I do know. Revenge occurred to me as the natural impulse of a man in such a situation; but upon whom was I to be revenged? The government had given currency to all these wild rumors; but it had too many heads for me to punch. The job was bigger than I cared to undertake. The thought occurred to me that I might present a bill of damages. Their sense of justice would allow its fairness. I had been the dupe of false intelligence, the victim of a series of frauds perpetrated to "regulate" the popular feeling. I did not debate the thought, but took my resolution immediately, and drew up the following.

I could not conceal from myself that the bill for damages was altogether too small; but as France is poor, and the demands upon her exchequer are great, I determined to send it just as it was, and wait in patience for the result. I did so, and have been waiting ever since. The recollection of what the Judge told JOHN BUNYAN when he sent him to jail keeps me up: "Patient waiting, JOHN," observed the philosophic magistrate, "is no loss." I try to fancy that I combine the patience of BUNYAN with the philosophy of the Judge, and in that belief subscribe myself, Bill-iously yours,

DICK TINTO.

GETTING MARRIED WITHOUT A MASTER.

IN FOUR EASY LESSONS.

espond not, ye bachelors—anybody can get married. It's as easy as rolling off from the roof of a six-story house, and quite as beneficial to the system. I have known people who did this little business without intending to accomplish it, but they never crowed over it; and I have known others who have intentionally done it three or four times. But everybody cannot do this work as it should be done. It's all very well for you to have an elegant creature of your own, dressed in a white robe and a blue ribbon; but, if you did not win her in the proper manner, you feel degraded every time you gaze on her. Style is everything in this business. For the benefit of the rising generation I have written this little treatise, which will elucidate all the mysteries of the marriage business, and will make every man his own guide to wedded bliss.

CHAPTER I.

FINDING THE GAME.

The true sportsman in this field is very wary. He casts his optics around him until he finds the bird for which he thinks he had better go. A vast amount of skill can properly be expended here. If the hunter is young and rich, he can go for almost anything; if he is verging towards gray hair and false teeth, he must not demand too much in the way of beauty or money. If he has reached the well-preserved period, he can have youth or beauty, but not wealth. No true sportsman ever goes for brains, because it is almost impossible to find them, and, when found, they are very unsatisfactory.

If the bird is an orphan, examine the books in the Surrogate's office until you find her father's will; if her papa is still alive and kicking, persuade her to take his bank-book into the back kitchen and there count the shekels. Never let your heart get into the mess, for that complicates matters.

If you have a hankering for widows, never run after one who has been in the business more than once. They become so knowing after two or three trials. Besides, there is a fatality about some women—they're bound to be widows. Furthermore, widows have a way of appearing to be loaded down with ducats, when, in reality, they are pawning the late defunct's unmentionables for the means of existence.

Always select young game, if possible, as it is more likely to be tender than that which has been condemned to the wall at numberless parties. Game with freckles, or pimples, or cross eyes, can never be first-class.

CHAPTER II.

AMMUNITION.

Too much care cannot be exercised in the selection of this article. You must take care that it is adapted to the game. If the bird be an unbleached blonde, try first-class prayer-meetings, mild decoctions of Sunday-school exhibitions, parlor concerts, and readings. If it wear spectacles, some light, airy, and poetical reading matter, like BUTLER'S Analogy, or the Tribune, is useful. If the bird be a brunette, try theatres, balls, operas, etc.; suppers at DEL.'S have been known to do execution among this class. Never try lectures to young women with this kind of bird. The bleached blondes are difficult to handle. If you suspect the bleaching, try a judicious mixture of both kinds of ammunition.

Some kinds of ammunition are adapted to all classes. Rings, especially diamonds, fans, bouquets, and jewels can be used in quantities only limited by the amount of your bank account, or of your employer's petty cash. I have seen a bracelet do the business at once, though, to be sure, it was a very gorgeous one. Serenades may be used to advantage, but care must be taken in selecting the songs and the windows. To a blonde you may very well sing, "Thy eyes so blue, of violet hue;" to a brunette, "Black-eyed Mary" or Susan; to a bleached blonde, "I am dying, Egypt, dying." Never sing vulgar songs, which are used by hungry lovers of cooks, such as, "Wilt thou meat me to-night by the old garden gate," or, "Meat me by moonlight alone."

CHAPTER III.

BRINGING DOWN THE GAME.

Nowhere is more real skill required than here; If you do not make a dead shot, you might better have saved your ammunition. Almost every wounded bird escapes. Always make sure of your aim, and, when you fire, bring down the bird. The proper course to pursue is this: carefully use your ammunition, and, when you think things are favorable, and you get a good sight, make your shot. You can always deliver it best on your knees. Be careful that there is no little sister or brother around when you go in for business, for snickering is catching, and the bird may fly before you have delivered your shot.

Some shady nook is the proper place in which to do this part of the business, unless the weather be cold; in that case I have known game to be brought down by a sportsman in the hall, where the house was heated by hot air. Parent birds sometimes interrupt the sportsman just as he imagines that he has a sure thing, which certainly is very aggravating. Game properly brought down drops upon your left shoulder, and you judiciously apply your lips to its bill. After that a proper amount of hugging is advantageous and nice, but be very careful not to keep the parent birds up too late.

CHAPTER IV.

BAGGING THE GAME.

This should always be done in the very best style. First-class churches, and two or three parsons, can generally bag you and the bird properly. Notice of the bagging should always be given to your friends, and the bag should be large enough to hold not only the bird, but also any first-class houses, greenbacks, or silver-ware which may be furnished by the friends of the bird. They say that BROWN, of Grace Church, understands all the details of this kind of bagging. The game should be elegantly dressed for the occasion, at the expense of the parent birds, of course. You must take care that the bag is so tied that the bird cannot escape, though they do say that, if you go to the neighborhood of Chicago, the bird will escape, even if the bag is fastened in the most careful manner. I advise you, therefore, not to emigrate in that direction.

By the aid of the foregoing lessons any man should be enabled to catch a bird which, in the course of a month, he will wish he had left alone.

Military Interference.

The Republicans insist that General GRANT did not intend to interfere with the last New York election. They had better "tell that to the Marines."

"The Absorption of Germany."

To realize the meaning of the above phrase, which one hears so often now, one need only explore the Bowery of an evening. He will observe that the absorption of Germany is immense.

Sporting Intelligence.

The great Shakespearian artist, Mr. JAMES MACE, plays two pieces in one evening; he plays "As You Like It," and also plays Cast.

Not to be Wondered at.

OLIVER DYER, the prototype of "the wickedest man in New York," is getting anxious about "How to get to Heaven."

Remarkable Feat.

The authorities of Lyons have succeeded in doing with GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN that which people in this country have tried in vain. They have shut him up.

A Sure Sign of the Holidays.

When the voice of the turkey is heard in the land.

The Grant Tartan.

A thousand-dollar check.

THE WINTER FASHIONS.

Owing to the war in France, which has deprived this country of the usual Paris fashions, it has been feared that no clothes would be worn by the fashionable world this winter; but, fortunately, Mr. PUNCHINELLO is enabled to announce that such will not be the case. Garments of various kinds will be in vogue, and the following descriptions of some of them may prove useful and interesting to the beau monde:—

Gentlemen will wear business coats with sleeves. The will open and button in front. Coats buttoning behind now meet with no favor from the strictly fashionable classes. Coats for evening and dress occasions, however, will open behind as well as in front, but the will not open all the way up the back, unless in case of accident.

Pantaloons will be worn on the legs, as last season, and they will reach below the knee.

Vests will be worn under the coat this winter, and will have pockets. One of these is to be appropriated to the watch, and the practice of carrying it in the coat-tail pocket will be entirely abandoned, as it is now considered neither convenient nor stylish.

Collars will be worn around the neck, as last season, and cravats will tie in front. The "Greeley" style is, however, an exception to this rule. It is considered the correct thing, among gentlemen of position in the fashionable world, to wear a cotton or linen shirt under their ordinary suits. Only a small portion of this garment must be exposed,—a part of the bosom, for instance. Handkerchiefs should be hemmed. Stockings are to be worn, this year, under the boots, and although a different arrangement may be allowed to old gentlemen, in icy and sleety weather, it is not considered proper to wear woollen or other stockings over the boots at evening parties or other social reunions. Black is the favorite color for boots, and the most recherché and convenient style is that in which small loops are placed at the top of the boot-leg, one on each side, so that they may be drawn on after having been taken off; thus avoiding the necessity of wearing them at all times. Any one who dislikes sleeping in boots will appreciate this arrangement. Gloves will be made with separate compartments for the fingers, and few persons now wear the old-fashioned mitten at the opera. The best fastenings for gentlemen's clothing will be found to be buttons. No gentleman, having tried these, will be any longer content with hooks and eyes.

In regard to the fashion for ladies, Mr. PUNCHINELLO cannot now enter into details, but he will give a slight description of a few novelties. Frocks, or, as they are now called, dresses, will be worn this winter. Those with skirts are considered much the most stylish. Corsets still maintain a firm hold upon the female portion of the community, and hoop-skirts will not be worn outside of the clothing this winter, but will be tastefully concealed.

Ultra fashionable ladies will wear shoes and stockings this season, not only in the street, but in the house, and Mr. PUNCHINELLO is glad to see the favor accorded to so sensible a fashion. Children will dress very much as the means of their parents allow, but as a rule, their clothes will be cut smaller that those of the adult members of the family.

Britannia Rules the Waves.

FROM the fate of the Captain and the recent report concerning the Monarch, Mr. PUNCHINELLO would suggest to his friend Miss BRITANNIA, that if she desires to retain her naval supremacy, the best thing she can do is to provide all her rivals with iron-clads of this first-class kind, gratis, so as to induce them to accept them.

Waiter. "DID YOU SAY A PLAIN STEW, SIR?"

Gruff Customer. "OF COURSE I SAID A PLAIN STEW, YOU AGGRAVATING BABOON—SO PLAIN THAT I CAN SEE IT!"

WAR DESPATCHES MADE EASY

BERLIN, December 12.—A despatch from King WILLIAM to Queen AUGUSTA has reached this city by telegraph.

[The King WILLIAM above mentioned is a native of Prussia, in which country he is frequently spoken of as König WILHELM. Queen AUGUSTA is his wife. They have been married several years. Some children, one of whom is popularly known as OUR FRITZ, are the fruit of their union. The King has been absent from home a few months, and his wife must have been much pleased to get a despatch from him.]

TOURS, December 12.—Prussian troops, fully armed and equipped, have lately been observed by some of the French outposts.

[Prussian troops have been in France since the early part of August. They entered by force, and have refused to leave, though several times requested to do so. Their presence is not desired by the inhabitants, who are chiefly hostile to them: several attempts to eject them have failed. They wear clothing, and some have whiskers, and they carry a weapon called Zündnadelgewehr. The time of their return to their own country has not yet been definitely agreed upon.]

LONDON, December 13.—Balloon despatches from Paris have been received at Tours. They contain information in regard to affairs within the beleaguered city.

[Paris is a city of several hundred thousand inhabitants. It is located on the Seine, which is the name of a river that divides it. It is also divided by some other things, principally political feeling. Paris is well known by travellers. It has been in its present location more than a thousand years, and will probably remain some time longer. Although it has frequently been moved by great events, it is as stationary as any other city in the world. It is at present surrounded by a Prussian army.]

BRUSSELS, December 13.—Some carrier-pigeons have arrived here from