, desiring only to show you what a light and entertaining subject philology is, and what quantities of fun you can get out of it on winter evenings.

If any one should desire to pursue this subject further, let him go through CHAUCER, SPENSER, SHAKSPEARE, and MILTON with a fine-tooth comb and a pair of spectacles, looking for roots, and then try my book on "Words and their Uses." He had better not attack the latter work on an empty stomach. An empty head will be more appropriate.

The Mendicant Mission.

Two fresh rumors about that unfortunate English Mission are afloat. One is that it has been tendered to the Hon. HENRY T. BLOW; the other is that the—well, no, not exactly Hon.—DAN. SICKLES is to be transferred from Madrid to the Court of St. JAMES. 'Tis much the same thing. If BLOW is appointed, it's BLOW; and if SICKLES is appointed, it's Blow, too.

Military Intelligence.

The Fifth Regiment N.G.S.N.Y., composed altogether of Germans, have adopted the Prussian helmet with a spike on top. This is appropriate, as most Germans are linguists, and like to "spike the French."

Where to Commence the Civil Service Reform.

In our Hotels and Restaurants.

THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.

egarding me thoughtfully for a moment, MARGARET asks, "What is an 'old comedy?'"

I say to her, "An old comedy is to the comedy of to-day, precisely what an old beau, padded, painted, simpering with false teeth, and leering with rhumy eyes, is to a handsome, gallant young fellow, such as Mr. LESTER WALLACK impersonates in Ours or School."

To which she replies, "What are roomy eyes, dear?" (Being her fourth cousin by marriage, I am a sort of maiden aunt to her,—whence this respectful familiarity.) "Eyes in which there is room for the honest glances that never show themselves?'"

I sternly remark that "nice girls never pun."

"Yes," she replies; "punning, like beer and other vices, is the peculiar prerogative of men, I suppose. But you need not be afraid. I read PUNCHINELLO sometimes, and it is a terrible warning to people who are tempted to pun. I could give you frightful instances of the appalling depth to which the men who make puns in PUNCHINELLO occasionally sink."

I hastily close the discussion by inviting her to come to WALLACK'S and see an old comedy. So we find ourselves on the following evening in the only theatre in the country where that rather important adjunct of a theatre—a company—is to be found,

There are quantities of elegant dresses in the house,—the ladies having an idea that an old comedy is one of those things which every fashionable person ought to see. There are also numbers of nice young men, who, being the burning and shining lights of fashionable society (after their day's work behind the counter is ended), come to be bored by the old comedy, with a heroism which proves how immeasurably superior to the influences of tape and calico are their youthful souls. By the by, it is one of the unavoidable désagréments of New York society that the wearer of the elegant dress is often conscious that her partner in the waltz knows precisely how many yards of material compose her skirt, and exactly how much it cost per yard, for the excellent reason that he himself measured it with his professional yard-stick, and cut it with his private scissors. This, however, is a subject that belongs not to old comedy, but to the extremely modern comedy of New York society. The two resemble each other only so far as they are fashionable and dull.

But to our WALLACKIAN old comedy. The curtain rises upon the veteran GILBERT and the handsome ROCKWELL. They converse in the following style:

GILBERT.—"Well, you young dog, ha! ha! So you have decided to make your old uncle happy by marrying my neighbor's daughter. Gad! I remember my own wedding-day. Well, well; we won't talk about that now, but hark ye, you young villain, if you don't marry the girl, I cut you off with a shilling."

ROCKWELL.—"My dear uncle, I can have no greater pleasure than to fulfil your wishes. But suppose our adorable young neighbor has the ill-breeding to refuse me."

GILBERT.—"Refuse you! Refuse my nephew? Gad! I'd like to see THOMAS OLDBOY permit his daughter to refuse my nephew! I'd—d—e, I'd—" (chokes and stamps with rage.)

Further on we meet with Miss OLDBOY and her mother,—the latter a stout old lady, addicted to smelling salts and yellow silks.

LYDIA OLDBOY.—"To-day I am expecting the arrival of young WILDOATS, who comes to pay his addresses to me. I wonder if he is like that dear, delightful THADDEUS OF WARSAW."

Mrs. OLDBOY.—"Now, Miss, remember that your honored father insists upon this match. I expect you to be a dutiful daughter, and accede to his wishes. Here comes the young man himself."

ROCKWELL.—"My. dear Mrs. OLDBOY, I am charmed to see you. You are looking positively younger than your ravishingly beautiful daughter. Fair LYDIA, I come to lay my heart at your feet. 'Tis the wish of my uncle and your honored father that we should unite our respective houses. Let me touch that exquisite hand. Unseal those ruby lips and tell me that I am the happiest of men."

Here the UNCLE and OLDBOY enter. They chuckle, and poke one another in the ribs, remarking "Gad" and "Zounds" at intervals. They bless the young couple, and order up some of the old Madeira. The curtain falls as OLDBOY gives the health of the young people, with the wish that they may have a dozen children, and a cellar never without plenty of this splendid old Madeira,—"that your father, bottled, Miss LYDIA, the year our gracious sovereign came to the throne."

This is a fair sample of the old comedy. The oaths are of course omitted, out of deference to the tender susceptibilities of the editor of PUNCHINELLO. So are the indecencies, which are the spice of the old comedy, but which cannot be written in a respectable journal, and are almost too gross and brutal for the Sun. Take from an old comedy its oaths and its grossness, and nothing is left but a residuum of boisterous inanity. The condensed old comedy which has just been laid before the readers of PUNCHINELLO, is as inane and vapid as anything that WALLACK'S theatre has shown us in the past month. Do you find it dull? For my part, I don't hesitate to say that the "Essence of Old Virginny," as furnished by the venerable poet, Mr. DANIEL BRYANT, is vastly more amusing than the Essence of Old Comedy.

All of which I say, in my most impressive manner, to MARGARET as we struggle through the crowded lobby. But she irreverently disputes my assertions, and asks, "How is it that everybody admires these comedies if they are so wretched as you say they are? Is your judgment better than that of anybody else?"

There being nothing to say, if I mean to maintain my ground, except that my judgment is the only infallible critical judgment in this city or elsewhere, I promptly and unblushingly say so. But MARGARET tells me I am "a goose"—(I think I have mentioned that she is my aunt, and hence allows herself these pleasing freedoms of speech)—and says that I shall take her to see the old comedies every night, until I am willing to say that I like them.

Who is there that, in view of this threat, will not drop the tear of sensibility, so neatly alluded to by Mr. STERNE, in sympathy with the prospective sufferings of

MATADOR.

UNIVERSITY-MANIA.

MY DEAR P.:—I have made some curious observations of this disease, which lead to startling conclusions.

It is a malady peculiar to the United States, being an eruption resulting from indigestion of unripe knowledge, together with excess of vanity in individual blood.

Universities spring up among us like mushrooms, in a night. The seed of knowledge is sown broadcast over our land. In fact, in this particular we may be said to be very seedy, indeed.

For my part I have no objection to Universities—when they are Universities. But, at the rate at which we are now progressing, we shall soon have "every man his own University." It will become the fashion to keep a University in the back-yard. And then, you know, the institution must have its own particular organ, you know. Every man, and every member of his family, shall print his or her Free Press, and independence of opinion shall reign.

As for me, dear NELLO, I am in the front rank of civilization. I have accepted the Chair of Cane-bottom in a Grub-Street garret, and rejoice in a barrel-organ, which plays with great freedom of speech.

Yours pedagoguically,

JEREMY DOGWOOD.

A. Sop for Ireland.

It is stated that Queen VICTORIA has ordered from a Dublin manufacturer an extensive assortment of Balbriggan hosiery for the wedding outfit of the Princess LOUISE. There is a stroke of policy in this. In firemen's phrase it may be called laying on the "hose" to quench disloyalty.

THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT. The Marine Hospital.

TRIALS OF A WITNESS.

MR. PUNCHINELLO:—As all people seem to come to you with their troubles and grievances, I hope you will not refuse to listen to my woes. And whether they are woes or not, I leave you to judge for yourself.

At the beginning of last week I made my first appearance in any court-room, in the character of a witness, in the case of VALENTINE vs. ORSON; in which the point in dispute was the ownership of a tract of land in Wyoming Territory. I knew something in regard to the sale of these lands, and was fully prepared to testify to the extent of my knowledge in the premises; but judge of my utter surprise and horror on being obliged to go through such an ordeal as the following extracts from my examination will indicate.

The counsel for the plaintiff commenced by asking me if I was a married man, and when I had answered that. I was, he said:—

"Is your wife a believer in the principles of the Woman's Rights party?"

I could not, for the life of me, see what this had to do with the land in Wyoming, but I answered, that I was happy to say she was not.

The examination then proceeded as follows:—

Q. You are happy, then, in your matrimonial relations? A. Yes—(and remembering the oath) reasonably so.

Q. Is your wife pretty? A. (Witness remembering at once his oath and his wife's presence in court) She is pretty pretty.

Q. What are her defects? A. (Witness remembering only his wife's presence.) I have never been able to discover them.

Q. Do you wear flannel? A. Yes, in winter.

Q. Can you testify, upon your oath, that you do not wear flannel in summer? A. I can.

Q. Now be careful in your answer. What do you wear in the spring and fall? A. I—I wear my common clothes.

Q. With flannel, or without flannel? A. Sometimes with, and sometimes without.

Q. No evasion; you must tell the Court exactly when you wear flannel, and when you do not.

A series of questions on this subject brought out the fact that I wore flannel when the weather was cold, or cool; and did not wear it when it was mild, or warm.

Q. Have you a lightning-rod on your house? A. I have.

Q. How much did it cost you to have it put up? A. It has not cost me anything yet—I owe for it.

Q. Is that all you owe for? A. No, I have other debts.

Q. Have you any money with you now? A. I have.

Q. How much? A. (Counting contents of porte-monnaie.) Sixty-two cents.

Q. Where did you get that? A. (With embarrassment.) I borrowed it.

Q. Were you present when defendant first offered his land for sale to the plaintiff? A. (Brightening up.) I was.

Q. Do you burn gas or kerosene in your house? A. Gas.

Q. How many burners? A. Ten, I think.

Q. Are you willing to assert, upon your solemn oath, that there are only ten? A. (Witness counting on his fingers.) I am.

Q. Do you wear studs or buttons on your shirt fronts? A. Studs.

Q. Gold, or pearl? A. Mother-of-pearl, as a general thing, but sometimes I wear one gold one at the top.

Q. Were all your studs of mother-of-pearl, at the time when you first heard this transaction mentioned between the parties? A. They were.

Q. Do you ever wear your gold stud in the middle of your bosom? A. No, sir, I always wear it at the top.

Q. Do you ever wear it at the bottom? Can you swear it was not at the bottom on the day of the transaction referred to? A. I distinctly remember that I did not wear it at all that day.

Q. Did you wear it that night? A. No, sir.

Q. Can you swear that after you went to bed you did not wear it? A. I can.

Q. Have you ever been vaccinated? A. I have.

Q. On which arm? A. The left.

Q. At the of the first mention of this land to the plaintiff, who were present? A. (Witness speaking with hopeful vivacity, as if he hoped they were now coming to the merits of the case.) The plaintiff, the defendant, and myself.

Q. Do you use the Old