PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 153.

November 7, 1917.

CHARIVARIA.

No sooner had the Berliner Tageblatt pointed out that "Dr. MICHAELIS was a good Chancellor as Chancellors go" than he went.

The Daily Mail is very cross with a neutral country for holding up their correspondent's copy. If persisted in, this sort of thing might get us mixed up in a war.

A Highgate man has been fined forty shillings for feeding a horse kept solely for pleasure upon oats. His plea, that the animal did not generate sufficient power on coal-gas, left the Bench quite cold.

A ratcatcher has been granted three pounds of sugar a week until Christmas by a rural Food Control Committee, whom he informed that rats would not look at poison without sugar. The rats' lack of patriotism in refusing to forego their poison in these times of necessity is the subject of unfavourable comment.

There is no foundation for the report that a prominent manufacturer identified with the Liberal Party has been offered a baronetcy if he will contribute five pounds of sugar to the party funds.

No confirmation is to hand of the report that Commander BELLAIRS, M.P., has been spurlos versnubt.

"Why can't the Navy have a Bairnsfather?" asks The Weekly Dispatch. This habit of carping at the Senior Service is being carried to abominable lengths.

Charged with failing to report himself, a man who lived on Hackney Marshes stated that he did not know there was a war on, and that nobody had told him anything about it. A prospectus of The Times' History of the War has been despatched to him by express messenger.

Efforts of the Industrial Workers of the World to establish themselves in this country have received no encouragement, says Sir GEORGE CAVE. They were not even arrested and then released.

We trust there is no truth in the rumour that the Air Ministry Bill has gone to a better pigeon 'ole.

No information has reached the Government, it was stated in the House of Commons recently, that toasted bread is being used as a substitute for tea. The misapprehension appears to have been caused by an unguarded admission of certain tea merchants that they have the public on toast.

We felt sure that the statement declaring that Mr. CHURCHILL had in a recent speech referred to "my Government" would be contradicted. The slight to The Morning Post would have been too marked.

In a case at Bow Police Court it was stated that it took fifteen policemen and an ambulance to remove a prisoner to the police-station. It is supposed that the fellow did not want to go.

Too much importance must not be attached to the report emanating from German sources that Count REVENTLOW has been appointed Honorary Colonel to the Imperial Fraternisers Battalion.

According to The Evening News a gang of thieves are "working" the West End billiard saloons. So far no billiard tables have been actually stolen, but a sharp look-out is being kept on men leaving the saloons with bulgy pockets.

Addressing a Berlin meeting Herr STEGERWALD said, "We went to war at the side of the Kaiser, and the All Highest will return from war with us." If we may be permitted to say anything, we expect he will be leading by at least a couple of lengths.

Film Producer (to cinema artist hesitating on the threshold). "YOU'D SOONER NOT, EH? WHAT DO YOU THINK I GOT YOU EXEMPTED FOR?"

Commercial Candour.

From a Native Tender for Works:—

"In last we hope to be favoured with your orders, in the execution of which we will neglect nothing that can cause you any inconvenience."

"In the past quarter there were 19 births (6 males and 13 females), comprising 10 between 1 and 65 years, and 9 65 and upwards."—Huntingdonshire Post.

The method of dodging the Military Service Acts adopted by these elderly infants strikes us as distinctly unpatriotic.

Looking Ahead.

"Comfortable Home for young lady as paying guest; every convenience; near Cemetery."—Local Paper.

"Nothing which happens in Russia ... can alter the bare fact that Germany is in extremis. I am not sure that articula mortis wouldn't be the correct term."—John Bull.

We, on the other hand, are quite sure it wouldn't.

"'Is it fresh, salt, Danish, or what?' one of the shop assistants was asked.

'Don't know,' he replied, as he wiped the perspiration from his brow, and into the heap of butter with his pats."—Evening Paper.

The vogue of margarine is now explained.

"Servant (general), lady, two gentlemen; no starch."—Scotsman.

We are glad to see that mistresses are taking a firm line against the prevailing stiffness of manners below stairs.

"Of 9,048 houses in Newport only 5,130 are occupied by one family."—The Western Mail.

If full advantage were taken of the housing accommodation it appears that Newport would contain almost two nowadays.

GERMAN OFFICIAL.

"Only a slight gain near Poelcapelle, 300 inches deep by 1,200 inches wide, remains to the enemy."—Nottingham Evening Post.

But by this time the Germans have discovered that, when they give him an inch, Sir DOUGLAS HAIG takes an ell.

MORE TALK WITH GERMAN PEACEMONGERS.

(Including an incidental reference to Mr. H.G. WELLS.)

[The writer has received a pontifical brochure by Mr. WELLS, reprinted from The Daily News, sold by the International Free Trade League and entitled "A Reasonable Man's Peace", in which the following passage occurs:—"The conditions of peace can now be stated in general terms that are as acceptable to a reasonable man in Berlin as they are to a reasonable man in Paris or London or Petrograd.... Why, then, does the waste and killing go on? Why is not the Peace Conference sitting now? Manifestly because a small minority of people in positions of peculiar advantage, in positions of trust and authority, prevent or delay its assembling."]