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More Misrepresentative Men
Harry Graham
More Misrepresentative Men
By Harry Graham
Author of
"Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes,"
"Misrepresentative Men,"
"Ballads of the Boer War,"
"Verse and Worse," etc., etc.
PICTURES BY
Malcolm Strauss
NEW YORK
Fox, Duffield & Company
MCMV
Copyright, 1905, by
FOX, DUFFIELD & COMPANY
Published in September, 1905
To
E. B.
Contents
| PAGE | |
| Author's Foreword | 9 |
| Publisher's Preface | 14 |
| Robert Burns | 18 |
| William Waldorf Astor | 33 |
| Henry VIII | 42 |
| Alton B. Parker | 48 |
| Euclid | 54 |
| J. M. Barrie | 65 |
| Omar Khayyam | 72 |
| Andrew Carnegie | 78 |
| King Cophetua | 85 |
| Joseph F. Smith | 90 |
| Sherlock Holmes | 98 |
| Aftword | 109 |
List of Illustrations
| Andrew Carnegie | FRONTISPIECE |
| FACING PAGE |
|
| Robert Burns | 18 |
| William Waldorf Astor | 34 |
| Henry VIII | 42 |
| Alton B. Parker | 48 |
| Euclid | 54 |
| J. M. Barrie | 66 |
| Omar Khayyam | 72 |
| King Cophetua | 86 |
| Joseph F. Smith | 90 |
| Sherlock Holmes | 98 |
Authors Foreword
(To the Publisher)
HEN honest men are all in bed,
We poets at our desks are toiling,
To earn a modicum of bread,
And keep the pot a-boiling;
We poets at our desks are toiling,
To earn a modicum of bread,
And keep the pot a-boiling;
We weld together, bit by bit,
The fabric of our laboured wit.
We see with eyes of frank dismay
The coming of this Autumn season,
When bards are driven to display
Their feast of rhyme and reason;
With hectic brain and loosened collar,
We chase the too-elusive dollar.
The coming of this Autumn season,
When bards are driven to display
Their feast of rhyme and reason;
With hectic brain and loosened collar,
We chase the too-elusive dollar.
While Publishers, in search of grist,
Despise our masterly inaction,
And shake their faces in our fist,
Demanding satisfaction,
We view with vague or vacant mind
The grim agreements we have signed.
Despise our masterly inaction,
And shake their faces in our fist,
Demanding satisfaction,
We view with vague or vacant mind
The grim agreements we have signed.
For though a willing public gives
Its timely share of cash assistance,
The author (like the dentist) lives
A hand-to-mouth existence;
And Publishers, those modern Circes,
Make pig's-ear purses of his verses.
Its timely share of cash assistance,
The author (like the dentist) lives
A hand-to-mouth existence;
And Publishers, those modern Circes,
Make pig's-ear purses of his verses.
Behold! How ill, how thin and pale,
The features of the furtive jester!
Compelled by contracts to curtail
His moments of siesta!
A true White Knight is he to-day
(Nuit Blanche, as Stevenson would say).
The features of the furtive jester!
Compelled by contracts to curtail
His moments of siesta!
A true White Knight is he to-day
(Nuit Blanche, as Stevenson would say).
Ah, surely he has laboured well,
Constructing this immortal sequel,—
A work which no one could excel,
And very few can equal,—
A volume which, I dare to say,
Is epoch-making, in its way.
Constructing this immortal sequel,—
A work which no one could excel,
And very few can equal,—
A volume which, I dare to say,
Is epoch-making, in its way.
When other poets' work is not,
These verses shall retain their label;
When Herford is a thing forgot,
And Ade an ancient fable;
When Goops no longer give a sign
Of Burgess's empurpled kine.
These verses shall retain their label;
When Herford is a thing forgot,
And Ade an ancient fable;
When Goops no longer give a sign
Of Burgess's empurpled kine.
My Publishers, I love you so!
Your well-secreted virtues viewing;
Who never let your right hand know
Whom your left hand is doing;
Who hold me firmly in your grip,
And crack your cheque-book, like a whip!
Your well-secreted virtues viewing;
Who never let your right hand know
Whom your left hand is doing;
Who hold me firmly in your grip,
And crack your cheque-book, like a whip!
Publisher's Preface
(To the Author)
ORACIOUS Author, gorged with gold,
Your grasping greed shall not avail!
In vain you venture to unfold
Your false prehensile tale!
Your grasping greed shall not avail!
In vain you venture to unfold
Your false prehensile tale!
I view in scorn (unmixed with awe)
The width of your capacious maw.
On me the onus has to fall
Of your malevolent effusions;
'Tis I who bear the brunt of all
Your libellous allusions;
To bolster up your turgid verse,
I jeopardise my very purse!
Of your malevolent effusions;
'Tis I who bear the brunt of all
Your libellous allusions;
To bolster up your turgid verse,
I jeopardise my very purse!
You do not hesitate to fleece
The Publisher you scorn to thank,
And when you manage to decrease
His balance at the bank,
Your face is lighted up with greed,
And you are lantern-jawed indeed!
The Publisher you scorn to thank,
And when you manage to decrease
His balance at the bank,
Your face is lighted up with greed,
And you are lantern-jawed indeed!
Yet will I still heap coals of fire,
Until your coiffure is imbedded,
And you at last, perchance, shall tire
Of growing so hot-headed,
And realise that being funny
Is not a mere affair of money.
Until your coiffure is imbedded,
And you at last, perchance, shall tire
Of growing so hot-headed,
And realise that being funny
Is not a mere affair of money.
Robert Burns
HE jingling rhymes of Dr. Watts
Excite the reader's just impatience,
He wearies of Sir Walter Scott's
Melodious verbal collocations,
And with advancing years he learns
To love the simpler style of Burns.
Excite the reader's just impatience,
He wearies of Sir Walter Scott's
Melodious verbal collocations,
And with advancing years he learns
To love the simpler style of Burns.
Too much the careworn critic