Science, and let him lose the pieces, for all I cared.

"The Mormon Church, she come to my relief by sendin' me out on a proselytin' expedition to York State. But I wasn't built proper to lead errin' sheep into the fold. Most of the sheep they hollered 'Baa!' when they see me, and gathered distance with both feet. If I did get a chance to talk to a man he always asked me awkward questions. Like one old farmer, whilest I was explainin' the advantages of havin' as many helpmates and cheerful companions and domestic joys as possible, busts into me by takin' holt of my coat and askin' so confidential I couldn't lie to him, 'How do you find it yourself?'

"'The Lord be good to fools!' says I. 'You got one now, ain't you?'

"''M ya-a-as,' says he, without anything you could figger as wild enthusiasm in his voice; 'I hev.'

"'Well,' says I, 'multiply one by eighteen, and let's have a drink.'

"'I had to send word to the Elders that Books of Mormon weren't looked upon as popular readin' in the outlyin' districts, so should I come home, or try New York City? They sends me word back, wishin' my work to prosper, to try New York City, but not to draw on 'em for any more funds until I had a saved sinner or two to show for it. Well, sir, this last clause jolted me. I had spent money free among them farmers, to boom trade, and for the purchasin' of fancy clothes, more to look at than be comfortable in, the idee bein' to show how good a thing the Church of Mormon was to the first glance of the eye. And now, after side-trackin' my railroad fare home, I weren't wadin' in wealth, by no means. More'n that, I understood that the city of New York was a much more expensive place than St. Looey. So I writ a letter back, tellin' 'em I was scatterin' seed so's you could hardly see across the street. There weren't no hope for a crop unless I had more plain sowin' material—please remit.

"And then they come back at me, sayin' I'd already cost the community about four hundred and fifty dollars, and not even a Dutchman by way of results. That I'd understand this weren't said in no mercenary spirit, but just as a matter of business. They would hold a prayer-meetin', they said, which, no doubt, would bring the end aimed at, and for me to go forth strong in the faith and gather 'em up from the wayside.

"I let fly oncet more, sayin' that I was strong in the faith but feeble in the pocket; that sinners were costly luxuries in a big town like New York. How was I goin' to play the Prophet and stand the man off for my board?

"Elder Stimmins wrote back pussonally, exhortin' me to be of good heart, sayin' further that the days of miracles weren't past; at any moment the unrepentant might get it in the conscience—and signed himself my friend and brother in the church, with a P. S. readin':

Dear Zeke: My wife Susan Ann will continner to have high-stukes till I produce a grand pianny. Mary's after a dimint neclas, and my beluvid spous Eliza (that's the carut-heded one lives down by the rivver) will put sumthin' in my food if she don't git a gol watch and chane. Tomlinson's fust three ar rasin' Ned fur new housis, hors and kerige, and the like. The new ones is more amable, but yellin' fur close and truck. Uncle Peter Haskins' latest is on the warpath fur a seleskin sak, and so on and so forth. You know how it is yourself, dear frend and bro., and we ar broke, so I incurrige you to keep your hart stout, your faith intack, and hunt up a poker-game sumwheres, becus we honest ain't got the money.

SAUL STIMMINS.

"'Well!' says the cookee, when he heaved the egg into the coffee, 'that settles it!' And that settled me. I sure did know how it was myself. If there was any man in or out of the Territory of Utah that knew how it was myself, I and him was the same indivijool.

"I took thought of Mrs. Scraggs out there all alone by herself, with her darlin' Zeke entirely out of reach, and while I don't recommend the idee of jollyin' yourself by gloatin' over the misfortunes of others, I thinks this here state of affairs could be worse, and I went forth strong in the faith to New York City, feelin' I might encounter some kind of quick action, like Brother Stimmins prophesied.

"And there, you see, is where sinful feelin' in me turned me over to the enemy, bound hand and foot, gagged and blindfolded. Who was I to exalt myself agin the smart young men of New York City? How come it the foolish notion buzzed in my cockloft that, like Samson of old, I might fall upon the adversary, hip, hurrah, and thigh, and of the fragments that remained gather seven bushels? Pride goeth before destruction and a naughty spirit before a fall. Up I sasshays to my hotel bedroom to take account of resources. Mighty slim they was. In the false bottom of the trunk was a pocketbook that looked like the wheel of progress had passed over it, and a little sack of nuggets—that was all. Them nuggets was the pride of my life. I didn't buy 'em from the Chinaman that offered, but I come horrible near it. And yet that Chink had the innocentest face in Utah; he might ha' stood for a picture of Adam before Eve cast a shadder on his manly brow. I don't recall anything that's more deceivin' than appearances, yet what in the world's a man to go by? Well, them nuggets ort to said to me, 'Young man, beware! Be warier than John H. Devilkins himself! All that's heavy and yaller is not gold. Sometimes a patient Chinaman, flappin' of the flies with his pigtail, will industrusly manufacture that same per schedule out of common, ordinary lead, and, by exercisin' the art of gildin', almost whip-saw people by the name of Scraggs, if so it hadn't 'a' been their gardeen angel moved 'em to try a sample with the edge of a knife.'

"Was I warned? Well, I dunno, anyhow, I trotted myself out to the street to see what this here Metropolus business had to offer different from just plain St. Looey.

"And I found out. Dear friends and brothers, I wonder have you ever seen a man reachin', reachin' for a playin'-card layin' prostrate on the table before him, when his last chip is in the pile, his last cent in the chip, all manners and kinds of bills comin' due tomorrow, the house to close in fifteen minutes, and hopin' that card is just one more little two-spot? Are you familiar with the lines of anggwish on his face? Well, of all the hullabaloo, skippin', flyin', pushin', haulin', rompin', tearin', maulin' and scratchin' messes I ever got into, that street was the worst. At the end of fifteen minutes I had no life in me above my feet, and they was simply slidin', the one before the other, without any aim or purpose. I stood on a corner clawin' hunks of fog off my intellect. In two minutes more I'd ha' yearned for Mrs. Scraggs and Home. I lost all intention of drawin' sustenance out of the inhabitants, when all of a suddent up steps one of these brisk, smart, zippee-zippee-zizoo-ketch-me-if-you-kin young city fellers, the kind of lu-lu joker to go through a countryman like a lightnin' express through a tunnel, leavin' nothin' but the hole and a little smoke, and says he, in a hurry:

"'Sorry to have kept you waitin', Mr. Johnson, but knowin' how much it meant to both of us, I——Oh, I beg your pardon!' says he; 'I mistook you for a friend of mine—no offense, I hope?'

"Now, this same person had on a soup-pot hat that looked borrowed, and he wore his clothes like he used 'em for a hiding-place, but how was a plain jaybird like me to notice that? I was almighty lonesome, too, so I told him there weren't no offense at all. Well, he apologized again, and then he begun to laugh, it was so ridiklus, his mistakin' me for Johnson, that he'd knew all his life, and he says, 'I'll tell you what I'll do; we'll