TEASE, BUT FACT IS, I PUT THE STUMP OF AN OLD PAINT-BRUSH IN THE BOWL, AND SMOKE THE OILIEST TOBACCO I CAN FIND."

THE BATTLE AT SEDAN.

Special Correspondence of Punchinello.

(This paper is the only paper on the planet which has a correspondent at the seat of war, wherever that seat may be. The following dispatch was sent to us by cable at a total expense of $21,000.)

It was a still, calm night, the glorious moon was sailing through the sky; the river was running water; the clouds were cloudy; the soldiers were soldiering. I stepped out of my tent and tumbled over VON MOLTKE. He took my arm and invited me to the tent of the Crown Prince.

"MOLTY," said I, "what's your little game?"

"Penny ante," replied he.

"Trés bien," added I.

"You are a French spy. Ha! ha!" said he, grasping my collar. "Ho! Ho!"

"Das ish goot," added I.

"Then you're Dutch," sighed he, dropping me like a hot pair of tongs.

In the tent we found the King, the Crown Prince, Gen. STEINMETZ, Gen. SHERIDAN, and Gen. FORSYTH.

"MOLTY," said I, "introduce me to the King."

"BILL," said he, "this is JENKINS."

BILL held out his foot and I took a suck at his great toe.

Then we went at the game. BILL is pretty good at it, but then he doesn't stand any chance beside MOLTY. The Crown Prince lost at least fourteen cents, and, just as he had a splendid opportunity to retrieve his losses, in came an aide, who announced that the French had squatted.

"Where?" cried VON MOLTKE.

"In Sedan," replied the aide.

"I knew it," said MOLTY. "BILL, I told you they had no horses for a regular carriage."

Then we went out. The King invited me to sit in his carriage with MOLTY and SHERIDAN. We reached the scene of war.

The moon shone; the mountains were mountainous; the trees were treey; and the soft September breeze was breezy. BISMARCK came up and asked the King to let him cut behind.

"BIS," said I, "take my seat; I'll take a trip to the French camp."

So I tripped over to the French camp and found things somewhat mixed. The moon shone. Steadily the Prussian troops advanced; and, with a heroism worthy of a better cause, the French retreated. The Emperor wanted to die in the rear of his men.

"NAP," said I, "you'd better get up and get. The Prussians are coming."

"JENKINS," said he, "kiss me for my mother, I'm betrayed."

"Why didn't you have more cheesepots?" said I.

"I'll surrender," said he, "get out a white flag."

So I took one of EUGENIE'S old pocket-handkerchiefs which I found in the tent, stuck it on the end of the sabre of the nephew of his uncle, put NAP in the carriage, jumped in myself and drove to the Prussian camp. The moon shone; all nature smiled; the rivers were rivery; the Sedans were chairy.

BILL received us very coolly at first, but I gave BIS the wink, and he suggested to his Majesty that he'd better take the Emperor prisoner.

"NAP," said BILL, "is the game up?"

"BILL," said NAP, "you've scored the game. I leave my old clothes to the Regent. I hope she'll like the breeches."

Then he treated to cigarettes, and we all went back to our game of penny ante. NAP wouldn't join us. He said he'd just been playing a game with crowns ante and he was busted. We'd hardly got the cards dealt, when BILL turned to BISMARCK and asked, "I say, BIS, won't you run over and telegraph to the old woman something about our FRITZ?"

"Let JENKINS go," said BIS.

Of course I assented to the proposition.

"Where the devil is FRITZ?" said BILL.

"Oh, he's been sleeping for the last two hours," said MOLTKE.

"Never mind," said BILL, "telegraph a victory by FRITZ."

So I telegraphed,

"A great victory has been won by our FRITZ. What great things have we done for ourselves! We'll keep it up, old woman,

(Signed) BILL."

When I reached the tent everybody was asleep. NAP was reclining gracefully on the breast of BISMARCK, as affectionately as if they were brothers-in-law. The moon shone; the sky was skyey; the hills were hilly; and all nature was getting up.

Anybody who says the above did not come over the cable lies, wickedly, maliciously lies, with intent to deceive. As soon as JACK SMITH'S smack sails, I'll send you a piece of the cable it came over.

Mr. Bull: The Sutler of the World.

HIRAM GREEN TO KONIG WILHELM

He Reviews the Career of a Lunatic. — A Graduate with Nice Ideas.

KING WILYAM, Most noble Loonatic:

We gates all der while! Accordin' to the Marine Cable, I understand you've given old BONEY a slosh on der cope mit der Sweitzer case; or in good plain United States talk, LEWIS NAPOLEON has taken his Umpire, and shoved it up the spout, without the benefit of Judge or Jewry.

I kinder had an idee that when the now busted up rooler of the Umpire tackled you, that it would have been a ten dollar greenback in his panterloons pocket if he had let the contract out on shares to his nabors.

I've allers heard say that as able-bodied a Loonatic as the French say you be, could handle any 3 ordinary men, "Be be Jost or Gobler damed," to cote from our friend BILLY SHAKESPEER.

We have had evidences here, of the superiority of Loonatics, mor'en once.

If a man can prove that his upper story is crackt, he can wallop his wife to his heart's content; and if anybody interferes, he can popp him off with a six shooter, and the law will stand to his back.

Judges and Jewrys, when tryin' such a man, think he is sum punkins, while all the illustrated papers stick the celebrated Loonatic's fotograf onto their first page.

I would like to ask you, if your insanity is of the melon-colic, (this bein' the season when melons is ripe,) or is it of the pro temper kind?

I shoulden't wonder, between you and I, but that you inherited it from your illustrous Antsister, FREDERICK the Grate, who was about as sassy a Loonatic as you can pick up.

What we need just now, and what we have needed for a good while, is a able-bodied Loonatic to send to England as minister.

With such a crazy Statesman as you be, them 'ere little Alabarmy claims would have been squared up long ago, or else, if this court knows herself intimately, the British lion would have been sent off howlin', with a tin kittle tide to his cordil appendage.

You probly observe, I go heavy on Loonatics. Yes, sir! they are the "Coming man," the 16th Commandment; or Chinese Coolers can't hold a candle to 'em.

When a man ups and does something nobody else can do, if they'd bust their biler tryin', then he is sot down as bein' crazy as a loon by his jelous nabors.

I haven't heard whether BISMARK'S or FRITZ'S upper storys were shaky, or not, but there haint the shadder of a dowt in my mind, but what both of these long headed chaps are madder than GEO. FRANCIS TRAIN any day; and that the Crown Prints employs his spare time strikin' tragic attitoods, and repeatin' the follerin well known verses:

My object in riting to you, great Conkeror of the man whose son was so bully at pickin' up bullocks, is to congratulate you.

Speakin' after the manner of men, You are an old Cinnamon bud. Havin' served my country for 4 years as Gustise of the Peece, you can rely on my giving a good sound opinion, from which there haint no repeal to a higher court.

What do you think of my startin' a college here for the purpus of edicatin' Loonatics?

We've got 3 colliges here, Harvard, 'Ale, and the Electoral College, and a skalier lot of week-kneed timber than these institutions sometimes turns out, would make you stick to your stomack to look at.

Stugents are turned out from these asilums with pooty ristocratick idees into their nozzles.

I once knew a chap who was a gradooate of one of these institutions of larning,

He was more ristocratick than a retired church deekin'.

When his wife died, he wanted her to look respectable at the funeral, so he sent to one of his nabors to borrer a silk dress for the corpse to wear, doorin' the funeral services.

Thinks I, that was shovin' a good thing rather too deep in the ground, merely for the sake of pilin' on the agony.

However, that's the way of the world; larnin' will stick out, and you can't atop her.

That son of your'n, FRITZ, is smarter than a 2 year old heifer.

If he haint in that precarious situation which SARY F. NORTON calls "mummery," and the Onida Community says Amen! to, but which good honest folks, like you and I, calls married, then I would say that he mite go further and fare a site wusser, than to come over here and examine my stock of risin' feminine genders.

Mrs. GREEN, the mother of my dorters, is a woman who understands her biz as housekeeper, and anybody who gits one of her gals won't be troubled to death by keepin' a cook to boss 'em around.

Doorin' the prosperous days of Skeensboro, when I was baskin' in the sunshine of offishal life, and had a politikle ax to grind, MARIAR'S biled dinners used to fetch Polerticians to their milk, ekal to the way a big dinner at DELMONICO'S, N.Y., will flop over a New York Alderman.

The surest way of gettin' round a public man, is via his stomack.

But, most noble cuss of the Realm, I must lay aside my goose quil, and go and do the family chores. But afore I close this letter let me speak a word for your noble prisoner, L. NAPOLEON, Esq.

Deal gently with him.

Altho' he plade the wrong card when he pitched into you, recollect the old maxum:

"Never bute a feller when he is down."

France is better, in a good many respects, for things LEWIS done for 'em.

But he has gone to the shades, and SHAKSPEER aptly says:

Which sentiment shode that old SHAKE was a hulsail dealer in human nater.

Hopin' that in the days of your prosperity, you wont forgit your poor relations, sich as mothers-in-law and the like, and when they come to visit you, you wont say:

"Nix cum arous,"

I will dry up.

Ewers anon,

HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,

Lait Gustise of the Peece

THE LOVERS.

In Different Moods and Tenses.

AMOS KEETER

A PRETTY IDEA OF MR. VAN LITTLEDRAM: HE TAKES HIS YOUNGSTER OUT FOR A SAIL, THUS, AND SAVES THE EXPENSE OF A BOAT.

THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE.

CANTO VII.

The above verse immortalizes an event that caused great excitement in the period in which it occurred, although at the present date it would not be considered of much account, or cause the smallest ripple on the glassy calm of our most, sleepy village.

We have progressed beyond being stirred by any little peccadillo such as the theft of a pig or a sheep, or even a watch or a purse, unless it contains a large amount, and was taken under the most aggravating circumstances from ourselves.

A robbery of a bank of a million, when it happens to affect hundreds of people, or a midnight murder executed with the malignancy of a fiend, will sometimes stir up the public for a few days, but even that soon passes out of mind, and society settles back into its imperturbable apathy, retreating with each wave of excitement still further, and becoming by degrees proof against being stirred by anything that does not affect ourselves personally.

Not so, however, in those days of Arcadian simplicity; for the astounding temerity of the Piper's son, in laying felonious hands on the property of the village butcher, or baker, caused an excitement second only to a hanging, or a first-class sensational horror, of later days.

Poor TOM was a deal to be pitied as well as blamed; for although he was the one who