قراءة كتاب Punchinello, Volume 2, No. 37, December 10, 1870
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my turn, or that the English Mission had fallen into a general decline. I knew all about that just as well as Gen. GRANT, but it would not have done any good to parade my knowledge on the subject.
There was the Hon. THOS. JENKINS who refused to take it, because his wife had a prejudice against Bulls ever since she was scared by one that chased her five miles for no other reason than that she was what might be called a red woman—well-read in the exciting house-wife literature of the day. JENKINS positively declined.
Then it was offered to Col. CANNONAYDE, who declined it because his mother-in-law declared that she would go along too, if he went, and he thought it would be better not to let her have a change of air, as she was in a fair way to wind up pretty soon by remaining near those swamps. CANNONAYDE wanted the place kept open till after the funeral, but this was not granted.
The next offer was made to Gen. BRAYLEIGH; but he refused it on the ground that he had made arrangements for going into the coal trade, and he could not be sure of holding the place more than a few weeks. Anyway, he thought it would not pay to give up the coalition he had entered into with another party. In fact, old BRAYLEIGH treated the whole matter very coldly.
It was next tendered to the Hon. THEOPHILUS SKINNER, but peremptorily declined because SKINNER'S district had become Democratic since he was elected, and he knew that if he resigned an infamous cannibal copperhead would be sent to Congress in his stead. SKINNER consulted all the leaders of his party, and they unanimously agreed that it would be better to let every court in Europe be without an American representative than risk the loss of that district.
Everybody knows why the Rev. Dr. BANGWELL, of Chicago, did not accept it. The Doctor expected his divorce case to come on in a few days, and could not neglect that; and besides, he had made all the arrangements for his other marriage, and sent out the invitations. If the President had just made some inquiries before appointing Dr. BANGWELL, he could have found out that the Doctor's engagements would not permit him to leave Chicago on any account.
The offer that was made to Col. KAMPSTUHL was declined solely because the Colonel had an old score to settle with Gen. GRANT for something in the way of a court-martial that happened near Tricksburg. He swore that he would get square with the author of that business sometime, and when the mission was offered to him (by accident, for Gen GRANT had forgotten all about the court-martial), he got up a sepulchral voice, and said, "Ha, ha! R-e-e-e-vendge at last!" and then wrote a bitter letter to Washington on the subject.
After that it was peddled all round the country in a promiscuous way, and offered in succession to a blacksmith who used to shoe horses for Gen. GRANT, a conductor who refused to take fare from a well-known Presidential excursion party, a dealer in hides who had conferred some high obligations when a certain official was in the tanning business, a grocery-keeper, a family shoemaker, a manufacturer of matches, and such a multitude of people, in fact, that it finally got to be looked upon as the greatest missionary undertaking of modern times.
The only really prominent man that the place was not tendered to is GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN; but I wouldn't say that it won't get around to him somewhere in Asia before the circle is completed.
All these things were very well known to me before the office was placed at my disposal, but I did not care to wound the fine sensibilities of the President by saying anything about them in my note.
My reason for declining in favor of Mr. GREELEY has been stated—I put the whole matter frankly to Gen. GRANT—but I can't say whether the suggestion I offered has been acted upon or not. The only thing I am certain about on this point is, that if the offer should be made to HORACE, it won't get around to GEORGE FRANCIS afterwards.
There has been so much talk about this business, that I have considered it a sacred duty to state the facts and let some floods of light shine upon the whole thing. The duty is now conscientiously, discharged.
DARBY DODD.
The Truth In a Nut-shell
CHANCELLOR CROSBY, in his inaugural address, has, we may say, bored right to the root of the whole vexed question of education, and extracted it, as will be seen from this extract: "It need hardly be urged," says the new Chancellor, and we hope, all the discontented will take the full force of the remark, "It need hardly be urged that the didaskalos should be didaktitos, and yet perhaps emphasis on so plain a truth may be sometimes necessary." Let us thank the Chancellor for forever removing this necessity.
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