whom looks, sees, admires, and suddenly develops an epistolary talent hitherto undreamed of by his most enthusiastic friends. There's our MELISSA, for instance—she never used to have a pen in her hand more than once in the course of six months, and now—why, we really seem to have another SÉVIGNÉ budding right in our midst. She went to California, saw all the sights, and wondered, and admired, and wrote. The floods of eloquence that had so long been slumbering now burst forth beyond all hindrance or control. She stopped at Salt Lake, and called upon BRIGHAM YOUNG, and was so disgusted with the mighty prophet that she would not look at him. Yet, considering that circumstance, she described his personal appearance with wonderful vividness and accuracy. She indulged in the usual amount of stern remonstrance and indignation, that seem to be almost indispensable to the occasion. ALONZO asked why she called upon the dreadful man, and somewhat maliciously inquired if it was not for the express purpose of being shocked and horrified, thus affording a fine chance to moralize, and display the elevation of her own principles, and, in fact, help to fill out a good article; but MELISSA most vigorously denied the soft impeachment. Then she saw the sad wives, whose days of sunshine are gone by, and the merry ones,—who don the cap and bells deliberately; and for their benefit she expended just the proper degree of astonishment and sympathy—so fully substantiating the sound and praiseworthy condition of her own mind and heart.

This excellent young woman also caught glimpses of the red man, and here was another glorious opportunity to display her literary genius—and she did not let the occasion slip—O no! it produced a plaintive little rhapsody of pity and regret, such as "Mr. Lo!" is apt to inspire in the hearts of the young and romantic, although if MELISSA were to find herself alone in a forest, with the faintest suspicion of "Mr. Lo!" meandering anywhere near, she would most likely apply her hand involuntarily to her trembling chignon, and regret as keenly as all hard-hearted persons, that civilization has not carried out the process of extermination even more thoroughly than it has done. Indeed, she would probably wish the red gentleman at the bottom of the Red Sea, or in some other equally damp and discouraging situation. The noble-hearted braves are so much prettier to read about than to encounter, and the thrill occasioned by the sight of a bloody hatchet suspended over the intricate elaboration which we so fondly term a head, though more exciting perhaps, would scarcely be as delightful as that awakened by some perfectly safe and stirring ballad of the red man's wrongs.

MELISSA'S ideas of refinement met with a great shock. She concluded that the Indians' acquaintance with soap and water must be extremely limited, and thought that the distribution amongst them of several boxes of COLGATE'S best would be a most delicate courtesy, and true missionary enterprise. In looking at these noble representatives of savage life, she was greatly puzzled to discover where the dirt ended and the Indian began: but philanthropy should overlook such trifles. Philanthropy shouldn't be squeamish.

MELISSA, ecstasized over Lake Tahoe, and Yo Semité, and the Big Trees, and was delighted, enchanted, and enraptured in the most thorough and conscientious manner. She revelled amongst California grapes and pears, and quaffed the California wines with appropriate delight and hilarity. She also studied JOHN CHINAMAN in all his phases, and came to the conclusion that he would do. She thought it would be a seraphic experience to see the pride and importance of Misses BRIDGET and GRETCHEN taken down a little. JOHN would certainly not possess the voluble eloquence—of the first, nor the stolid impudence of the second, nor would he have, like the pretty Swede, a train of admirers a mile in length. Of course he would not have these advantages to recommend him. But then one can get along without florid oratory in the kitchen, and although a lady may feel highly pleased and flattered to see an unending procession of admirers file in and out of her drawing-rooms, still she has a most decided objection to seeing the same imposing spectacle in her kitchen. Women, will be inconsistent.

MELISSA particularly admired JOHN'S manner of ironing. She thought it peculiar but genteel, and gentility is always desirable. There must be something about the climate of California that is especially inspiring to authors—a kind of magnetism in the atmosphere that draws out all the literary talent which may be lying dormant in their souls—so that any one desirous of becoming a writer, has only to take a trip to that fascinating region, and at some unexpected moment he will awake with rapture and delight to the blessed consciousness of having blossomed into a flower of genius, and, as such, will feel privileged at once to deluge his family, his friends, and the world in general, with the brilliant results of his most delightful discovery.

THE PROFIT OF PURITAN PRISONS.

Spain has commissioned a Mr. AZCARATE, a Cuban, to visit and report upon our penal institutions, and the gentleman is now in the country. We trust he will not fail to visit the Connecticut State Prison. There he would unquestionably obtain numerous hints for improving the Spanish system of prison torture, or even that in vogue in his native land, for political prisoners. There he might learn how Yankee thrift, applied in this direction, makes the starving of convicts even a more profitable business than manufacturing wooden nutmegs. Perhaps not the least valuable information he would gain, would be the best method of goading obnoxious prisoners into revolt, and thus obtaining a chance for disposing of them, legally, by a capital conviction.

AN OPEN CONGRESSIONAL COUNTENANCE.

It is oddly enough objected to the re-election of a certain Member of Congress from Massachusetts, that "he can't open his mouth." It might be answered that Gen. BUTLER is quite able to open his mouth wide enough for the whole delegation. The mouth may be opened for two purposes, viz., speech-making and swallowing; and it never appeared to us that there was any lack either of Bolting or Bellering in the House of Representatives. However notably Honorable Gentlemen may play the game either of Gab or Grab, it isn't so clear that their constituents are much benefited by these accomplishments. If all they want is an open-mouthed Member, why don't the Massachusetts men import a first-class crocodile, and send him to the National Menagerie in Washington?

SPREAD OF AMERICAN PRINCIPLES.

It is with a heart full of patriotic pride and gratitude that Mr. PUNCHINELLO observes the adoption, in his dear native Italy, of the manners and customs of the Land of his Adoption. At an election recently held in Rome, about something or some other thing, one enterprising Roman has been discovered who voted "yes" twenty-five times in as many electoral urns—thereby, it is to be presumed, earning a good deal of money. We have a more lively hope for charming Italy when we find even a single citizen exhibiting a skill which would do honor to the most accomplished professional voter in New York. There is something encouraging in finding the Sons of ST. PETER becoming, every one of them, Re-Peters.

To Commentators.

The "Sun of York," mentioned in Richard III., has no reference to the "Sun of New York" neither was the quotation, "Who is here so base, that would be a bondman?" especially meant for application to "THE" ALLEN.

Beatific.

They talk a great deal about the twenty-eight inch beet they have grown in California, but a policeman of this city has a beat three miles long.

"SICH A GITTIN' UP STARES."

1st festive Cuss. "WHAT MAKES FOLKS STARE AT US SO?"

2d Festive Cuss. "ON ACCOUNT OF OUR ELEGANT COSTOOM, I GUESS. THEY TAKE YOU FOR WALL STREET, AND ME FOR FIFTH AVENUE."

OUR EYE-WITNESS AT THE ELECTIONS.

We suppose that no individual has rendered more invaluable service as a historian than the distinguished Eye-witness of the newspapers. The friends of PUNCHINELLO will therefore be rejoiced to hear that this accurate reporter was engaged to detail for our readers the progress of the late elections.

Some time ago, the Eye-witness set about organizing the campaign by the masterly and novel plan of inducing the leaders of the opposing political parties to nominate different men for the same office. The effect was electrical. Immediately on these nominations being made public, the people rose like one man, and began canvassing like a great many different and very quarrelsome men. Target companies sprang from the recesses of the East Side, like ghosts from the rocks in Der Freischütz; drums and fifes resounded; cannons boomed; fireworks burst into flame. The Eye-witness, having thus set the universe satisfactorily by the ears, got into his second-story front, and contemplated the campaign with serene complacency from the window.

He had not to wait very long for a Mass Meeting to be formed under his very nose, and, consequently, within range of his witnessing and recording Eye. This Mass Meeting was conducted by the "Intelligent" Party, and was announced to be speedily followed by a Multitudinous Assemblage of the "Enlightened" Party. These two factions, as it will readily be observed, and as their names indicate, are of the most widely varying character and scope; a fact to be further illustrated by the proceedings which followed.

The intelligent began to assemble early in the evening, to the sound of guns and drums and sky-rockets. These accompaniments were intended to get their spirits up, but the Intelligent persistently applied themselves to getting spirits down; and when the rival processes had continued for a reasonable length of time, speakers began to appear upon the stands. The first man who addressed them was the Commercial Candidate.

"Fellow-citizens," said he, "why are you here? To elect me, of course. (Immense cheering.) And why will you elect me? I am an honest man: I want no office. (Laughter and cheers.) Ah, my friends, you elect me because you are now paying $5.36 on every pound of Peruvian Bark and Egyptian Mummy which you use in every-day life, and because you know that when I am in, the other party will be out!" (Continued applause.)

Next rose an ex-Senator, who said he had come wholly unprepared to speak, but, being unexpectedly called upon, had made some brief jottings on a visiting-card, to which he would now refer. He then spoke for one hour and three-quarters. At the close there was an intermission for carrying off the dead.

JONES, the candidate for the office of Vituperator, then cleared his throat savagely.

"My friends," he began, "BROWN, the opposing candidate, is a scamp, and he knows it. If any man says he isn't, he is. (Loud cheers.) Do you ask me to prove it? Prove an axiom! (Applause.) Who but a damned rascal would run against me at election? I tell you it is assault and battery! (Sounds of approbation.) In conclusion, I will only add that Brown is an infernal bummer and a sneak." (Cheers.)

The Intelligent then dispersed in a splendidly ferocious and bloody-minded condition, fully primed for the election. Shortly afterward the Enlightened appeared upon the scene in the following

ORDER OF PROCESSION.

Cordon of Police.
Drum.
Committee of Arrangements.
Fife.
Target Company.
Drum and Fife.
Small boys.
Apple-women.
Drum.

The Enlightened candidate for the Vituperator was the first on the stand. He rushed forward and said:—

"The Vituperative candidate of the Intelligent let fall in a former speech some subtle or carefully worded innuendoes as to my character. I have only to say that his speech was a tissue of falsehood. I will trespass upon your patience further, to add that JONES is an infernal bummer and a sneak. If he is not, my fellow-citizens, why then I am. (Indignant cries of 'That's so!') My friends, you cannot doubt this reasoning. The facts are then conclusive. Either he is a bummer, or I am. It is therefore your duty, on the 8th November, to elect me at once and in fact to the office of Vituperator, and prospectively to those of Mayor, Governor, and President of the United States." (Prolonged cheering.)

Mr. DE MAGOG, a very giant of eloquence, a Gog as well as Magog of oratory, next set the enlightened agog with a speech.

"Fellow-citizens! Men and Brothers! Victory or defeat! Liberty or death! Glorious republic! Stars and Stripes! Down with the traitor! To the polls! Red fire—blood and thunder"—(voice drowned in shouts of wild enthusiasm.)

The Eye-witness, meantime, had become distracted with harassing doubts. Subscribing fully to the politics of PUNCHINELLO, which is the only paper he reads, he had hitherto announced himself as a member of the Right Party. Being, however, open to conviction, he had unfortunately permitted both parties to convict him. In this awful crisis Reason appeared about to totter from her throne. The Eye-witness thrust his head wildly from the window, and shrieked to the crowd below: "Where's the Right Man? I belong to the Right Party. I want to hear the Right Man!!"

At once the mob became a sea of upturned faces. The Enlightened, together with a large number of the Intelligent, who had lingered on the scene, with one common consent lifted up their voices and groaned. The groan was but a premonitory thunder to a shower of sticks, stones, whiskey-bottles, and superannuated eggs. The Eye-witness closed the window with an undignified bang, and retired into the depths of his chamber, where he remained until after the election. Owing to a dimness of vision, resulting from the eggs-cruciating condition of his ocular organs, the occupation of the Eye-witness was from that moment gone. And to this fact must be attributed his inability to state, with any certainty, whether the Right Party has succeeded in putting the Right Man in the Right Place; but he rather thinks it has.

Spots on the Sun.

The Sun is eclipsed by the World, and is far behind the Times. It cannot be considered a Standard sheet, and will never personify the Star newspaper. Receiving its News with the Mail, as a Herald it is valueless. It cannot claim to be a Journal of Commerce, and as a Tribune for the people it is a failure, and it does not shine as a Democrat, for it relies on the Post for most of its intelligence.

Moral.—Keep the Sun out of your eyes.

A CHEERFUL PROSPECT,

First Old Loafer. "THE PAPERS SAYS THERE'S A CHANCE OF THE BOURBON DIE NASTY REIGNING IN FRANCE AGAIN."

Second ditto. "BULLY! IF THERE'S ANYTHING I LIVE FOR ITS A HIGH OLD RAIN OF BOURBON. LET IT POUR!"

SARSFIELD YOUNG ON FORT SUMTER.

The country was indignant that Fort Sumter was not reinforced. Major Anderson's supplies were nearly exhausted, and he wanted twenty thousand men, with equipments and rations. If the Government couldn't afford the rations—very well: it ought at least to given him the men.

I am speaking of the late rebellion, which GREELEY, HEADLEY, and others have written up. Although a publishing company at Hartford, Conn., own most