his fond parents; sought evil counsel; was deserted by his false friends; and was now in a deplorable condition indeed. Remorse sometimes brings repentance; at least it did in this case. Our hero remembered the good teachings of his early youth; and, like the prodigal son, was willing to return to the home of his fathers. True, he was in a bramble-bush; but, similia similibus curantur (which, interpreted, signifies, "You tickle me and I'll tickle you").

found his eyes as they were before his sad catastrophe, and without ceremony returned them to their places, by another operation of scratching.

What more need be said! No circumlocution of words will add to the ending of a tale, but perhaps serve only to conceal the point. The author is careful of his reputation. He restores the hero to his original position, in full possession of his senses.

AGOSTINO THE GUNSMITH.

SORTES SHAKSPEARIANAE.

A Picture of the John Real Democracy:—

A Portrait of Woodford as a General:—

Punchinello to Gov. Seymour:—

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

Nux Vomica. Can you give me a description of the sellebrated needall gun?
Answer. Your spelling is so eccentric that we guess you to be connected with the Tribune. As for the "needall" gun, we should define it as a gun without lock, stock, barrel, flint, percussion-cap, powder, ball, or anything else.

O.D.V. Yes: a man may die of delirium tremens produced by drinking too much French wine. If the wine should happen to be Château Margot, the verdict of a Coroner's Jury would probably be—"died of a margot on the brain."

Fumigator. What is the proper spelling of the smoking mixture known as "Killikinnick"?
Answer. Some authorities derive it from a story about an old Canadian having smoked himself to death with it, and spell it "Kill a Kannuck." Others spell it "Kill a Cynic," and believe that DIOGENES, the founder of the Cynical School of philosophy, died of a surfeit of the article.

Otis Bunker. Was there not, in old times, a tax on fires in England, and did it not lead to an insurrection?
Answer. No tax on fires that we ever heard of. You are thinking, probably, of the Curfew Tolls mentioned by GRAY.

Simon Succotash. The expression to "wind a horn" is frequently used. Do people wind one as they would a watch; and, if so, what sort of key do they use?
Answer. Try the key of A Flat: you are sure to have it.

Pump-Handle. Is it possible for a person to sleep during an earthquake?
Answer. Yes: we are acquainted with persons who can sleep soundly upon any kind of shake-down.

Philander. What is the best way of testing a horse's temper?
Answer. If you have a suspicion that the horse is quick to take a fence, just dash him at one and try.

Gorman Dyzer. We think it quite proper, as you suppose, to eat sausages with turkey on Thanksgiving Day. We decline to answer your other question, as to whether it is right to eat turkey with sausages on Thanksgiving Day. It is irrelevant.

Caspar Van Keek. Why is the height of a horse given in hands instead of feet?
Answer. Because it is considered handier, of course.

John of Boston. I have been blackballed at a club. What am I to do?
Answer. Let things alone. Clubs are not always Trumps.

Margaret Shortcake.—I have a great dread of being buried alive. Will holding a looking-glass to the face of a person supposed to be dead determine whether breathing has ceased or not?
Answer. The test is used by physicians. There is an instance on record of a looking-glass being thus applied to a young girl who had been unconscious for hours. She opened her eyes to look at herself in it, which proved that she was wide awake.

Widow McRue.—How soon after my husband's death would it be proper for me to give up my weeds?
Answer. If your husband allowed you to smoke during his life-time, we do not see why you should give up the practice after his death. Although we do not approve of women smoking, yet a fragrant weed between pearly teeth, with an azure cloud curling heavenward from it, has a certain fascination, and so our advice is, "Dry up (your tears), and light a fresh Havana."

Speculator.—What is the best way to double a $20 bill?
Answer. With a paper-folder.

Frost-on-the-Pane.—From languid circulation, or some other cause, I frequently go to bed with cold feet. How can I remedy this?
Answer. Don't go to bed. Sleep in a chair.

POLITICS AS A FINE ART.

First Class in Politics, stand up.

First boy—Define politics as an art.

Politics are the art of eating, drinking, sleeping, and wearing good clothes at the public expense.

Next—Is taking presents of houses, horses, &c., included in this art?

No sir, that's a natural gift.

Who invented politics?

It has been stated by Mr. SUMNER that politics were well known to the early Greeks and Romans; but they were first reduced to an art by T. WEED.

What are the elements of success in politics?

Cheek and stamps.

At what place is this art most cultivated?

At Washington.

How many classes of politicians are there?

Three: big strikes, little strikes, and repeaters.

Define them.

Big strikes are those who, when they make a haul, mean business. Little strikes are those who look after the pence, while the big strikes are looking after the pounds. Both these classes have steady occupation. Repeaters are little strikes who are employed only at election time.

Where are they found?

In both the Republican and Democratic schools.

JOHN SMITH, go to the board and do this example: If the House of Representatives has a Republican majority of thirty, and it remains in session until 8 P.M. on the 4th of July, at what time will a Democrat, whose seat is contested by a Republican, obtain that seat?

THOMAS BROWN, you can try the same example with the Assembly at Albany, only taking the majority as Democratic, and the man whose seat is contested as Republican.

Next boy—Who are the most successful artists among politicians?

Carpet-baggers.

What is the art now called in the South?

Black art.

Why?

Because the leading artists there are of an off color.

JOHN SMITH, have you finished your example?

Yes, sir.

When will that Democrat be admitted, if the session ends at 8 P.M. on the 4th of July?

At 5 minutes after 8 on that day.

THOMAS BROWN, what is your answer? When will that Republican be admitted?

At 5 minutes after 8 P.M. on the 4th of July.

Both correct. That proves that politics have been reduced to a fine art. The class is dismissed.

BOSTON FIRST.

Even in the matter of earthquakes the proverbial superiority of Boston to all other places, as a centre, has just been proved. A writer in the Evening Post, discussing the comparative phenomena of the late earthquake at various points, says:—

"Allowing seven and a half minutes for difference of local time, the shock was two minutes earlier at Boston than at New Haven. This implies that Boston was nearer to the centre of disturbance than New Haven."

Further developments will doubtless show that Boston was ahead not of New Haven only, in the enjoyment of the refreshing young cataclasm referred to, but was the absolute "Hub" from which it radiated, and therefore ahead of all the rest of creation in regard of earthquakes as everything else. Property has already gone up to a tremendous figure at Boston, owing to the multifarious fascinations of the place; but the greatest chance folks there ever had to "pile it on" is the admission of the earthquake as a "Boston notion."

From the Seat of War.

What were the Francs-Tireurs before they were organized?
They wear leather gaiters.

Republicans.

It would be dangerous to elect the two leading Republican candidates. They must have monarchical ideas, inasmuch as they both come from Kings.

DEVOTION TO SCIENCE.

Mamma. "AH YOU CRUEL, CRUEL BOY, HOW COULD YOU FRIGHTEN YOUR DEAR LITTLE SISTER SO?"

The Incorrigible. "I—I ONLY WANTED TO SEE IF HER HAIR WOULD TURN WHITE."

An Advertising Parson.

There is nothing like judicious advertising—at least, we have been told this often enough to believe it. So thinks a Pennsylvania parson, who advertises himself in a newspaper as follows:—

"Cupid and Hymen. The little brown cottage at Cambridge, Pa., is the place to call to
have the marriage-knot promptly and strongly tied. Inquire for Rev. S. J. Whitcomb."

—While he was about it, why didn't the Rev. WHITCOMB advertise the other jobs for which orders might be left at the same shop? Why didn't he say: "Funerals attended with neatness and despatch?" or, "Gentlemen about to leave the world, will be waited upon at their own bed-sides without additional charge?" or, "Cases of conscience adjudicated upon the most reasonable terms?" or, "A fine assortment of moral advice just received, and for sale in lots to suit purchasers?" Let the Rev. WHITCOMB take our hint, enlarge the field of his advertising, and make lots of the Mammon of Unrighteousness.

Fulton versus Tilton.

FULTON taps TILTON for wine, TILTON taps FULTON for beer; FULTON gets a tilt, because TILTON finds him full. In case of a trial, the verdict would probably be, that a full FULTON ran full tilt against a full TILTON.

"AURI SACRA FAMES."

CHEERFUL PHILOSOPHY.

We remember a writer who merited more notice than he actually received, for his well-considered thoughts on the behavior of Mourners,—whose conduct, as a general thing, is certainly open to criticism.

It is all well enough—"due to decency," in fact—to wear "mourning," and now and then look grave; but "this idea of closing your house," observed our philosopher, "and silencing your piano, and abstaining from your customary amusements and habits for months [only think of it!], because some one has departed from misery to happiness, is not alone supremely ridiculous [though that is bad enough], but it is sublimely preposterous and [what is yet more] disgraceful to the last degree of