the house than I had in all the balls and

dances I had forsaken for His sake.  Whenever I remember those early days, it makes me ready to take up any cross whatsoever.  For I know now by a long and a various experience that His Majesty richly rewards even in this life all the self-denial that we do for His sake and service.  I know this by many experiences; and if I were a person who had to advise and guide God’s people, I would urge them to fear no difficulty whatsoever in the path of duty: for our God is omnipotent, and He is on our side.  May He be blessed for ever!  Amen.

O my supreme Good and my true Rest, I know not how to go on when I call those happy days to mind, and think of all my evil life since then!  My tears ought to be tears of blood.  My heart ought to break.  But Thou, Lord, hast borne with me for almost twenty years, till I have had time to improve.  And all that it might be better known to me who Thou art and what I am.  Woe is me, my Maker!  I have no excuse, I have only blame.  Let Thy mercy, O Lord, rest on me.  Other women there have been who have done great deeds in Thy service, but I am good only to talk: all my goodness ends in so many words: that is all my service of Thee, my God.  Cost me what it may, let me not go on coming to Thee with idle words and empty hands, seeing that the reward of every one will be according to his works.  Depart not from me, and I can do all things.  Depart from me, and I shall return to whence I was taken, even to hell.

One of the reasons that move me, who am what I am, to write all this even under obedience, and to

give an account of my wretched life, and of the graces the Lord hath wrought in me is this,—and would that I were a person of authority, and then people would perhaps believe what I say.  This then is what I would say and repeat continually if any one would hear me.  Let no one ever say: If I fall into sin, I cannot then pray.  In this the devil turned his most dreadful batteries against me.  He said to me that it showed very little shame in me if I could have the face to pray, who had just been so wicked.  And under that snare of Satan I actually as good as gave up all prayer for a year and a half.  This was nothing else but to throw myself straight down into hell.  O my God, was there ever such madness as mine!  Where could I think to find either pardon for the past, or power for the time to come, but from Thee?  What folly to the stumbler to run away from the light!  Let all those who would give themselves to prayer, and to a holy life, look well to this.  They should know that when I was shunning prayer because I was so bad, my badness became more abandoned than ever it had been before.  Rely on the waiting and abounding goodness of God, which is infinitely greater than all the evil you can do.  When we acknowledge our vileness, He remembers it no more.  I grew weary of sinning before God grew weary of forgiving my sin.  He is never weary of giving grace, nor are his compassions to be exhausted.  May He be blessed for ever, amen: and may all created things praise Him!

I have made a vow—[it is known as ‘the Teresian vow,’ ‘the seraphic vow,’ ‘the most arduous of vows,’

‘a vow yet unexampled in the Church’], a vow never to offend God in the very least matter.  I have vowed that I would rather die a thousand deaths than do anything of that kind, knowing I was doing it.  I am resolved also, never to leave anything whatsoever undone that I consider to be still more perfect, and more for the honour of our Lord.  Cost me what pain it may, I would not leave such an act undone for all the treasures of the world.  If I were to do so, I do not think I could have the face to ask anything of God in prayer: and yet, for all that, I have many faults and imperfections remaining in me to this day.

ON THE GODHEAD

On one occasion when I was in prayer I had a vision in which I saw how all things are seen in God.  I cannot explain what I saw, but what I saw remains to this day deeply imprinted on my soul.  It was a great act of grace in God to give me that vision.  It puts me to unspeakable confusion, shame, and horror whenever I recall that magnificent sight, and then think of my sin.  I believe that had the Lord been pleased to send me that great revelation of Himself earlier in my life, it would have kept me back from much sin.  The vision was so delicate, so subtle, and so spiritual, that my hard understanding cannot, at this distance of time, close with it; but, to make use of an illustration, it was something like this.  Suppose the Godhead to be a vast globe of light, a globe larger than the

whole world, and that all our actions are seen in that all-embracing globe.  It was something like that I saw.  For I saw all my most filthy actions gathered up and reflected back upon me from that World of light.  I tell you it was a piteous and a dreadful thing to see.  I knew not where to hide myself, for that shining light, in which was no darkness at all, held the whole world within it, and all worlds.  You will see that I could not flee from its presence.  Oh that they could be made to see this who commit deeds of darkness!  Oh that they but saw that there is no place secret from God: but that all they do is done before Him, and in Him!  Oh the madness of committing sin in the immediate presence of a Majesty so great, and to whose holiness all our sin is so hateful.  In this also I saw His great mercifulness in that He suffers such a sinner as I am still to live.

ON THE SOUL

O my God, what unspeakable sufferings our souls have to endure because they have lost their liberty, and are not their own masters!  What tortures come on them through that!  I sometimes wonder how I can live through such agony of soul as I myself suffer.  God be praised who gives me His own life in my soul, so that I may escape from so deadly a death!  My soul has indeed received great strength from His Divine Majesty.  He has had compassion on my great misery, and has helped me.  Oh, what a distress it is for my soul to have to return

to hold commerce with this world after having had its conversation in heaven!  To have to play a part in the sad farce of this earthly life!  And yet I am in a strait betwixt two.  I cannot run away from this world.  I must remain in it till my discharge comes.  But, meantime, how keen is my captivity; how wretched in my own soul am I.  And one of my worst distresses is this, that I am alone in my exile.  All around me people seem to have found their aim and end in life in this horrible prison-house, and to have said, Soul, take thine ease.  But the life of my soul is a life of incessant trouble.  The cross is always on my shoulder; at the same time I surely make some progress.  God is the Soul of my soul.  He engulfs into Himself my soul.  He enlightens and strengthens my soul.  He attends to my soul night and day.  He gives my soul more and more grace.  This has not come about of myself.  No effort of mine brought this about.  His Majesty does it all.  And He has held me by the hand, that I might not go back.  For this reason, it seems to me, the soul in which God works His grace, if it walks in humility and in fear, it may be led into whatsoever temptation, and thrown into whatsoever company, and it will only gain new strength there, and win new victories and spoils there.  Those are strong souls which are chosen of the Lord to work for the souls of others.  At the same time, their best strength is not their own.  All