PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 156.

January 8, 1919.

CHARIVARIA.

The mystery of the Foreign Office official who has not gone to Paris for the Peace Conference has been cleared up. He is the caretaker.

"The King and Queen of Roumania," says a Paris paper, "will embark after Christmas, orthodox style, for Western Europe." It is easy enough to start a voyage, orthodox style; the difficulty is at the other end.

The supreme command of the German Navy, says a telegram, has been transferred to Wilhelmshaven. This looks like carelessness on the part of the watch at Scapa Flow.

This year's Who's Who has eighty-six more pages than that of last year. On the other hand, since the Election quite a number of people are not Who at all.

"The present rule in Who's Who," says The Evening News, "is that the more important a man is the less space he is content to occupy." As some of the staff of our evening Press do not occupy any space at all in this excellent publication we leave readers to draw their own conclusions.

The Frankfürter Zeitung observes that the ex-Kaiser has grown very silent and morose. It is supposed that he has something or other on his mind.

A Copenhagen message states that the Spartacus people have three times attempted to murder Count REVENTLOW, who is said to regard these attempts as being in the worst possible taste.

Once again the newspapers have been beaten. It appears that Princess PATRICIA knew of her engagement some time before the Press announced it to Her Royal Highness.

"We still believe," says the Kölnische Zeitung, "that in thought the German and the Britisher are racially akin." All the same we should not encourage the Hun to come over here with the idea of making a spiritual home among his alleged relatives.

Charged with drunkenness at the Thames Police Court a man attributed his condition to the beer habit. It is remarkable how men will cling to any sort of excuse.

Woolwich Arsenal, we are informed, is turning out milk-cans. Can nothing be done, asks a pacifist, to save our children from the insidious grip of militarism?

Nottinghamshire War Committee states that rat-catchers are now demanding four pounds a week. Diplomacy, it appears, is the only branch of British sport that has succeeded in escaping the taint of professionalism.

"Fractious mules," says a correspondent of The Daily Mail, "should not be sent to the country for sale." The playful kind, on the other hand, that bite and kick from sheer joie de vivre, are bound to have a beneficial effect on the agricultural temperament.

A Guildford allotment-holder successfully grew new potatoes for Christmas-day dinner. All were eaten, it appears, except one, which was kept to show to the Christmas pudding.

There is no truth in the report that Mr. DANIELS, U.S. Secretary for the Navy, has received a telegram from Mr. WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST, saying, "You furnish the navy and I'll furnish the war."

"The Crystal Palace," says. Dean INGE, "is the embodiment of spiritual emptiness." A determined attempt is to be made to find out what the Crystal Palace thinks of Dean INGE.

Stories of an unsuccessful Candidate in the Midlands, who was heard to admit that the voters probably preferred his opponent's personality, must be definitely regarded as apocryphal.

Traditions in Scotland die hard. We gather that it is stili considered unlucky for a red-headed burglar to cross a Scottish threshold on New Year's Eve.

A man at Berne has recently confessed to a murder he committed twenty-one years ago. This is what comes of memory-training.

It is reported that TROTSKY has been ordered by his doctor to take a complete rest. He has therefore decided not to have any more revolutions for the present. Orders however will be executed in rotation.

Credit where credit is due. A woman fined at Wood Green Police Court said her name was JOLLY and she had been having a "jollification," yet the magistrate refrained from comment.

"Where was the Poet Laureate during the visit of President Wilson?" asks a correspondent in a contemporary. We do not share this curiosity.

"Foxes are to be found within an omnibus ride of Charing Cross," says Mr. RICHARD KEARTON. Young omnibuses with plenty of bone and stamina are the best for suburban meets.

Anemones, said a lecturer at the Royal Institution, will live as long as sixty years in captivity and are very intelligent. Nevertheless we refuse to swallow the story about their being taught to jump through a hoop. The man who told it must have been thinking of an Egyptian king of the same name.

The LORD-LIEUTENANT, it is stated on good authority, threatens that if Sinn Fein prisoners destroy any more jails they will be rigorously released.

The Fare. "I DEFY YOU!"

The Driver. "WHO ARE YOU?"

The Fare. "I AM A RETIRED TAXI-DRIVER."

"Sir Eric Geddes speaks of £50,000,000,000—a sum so vast that it could not be paid off in a century of annual payments so small as £2,000,000,000 each."—Yorkshire Paper.

Our contemporary overestimates the difficulty.

THE VERDICT OF DEMOCRACY.