PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 158.

March 3rd, 1920.

CHARIVARIA.

A lunatic who recently escaped from an asylum was eventually recaptured in a large dancing-hall in the West-End. The fact that he was waltzing divinely and keeping perfect time with the music aroused the other dancers' suspicions and led to his recapture.

The latest type of Tank, Mr. Winston Churchill informed the House of Commons, weighs thirty tons and can pass over a brick without crushing it. It is said to be modelled on the Profiteering Act.

The proposal of the Home Secretary to add fifty per cent. to taxi-cab fares and abolish the initial charge of sixpence is said to find favour both with owners and drivers. The men in particular have always chafed at the necessity of messing about with small silver.

Much sympathy is felt locally for the man who in the excitement caused by the declaration of the poll at Paisley lost his corkscrew.

"The ex-Kaiser was responsible for the War," says the Kölnische Zeitung. Our Hush-hush Department seems to have grown very lax of late.

A welcome case of judicial sympathy is reported from West London. It appears that a Society lady charged with shop-lifting pleaded that she was the sole support of two kennel-ridden poodles, and was immediately discharged.

The Press reports the existence of miles and miles of war-material in huge dumps near Calais and Boulogne. War Office officials, we hear, are greatly relieved, as they have been trying for several months to remember where they had left the stuff.

A lady with small capital would like to meet another similarly situated, with a view to the joint purchase of a reel of thread.

At Jerusalem a tree has been uprooted whose fall is locally believed to presage the destruction of the Turkish Empire. It is only fair to the tree to point out that if it had known of this it would probably, like the Government, have changed its mind at the last minute.

"One of the problems of civilized humanity," says a writer in The Daily Mail, "is the avoidance of pain-producing elements in ordinary diet." Nowadays it is impossible to eat even so simple a thing as a boiled egg in a restaurant without the risk of being stung.

The identity of the gentleman who, under the initials "A.G.," recently advertised in the Press for the thyroid gland of Proteus diplomaticus remains unrevealed.

It appears that the Government have undertaken not to engage in any more war with the Bolshevists, if they, for their part, will endeavour to quell the peace which is still raging.

"Englishmen will never forget America," says a Service paper. For ourselves we had hoped that the American bacon affair was closed.

A burglar broke into a barrister's chambers in the Temple last week. We understand that he got away without having any money taken off him.

A woman who said she had had six husbands asked a London magistrate to grant her a separation. It is supposed that she is breaking up her collection.

Owing to the thick fog experienced in London, last week several daylight hold-ups were unavoidably postponed.

With the present fashion in ladies' wear many owners of beautiful brooches are in the unhappy position of having nothing to attach them to.

In order to raise funds for the building of a new church-porch in a Birmingham parish a member of the committee suggested the sale of small flags in the street. Struck by the originality of this novel idea the chairman agreed to go into the matter in order to see if it was practicable.

A farmer writing from Bridgnorth, Salop, to a daily paper states that he has a tame fox which guards the house at night and shepherds the sheep by day. We understand that the Dogs' Trade Union takes a serious view of the whole matter, but is not without hope of being able to avert a strike.

The real value of co-operation was illustrated the other day on the Underground Railway when a lady complained that a straphanger was standing on her foot. Word was immediately passed down the carriage, with the result that by a combined swaying movement in one direction the offender was enabled to remove his foot.

It is estimated that three hundred and forty thousand persons made fortunes out of the War. Of these it is only fair to say that the number who actually encouraged the War to happen are few. The vast majority simply allowed it to come along and do its worst.

The Corporation of London made £18 on the sale of waste paper in the year 1919-1920, as compared with over £9000 in the year 1918-1919. It looks as if in the last-named year the Corporation was in communication with a Government Department.

"Why will not Scotsmen eat eels?" asks The Manchester Guardian. We cannot say, but we have always understood that the attitude is reciprocal.

"Have you any—er—hats?"

The Post-War Hero.

PAISLEY TO THE RESCUE OF THE COALITION.

(The Prime Minister to Mr. Asquith)