mercenary.

LAMACHUS
They elected me...

DICAEOPOLIS
Yes, three cuckoos did!(1) If I have concluded peace, 'twas
disgust that drove me; for I see men with hoary heads in the ranks and
young fellows of your age shirking service.  Some are in Thrace getting
an allowance of three drachmae, such fellows as Tisamenophoenippus
and Panurgipparchides.  The others are with Chares or in Chaonia, men
like Geretotheodorus and Diomialazon; there are some of the same
kidney, too, at Camarina and at Gela,(2) the laughing-stock of all and sundry.

f(1) Indicates the character of his election, which was arranged, so
Aristophanes implies, by his partisans.

f(2) Town in Sicily.  There is a pun on the name Gela and 'ridiculous'
which it is impossible to keep in English.  Apparently the Athenians
had sent embassies to all parts of the Greek world to arrange treaties
of alliance in view of the struggle with the Lacedaemonians; but only
young debauchees of aristocratic connections had been chosen as envoys.

LAMACHUS
They were elected.

DICAEOPOLIS
And why do you always receive your pay, when none of these
others ever gets any?  Speak, Marilades, you have grey hair; well then,
have you ever been entrusted with a mission?  See! he shakes his
head.  Yet he is an active as well as a prudent man.  And you, Dracyllus,
Euphorides or Prinides, have you knowledge of Ecbatana or
Chaonia?  You say no, do you not?  Such offices are good for the son
of Caesyra(1) and Lamachus, who, but yesterday ruined with debt, never
pay their shot, and whom all their friends avoid as foot passengers
dodge the folks who empty their slops out of window.

f(1) A contemporary orator apparently, otherwise unknown.

LAMACHUS
Oh! in freedom's name! are such exaggerations to be borne?

DICAEOPOLIS
Lamachus is well content; no doubt he is well paid, you know.

LAMACHUS
But I propose always to war with the Peloponnesians, both at sea, on land
and everywhere to make them tremble, and trounce them soundly.

DICAEOPOLIS
For my own part, I make proclamation to all Peloponnesians,
Megarians and Boeotians, that to them my markets are open; but I debar
Lamachus from entering them.

CHORUS
Convinced by this man's speech, the folk have changed their view
and approve him for having concluded peace.  But let us prepare for the
recital of the parabasis.(1)

Never since our poet presented Comedies, has he praised himself
upon the stage; but, having been slandered by his enemies amongst
the volatile Athenians, accused of scoffing at his country and of
insulting the people, to-day he wishes to reply and regain for himself
the inconstant Athenians.  He maintains that he has done much that is
good for you; if you no longer allow yourselves to be too much
hoodwinked by strangers or seduced by flattery, if in politics you are
no longer the ninnies you once were, it is thanks to him.  Formerly,
when delegates from other cities wanted to deceive you, they had but
to style you, "the people crowned with violets," and at the word
"violets" you at once sat erect on the tips of your bums.  Or if, to
tickle your vanity, someone spoke of "rich and sleek Athens," in
return for that "sleekness" he would get all, because he spoke of you
as he would have of anchovies in oil.  In cautioning you against
such wiles, the poet has done you great service as well as
in forcing you to understand what is really the democratic
principle.  Thus, the strangers, who came to pay their tributes,
wanted to see this great poet, who had dared to speak the truth to
Athens.  And so far has the fame of his boldness reached that one day
the Great King, when questioning the Lacedaemonian delegates, first
asked them which of the two rival cities was the superior at sea,
and then immediately demanded at which it was that the comic poet
directed his biting satire.  "Happy that city," he added, "if it
listens to his counsel; it will grow in power, and its victory is
assured." This is why the Lacedaemonians offer you peace, if you
will cede them Aegina; not that they care for the isle, but they
wish to rob you of your poet.(2) As for you, never lose him, who will
always fight for the cause of justice in his Comedies; he promises you
that his precepts will lead you to happiness, though he uses neither
flattery, nor bribery, nor intrigue, nor deceit; instead of loading
you with praise, he will point you to the better way.  I scoff at
Cleon's tricks and plotting; honesty and justice shall fight my cause;
never will you find me a political poltroon, a prostitute to the
highest bidder.

I invoke thee, Acharnian Muse, fierce and fell as the devouring fire;
sudden as the spark that bursts from the crackling oaken coal when
roused by the quickening fan to fry little fishes, while others knead
the dough or whip the sharp Thasian pickle with rapid hand, so break
forth, my Muse, and inspire thy tribesmen with rough, vigorous,
stirring strains.

We others, now old men and heavy with years, we reproach the city;
so many are the victories we have gained for the Athenian fleets
that we well deserve to be cared for in our declining life; yet far
from this, we are ill-used, harassed with law-suits, delivered over to
the scorn of stripling orators.  Our minds and bodies being ravaged
with age, Posidon should protect us, yet we have no other support than
a staff.  When standing before the judge, we can scarcely stammer forth
the fewest words, and of justice we see but its barest shadow, whereas
the accuser, desirous of conciliating the younger men, overwhelms us
with his ready rhetoric; he drags us before the judge, presses us with
questions, lays traps for us; the onslaught troubles, upsets and ruins
poor old Tithonus, who, crushed with age, stands tongue-tied;
sentenced to a fine,(3) he weeps, he sobs and says to his friend,
"This fine robs me of the last trifle that was to have bought my coffin."

Is this not a scandal?  What! the clepsydra(4) is to kill the
white-haired veteran, who, in fierce fighting, has so oft covered
himself with glorious sweat, whose valour at Marathon saved the
country!  'Twas we who pursued on the field of Marathon,
whereas now 'tis wretches who pursue us to the death and crush us!
What would Marpsias reply to this?(5) What an injustice that a man,
bent with age like Thucydides, should be brow-beaten by this braggart
advocate, Cephisodemus,(6) who is as savage as the Scythian desert
he was born in! Is it not to convict him from the outset?  I wept tears
of pity when I saw an Archer(7) maltreat this old man, who, by Ceres,
when he was young and the true Thucydides, would not have permitted
an insult from Ceres herself!  At that date he would have floored
ten orators, he would have terrified three thousand Archers with his
shouts; he would have pierced the whole line of the enemy with his shafts.
Ah!  but if you will not leave the aged in peace, decree that the advocates
be matched; thus the old man will only be confronted with a toothless
greybeard, the young will fight with the braggart, the ignoble
with the son of Clinias;(8) make a law that in the future, the old man
can only be summoned and convicted at the courts by the aged
and the young man by the youth.

f(1) The 'parabasis' in the Old Comedy was a sort of address or topical
harangue addressed directly by the poet, speaking by the Chorus,
to the audience.  It was nearly always political in bearing, and the subject
of the particular piece was for the time being set aside altogether.

f(2) It will be remembered that Aristophanes owned land in Aegina.

f(3) Everything was made the object of a law-suit in Athens.  The old
soldiers, inexpert at speaking, often lost the day.

f(4) A water-clock used to limit the length of speeches in the courts.

f(5) A braggart speaker, fiery and pugnacious.

f(6) Cephisodemus was an Athenian, but through his mother possessed
Scythian blood.

f(7) The city of Athens was policed by Scythian archers.

f(8) Alcibiades.

DICAEOPOLIS
These are the confines of my market-place.  All Peloponnesians,
Megarians, Boeotians, have the right to come and trade here,
provided they sell their wares to me and not to Lamachus.  As
market-inspectors I appoint these three whips of Leprean(1) leather,
chosen by lot.  Warned away are all informers and all men of Phasis.(2)
They are bringing me the pillar on which the treaty is inscribed(3) and
I shall erect it in the centre of the market, well in sight of all.

f(1) The leather market was held in Lepros, outside the city.

f(2) Mean an informer ((from the Greek) 'to denounce').

f(3) According to the Athenian custom.

A MEGARIAN
Hail! market of Athens, beloved of Megarians.  Let Zeus, the patron
of friendship, witness, I regretted you as a mother mourns her son.
Come, poor little daughters of an unfortunate father, try to find
something to eat; listen to me with the full heed of an empty belly.
Which would you prefer?  To be sold or to cry with hunger?

DAUGHTERS
To be sold, to be sold!

MEGARIAN
That is my opinion too.  But who would make so sorry a deal as to
buy you?  Ah! I recall me a Megarian trick; I am going to disguise
you as little porkers, that I am offering for sale.  Fit your hands
with these hoofs and take care to appear the issue of a sow of good
breed, for, if I am forced to take you back to the house, by Hermes!
you will suffer cruelly of hunger!  Then fix on these snouts and cram
yourselves into this sack.  Forget not to grunt and to say wee-wee like
the little pigs that are sacrificed in the Mysteries.  I must summon
Dicaeopolis.  Where is be?  Dicaeopolis, do you want to buy
some nice little porkers?

DICAEOPOLIS
Who are you?  a Megarian?

MEGARIAN
I have come to your market.

DICAEOPOLIS
Well, how are things at Megara?(1)

f(1) Megara was allied to Sparta and suffered during the war more than
any other city because of its proximity to Athens.

MEGARIAN
We are crying with hunger at our firesides.

DICAEOPOLIS
The fireside is jolly enough with a piper.  But what else is
doing at Megara, eh?

MEGARIAN
What else?  When I left for the market, the authorities were taking
steps to let us die in the quickest manner.

DICAEOPOLIS
That is the best way to get you out of all your troubles.

MEGARIAN
True.

DICAEOPOLIS
What other news of Megara?  What is wheat selling at?

MEGARIAN
With us it is valued as highly as the very gods in heaven!

DICAEOPOLIS
Is it salt that you are bringing?

MEGARIAN
Are you not holding back the salt?

DICAEOPOLIS
'Tis garlic then?

MEGARIAN
What! garlic!  do you not at every raid grub up the ground with your
pikes to pull out every single head?

DICAEOPOLIS
What DO you bring then?

MEGARIAN
Little sows, like those they immolate at the Mysteries.

DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! very well, show me them.

MEGARIAN
They are very fine; feel their weight.  See! how fat and fine.

DICAEOPOLIS
But what is this?

MEGARIAN
A SOW, for a certainty.(1)

f(1) Throughout this whole scene there is an obscene play upon (a) word
which means in Greek both 'sow' and 'a woman's organs of generation.'

DICAEOPOLIS
You say a sow!  Of what country, then?

MEGARIAN
  From Megara.  What! is it not a sow then?

DICAEOPOLIS
No, I don't believe it is.

MEGARIAN
This is too much!  what an incredulous man!  He says 'tis not a sow;
but we will stake, an you will, a measure of salt ground up with
thyme, that in good Greek this is called a sow and nothing else.

DICAEOPOLIS
But a sow of the human kind.

MEGARIAN
Without question, by Diocles! of my own breed!  Well! What think
you?  will you hear them squeal?

DICAEOPOLIS
Well, yes, I' faith, I will.

MEGARIAN
Cry quickly, wee sowlet; squeak up, hussy, or by Hermes! I take you
back to the house.

GIRL
Wee-wee, wee-wee!

MEGARIAN
Is that a little sow, or not?

DICAEOPOLIS
Yes, it seems so; but let it grow up, and it will be a fine fat bitch.

MEGARIAN
In five years it will be just like its mother.

DICAEOPOLIS
But it cannot be sacrificed.

MEGARIAN
And why not?

DICAEOPOLIS
It has no tail.(1)

f(1) Sacrificial victims were bound to be perfect in every part; an animal,
therefore, without a tail could not be offered.

MEGARIAN
Because it is quite young, but in good time it will have a big one,
thick and red.

DICAEOPOLIS
The two are as like as two peas.

MEGARIAN
They are born of the same father and mother; let them be fattened,
let them grow their bristles, and they will be the finest sows you can
offer to Aphrodite.

DICAEOPOLIS
But sows are not immolated to Aphrodite.

MEGARIAN
Not sows to Aphrodite!  Why, 'tis the only goddess to whom they
are offered!  the flesh of my sows will be excellent on the spit.

DICAEOPOLIS
Can they eat alone?  They no longer need their mother!

MEGARIAN
Certainly not, nor their father.

DICAEOPOLIS
What do they like most?

MEGARIAN
Whatever is given them; but ask for yourself.

DICAEOPOLIS
Speak! little sow.

DAUGHTER
Wee-wee, wee-wee!

DICAEOPOLIS
Can you eat chick-pease?

DAUGHTER
Wee-wee, wee-wee, wee-wee!

DICAEOPOLIS
And Attic figs?

DAUGHTER
Wee-wee, wee-wee!

DICAEOPOLIS
What sharp squeaks at the name of figs.  Come, let some figs be
brought for these little pigs.  Will they eat them?  Goodness! how
they munch them, what a grinding of teeth, mighty Heracles! I
believe those pigs hail from the land of the Voracians.  But surely
'tis impossible they have bolted all the figs!

MEGARIAN
Yes, certainly, bar this one that I took from them.

DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! what funny creatures!  For what sum will you sell them?

MEGARIAN
I will give you one for a bunch of garlic, and the other, if you
like, for a quart measure of salt.

DICAEOPOLIS
I buy them of you.  Wait for me here.

MEGARIAN
The deal is done.  Hermes, god of good traders, grant I may sell
both my wife and my mother in the same way!

AN INFORMER
Hi! fellow, what countryman are you?

MEGARIAN
I am a pig-merchant from Megara.

INFORMER
I shall denounce both your pigs and yourself as public enemies.

MEGARIAN
Ah! here our troubles begin afresh!

INFORMER
Let go that sack.  I will punish your Megarian lingo!(1)

f(1) The Megarians used the Doric dialect.

MEGARIAN
Dicaeopolis, Dicaeopolis, they want to denounce me.

DICAEOPOLIS
Who dares do this thing?  Inspectors, drive out the informers.
Ah! you offer to enlighten us without a lamp!(1)

f(1) A play upon (a) word which both means 'to light' and 'to denounce.'

INFORMER
What! I may not