PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 158.

February 4th, 1920.

CHARIVARIA.

A rumour is going about that martial law may be declared in Ireland at any moment. By which of the armies of occupation does not seem clear.

To make money, says a London magistrate, one must work hard. This is a great improvement on the present method of entering a post-office and helping yourself.

Cat skins are advertised for in Essex. A suburban resident writes to say he has a few brace on his garden wall each night, if the advertiser is prepared to entice the cats from inside them.

Much alarm has been caused in foreign countries by the report that British scientists are experimenting with a machine that makes a noise like Lord Fisher.

According to a witness at a police court in London nearly two hundred people stood and watched a fight between dockers in City Road last week. The way some people take advantage of Mr. Cochran's absence in America seems most unsportsmanlike.

Horse-radish from Germany is being sold in Manchester at six shillings a bundle. Even during the War, thanks to the efforts of the local Press, the Mancunian has never wanted for his little bit of German hot stuff.

Asked how old he was by the magistrate a railway-worker is said to have replied, "Thirty-nine last strike."

The House of Representatives at Washington have offered one hundred thousand pounds to fight the influenza germ. It is said that, if they will make it two hundred thousand, Dempsey's manager will consider it.

An American millionaire, says a gossip, has decided to stay at one London hotel for three months. There was no need to tell us he was a millionaire.

A way is said to have been found for washing linen by electricity. In future patrons will have to tear the button-holes themselves.

It is all very well asking Germany to hand over her war criminals, but the trouble is to find enough innocent men to round them up.

The rumour current in France, to the effect that our Premier has been seen in London, is believed by Parisians to have been spread by political rivals.

The Bolshevists recently deported from America were welcomed on the Finnish frontier by the Red Army and eleven brass bands playing "The International." That ought to teach them to get deported again.

A Thames bargee has summoned a colleague for throwing a huge piece of coal at him. Quite right too. The coal might have fallen into the river.

One Scottish M.P., says a weekly paper, has not made a speech in the House of Commons for twenty years. This is probably due to the fact that a Scotsman rarely butts in when a fellow-countryman is speaking.

The so-called "pneumonia" blouse is conducive to health, declares the Medical Research Committee. On the other hand the sunstroke cravat continues to prove fatal in a great number of cases.

A Swansea man who went to his allotment to dig up some parsnips and ended by taking three cabbages from a neighbour's plot has been fined ten pounds. We approve of the sentence. A man who deliberately associates with parsnips should be shown no mercy.

A news message states that passports enabling Mr. Ramsay Macdonald to proceed to Russia have been refused. As a result we understand that the well-known Socialist has threatened to remain in this country.

Greenwich Council has refused a war trophy, consisting of a hundred bayonets. It appears that in those parts they still adhere to the fantastic theory that the chronometer won the War.

A novel idea is reported from a small town in Norfolk. It appears that at the annual fancy-dress ball all the inhabitants clubbed together and went as a Brontosaurus.

The Hotel Métropole has now been vacated by the Government, and it is thought that, as soon as the extra sleeping accommodation has been cleared away, it will be used as an hotel once again.

We understand there is no truth in the rumour that Mr. Albert de Courville has offered the ex-Kaiser a leading part in his revue, Come Over Here.

A correspondent points out in The Daily Express that there are five Sundays in the present month. We understand however that Mr. Winston Churchill is not to blame this time.

Our Cynics.

"It is stated that the management of the Isle of Man Steam Packet Co. intend to change the name of the newly-acquired steamer Onward to something more in keeping with the traditions of the Company."—Ramsey Courier.

"Serious complaint is being made at another recurrence of the failure of the electric light in ——. It is no light matter."—Local Paper.

It wouldn't be.

Benevolent deck-hand (to solitary small boy). "'Ullo, Beatty! Where's yer pa?"

Small boy. "Up at the sharp end, leaning over the palings."

OF CERTAIN BRUTUSES WHO MISSED THEIR MARK.

["Coalition Doomed."—Poster of "Evening News."

"Coalition Death Sentence."—"Times'" Headline on Mr. Asquith at Paisley.

"Blow to the Coalition."—"Times'" Headline on Mr. Barnes's resignation.]