For when I came within those doors august
      Where sat the Boule, doubting if to grant
      The boon of honour which the women ask,
      Or not: and like some Thracian Hellespont
      Tides of opinion flowed in different ways,
      Until obeying some divine decree
      (This is a Nominative Absolute)
      The hollow-bellied circle of a hat
      Received their votes (and now, but not till now,
      Observe my true apodosis begin)—
      Arithmetic, supreme of sciences,
      Proclaimed that persons to the number of
      One thousand seven hundred and thirteen
      Voted Non-Placet (or, It does not please),
      While thrice two hundred, also sixty-two,
      Voted for Placet on the other side;
      Who, being worsted, come as suppliants
      With boughs and fillets and the rest complete,
      Winging the booted oarage of their feet
      Within your gates: the obscurantist rout
      Pursue them here with threats, and swear they'll drag them out!
      Such is my tale: its truth should you deny,
      I simply answer, that you tell a lie.

CHORUS

  Woe! Woe! Woe! Woe! What shall we do and where shall we go?
  Dublin or Durham, Heidelberg, Bonn,
  All to escape the recalcitrant don?
  In what peaceful shade reclined
  Shall the cultured female mind
  E'er remunerated be
  By a Bachelor's Degree?
  Pheu, pheu! [1] Whence, O whence (here the
        antistrophe ought to commence),
  Whence shall we the privilege seek
  Due to our knowledge of Latin and Greek?
  Shall we tear our waving locks?
  Shall we rend our Sunday frocks?
  No, 'tis plain that nothing can
  Melt the so-called heart of man.
  While with loud triumphant pealings
  Ring his cries of horrid joy,
  Let us vent our outraged feelings
  In a wild otototoi— [2]
  Justifiable impatience, when the shafts of fate annoy,
  Makes one utter exclamations such as ototototoi! [2]

Enter PROFESSOR PLACET

  I ask you, ye intolerable creatures,
  Why raise this wholly execrable din,
  O objects of dislike to the discreet?
  Six hundred persons, also sixty-two
  (Almost the very number of the Beast)
  Have voted for you, and defend your gates.
  Moreover, mark my subtle argument:—
  When gates are locked no person can get in
  Without unlocking them: your gates are locked,
  And I have got the key: so that, unless
  I ope the gates, the foe cannot get in.
  This statement is Pure Reason: or, if this
  Is not Pure Reason, I don't know what is.

CHORUS

  Holy Reason! sacred Nous! [3]
  Thou that hast for ever parted
  From the Cambridge Senate House,
  Make, O make us valiant hearted!
  Wisdom, still residing here,
  Calm our mind and chase our fear
  While with wild discordant clamour
  On our College gate they hammer!

[Confused Noise without.]

  Hemich. a. [4] Horrid things! I really wonder
                      how they ever dared to come,
                When they know to base Non-Placets
                      that we're always Not At Home.

  Hemich. B. [4] 'Tis a national dishonour:
                     'tis the century's disgrace.

  Hemich. a. If the College rules allowed it,
                     I should like to scratch their face.

  Hemich. B. Never mind! a time is coming
                     when despite of all their Dons
                We will sack the hall of Jesus,
                     and enjoy the wealth of John's!

  Hemich. a. Vengeance! let us face the foe-man,
                     boldly bear the battle's brunt,
                With our Placets to assist us
                     and our chaperons in front!

[Alarums; Excursions—special trains for voters.]

(A violation of the rule "Ne pueros coram populo Medea trucidet" is about to commence, when—)

Enter APOLLO

(With apologies to Dr V-rr-ll for his profligate character.)

  When all too deftly poets tie the knot
  And can't untwist their complicated plot,
  'Tis then that comes by Jove's supreme decrees
  The useful theos apo mechanes. [5]
  Rash youths! forbear ungallantly to vex
  Your fellow students of the softer sex!
  Ladies! proud leaders of our culture's van,
  Crush not too cruelly the reptile Man!
  Or by experience you, as now, will learn
  Th' eternal maxim's truth, that e'en a worm will turn.

[1. Transcriber's note: The words "Pheu" and "pheu" were transliterated from the Greek as follows: "Pheu"—Phi, epsilon, upsilon; "pheu"—phi, epsilon, upsilon.]

[2. Transcriber's note: The words "otototoi" and "ototototoi" were transliterated from the Greek as follows: the "ot" pairs—omicron (with the rough-breathing diacritical), tau; the trailing "i"—iota.]

[3. Transcriber's note: The word "Nous" was transliterated from the Greek as follows: Nu, omicron, upsilon, sigma.]

[4. Transcriber's note: The "a" and "B" following each "Hemich" were transliterated from the Greek "alpha" and "Beta", respectively.]

[5. Transcriber's note: The phrase "theos apo mechanes" was transliterated from the Greek as follows: "theos"—theta, epsilon, omicron, sigma; "apo"—alpha, pi, omicron; "mechanes"—mu, eta, chi, alpha, nu, eta, sigma.]

QUADRIVIAD, ll. 1-51

Arma virosque cano: procul o, procul este profani: nescio mentiri: si quis mendacia quaerit in vespertinis quaerat mendacia chartis. me neque multo iterum Pharsalia sanguine tincta nec tam Larissa nuper fugitiva relicta Graecia percussit, quam Curia Municipalis Principis augusta dextra Cambrensis aperta, atque novae longis imbutae litibus aedes: omnia quae vobis canerem si tempus haberem aut spatium: sed non habeo, varias ob causas. nunc civilia bella viaeque cruore rubentes Musae sufficient et Quadrivialis Enyo. Nox erat et caeio fulgebat luna sereno desuper: in terris fulgebat Serica lampas plurima, et ornatis pendent vexilla fenestris. spectando gaudent cives: academica pubes palatur passim plateis aut ordine facto proruit ignavum cives pecus: omnia late laetitia magni praesentia Principis implet. Metropolitanae custos, Robertule, pacis, tu quoque laetus ades, nec dedignaris amice inter ridentem comis ridere popellum. ecce tamen Furiae Martini desuper arce dant belli signum: ruit undique vulgus ad arma: procuratores obsistunt subgraduatis, civibus iratis obsistunt subgraduati et cives illis: pacis custodibus, omnes. turba venit diris ultrix accincta bacillis: Metropolitani vecti per strata caballis proturbant cunctos, reliquos in carcere