PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 109. August 17, 1895.

edited by Sir Francis Burnand

"THE SECRET OF SUCCESS."

DISCRIMINATION.

Young Man from the Country (with the affable condescension he supposes marks the Man about Town). "'Morning, Coachman! Streets rather busy this Morning, eh?"

Metropolitan Driver. "Yuss—a bit the usual way, Sir. 'Ow's 'Ops lookin'?"

(Modern Version of the Story of the Idle and Industrious Apprentices.)

Mr. Goodchild was admittedly the most successful of merchant princes—not only financially, but morally. From a boy the great trader had advanced on the road of commerce by leaps and bounds. His parents were of humble birth and in poor circumstances, and yet he had risen to the top of the tree of commercial prosperity. Mr. Goodchild had shops, warehouses, wharfs, and a fleet of ships. He had never had a reverse. All he had touched had turned to gold. This is so well understood that a description of his enormous wealth in detail would be entirely superfluous.

"Do you really want to know the secret of my pecuniary triumph?" asked Mr. Goodchild, when he was questioned on the subject.

"Why, certainly," was the reply. "How is it that your companion, the idle apprentice, came to such signal grief?"

"Because he was always reading the worst of literature. He knew the history of every felon recorded in the Newgate Calendar, original edition, and added chapters. That brought my 'colleague as a boy' to such dire disaster."

"And you never perused the pernicious documents?"

"Never. And I can prove my statement to the hilt."

"You never perused them! And why not?"

"Because," returned the prosperous capitalist with a gentle smile, "those in whose hands my future rested had my true interest at heart. I was never taught to read!"

And with this suggestive announcement (well worthy of the attention of ratepayers who can control the expenditure of the School Board) the history of the two apprentices is brought to a conclusion at once pleasing and instructive.

ARITHMETICAL EXERCISE.

Letter to the Editor.

"Sir,—I read in the Money Market article last week that Dumbells Co., Isle of Man, paid 17 per cent. Now, Sir, a long time ago I invested in Dumbells, and use them regularly every morning; also I recommend everybody to invest in Dumbells. But where is my 17 per cent.? I've never received it. I am certainly considerably better in health and muscular development than I was before my investment in Dumbells. But, putting this at 5 per cent. better, I still want the other twelve. I apply, Sir, to you, for further information, and am, yours hopefully,

"A. Wyse Aker."

A QUERY.

(By Omar Khayyam.)

JOVE'S JESTER INTERVIEWED.

(A Page of Mythology written up to Date.)

The Traveller from the Earth left his balloon and trod the cloud that seemed prepared to receive him. As he did this there was a peal of laughter which echoed far and wide.

"Where am I?" asked the explorer in English, for he was British-born.

"You have come to the head-quarters of waggery," returned the Resident, recovering from a violent fit of merriment. "We are never dull here, we have so much to amuse us."

"Indeed! And how is that?"

"Why, I take a delight in effecting the most comical transformations imaginable. By the simplest means I can cause an inhabitant of the Earth to change his costume five times in as many hours. The jest is provocative of limitless mirth, especially amongst the doctors and the undertakers."

"And what are the simplest means?"

"Why, I will serve up on Monday a sun worthy of the most fiery day in an unusually sultry August. On Tuesday I will send a gale and hailstones, suggestive of the arctic regions at Yule-tide. On Wednesday I will resume the oppressive heat until streams dry up, and water rises to a premium. Then on Thursday I will cover the ground with snow, and finish up the week with a deluge."

The Stranger raised his hat and answered, "The Clerk of the Weather, I presume?"

"Quite so," was the immediate response. "And now you must leave me to my work, or Englishmen will have nothing to talk about."

And the balloon once more continued its progress amidst a perfect salad of the elements.

"Very amusing," thought the Traveller, and then he added aloud, speaking incidentally the opinion of all his countrymen, "but distinctly inconvenient!"

MERELY A SUGGESTION.

Mr Punch (to the Shahzada). "Wouldn't your Highness like to see the North Pole?"

["At the weekly meeting