troublin' you. But duty is duty, an' it must be done whether we give offence to our best friends or not. Sure, 'tis well I know that you have no one on the premises.

MRS. COTTER
We can't please everybody.

CONSTABLE (as he draws a chair to the fire and sits down) Who would try? I wonder is it snow we're goin' to have?

MRS. COTTER
If you're cold, come up to the fire in the sittin'-room.
Or if I were you, I'd take a good walk.

CONSTABLE
I'm tired o' walkin', an' the cold gives me no trouble.
'Tis the pains I have here (placing his hand on his
heart) that affects me.

MRS. COTTER
What sort are they?

CONSTABLE
Cramps—of the worst kind.

MRS. COTTER
Gracious me! Have you taken anythin' for them?

CONSTABLE
What would be good for 'em?

MRS. COTTER
Hot milk an' pepper.

CONSTABLE
I tried that.

MRS. COTTER
Anythin' else?

CONSTABLE
Nothin' except a smoke.

MRS. COTTER
Maybe a little drop o' "Wise's" would do some good?

CONSTABLE I'd try anythin' that 'ud lessen the pain, though I'd rather not be troublin' ye.

MRS. COTTER
'Tis no trouble at all.

[Exit. While she is away, something falls in the room where Micus and Padna are. The Constable fails to open the door, and returns to his chair before Mrs. Cotter comes back with the drink.

MRS. COTTER (handing glass) Drink that up, go straight home, bathe ye'r feet in mustard an' water, an' ye'll be as strong as a Protestant in the mornin'!

CONSTABLE (taking glass)
Thank ye, ma'am.

[Drinks it off. The Head in the coal hole sneezes, and the Sergeant shouts "God bless us!"

CONSTABLE
What's that?

MRS. COTTER
Oh, that's nothin'.

[Another sneeze and "God bless us!"

CONSTABLE
Well, if that nothin' isn't somethin', I'm dotin'.

[Opens door and Head and Sergeant fall out on the floor.

SERGEANT
'Tis all your fault with your blasted sneezin'.

HEAD
Now, maybe you'll believe that I've a cold.

SERGEANT Don't be botherin' me. I can't believe meself not to mind a liar like you.

HEAD (to the Constable, after he has got on his feet) Now, sir, what have you got to say for yourself? 'Twill be useless for you to deny that meself an' the Sergeant here (points to the Sergeant who is still on the floor) have caught you drinkin' on these licensed premises durin' your hours o' duty.

CONSTABLE An' what about me catchin' the pair o' ye hidin' in the coal hole o' the same licensed premises, an' a strong smell o' whiskey from ye?

HEAD
'Tis from yourself that, you smells the whiskey.

CONSTABLE (takes an onion from his pocket, peels it, and
eats it slowly)
I defy you or any one else to find the smell o' whiskey
from me.

HEAD (to the Sergeant)
Well, don't that beat Banagher?

SERGEANT
The Devil himself couldn't do better.

CONSTABLE Well, gentlemen, I'm sorry for troublin' ye, but duty is duty. I'll now place ye under arrest an' send for the Inspector.

HEAD (in a rage) No more o' this nonsense! You'll pay for this night's work, believe me.

CONSTABLE (smiling) I'll pay for a drink for both o' ye for the sake of old times, an' the less said about this night's work the better. (All remain silent for a short time) Well, are ye goin' to have the drink?

SERGEANT (to Head) We might as well take it, for 'tis the first time he ever offered to stand, an' it may be the last.

HEAD (after much consideration)
Very well, then, I'll have a drop o' the best.

SERGEANT
An' I'll have the same.

CONSTABLE
Three glasses o' "Wise's," Mrs. Cotter.

MRS. COTTER (from the bar)
Certainly, Constable.

[The Head and Sergeant remain silent, and the Constable paces up and down with his hands in his pockets, whistling some popular tune, until Mrs. Cotter brings in the drinks.

MRS. COTTER (as she places the drinks on the table)
I don't like to see ye in this cold kitchen, gentlemen.
Can't ye come up-stairs to the sitting-room?

CONSTABLE 'Tisn't worth our while, ma'am. We have our work to do. (Taking glass in hand) Slainthe!

[Drinks half the quantity of whiskey. The Head and Sergeant do likewise. A noise like the falling of furniture is heard from the room where Padna and Micus are.

HEAD (startled)
What's that?

[There is silence for a while, then Micus is heard singing.

MICUS
"We are the boys of Wexford
  Who fought with heart an' hand
To burst in twain the galling chain,
  An' free our native land."

HEAD (to Mrs. Cotter who has come from the bar)
I'll have the kay of that door, ma'am.

MRS. COTTER
What kay, Head?

HEAD The kay o' that door, ma'am. [Strikes door with his fist.

MRS. COTTER Erra, Head, what's the matter with ye? That door is nailed up this seven years. That singin' comes from the next house.

HEAD Glory be to God! Do any one alive tell the truth? (Catches hold of chair by the back) If you don't give me the kay, I'll burst open the door.

MRS. COTTER
I have no kay, Head.

HEAD (holding chair over his head)
Once more I demand the kay in the name of His
Majesty the King, before I puts the legs o' the chair
flyin' through the ledges.

MRS. COTTER (crying, hands key)
Oh, wisha, what'll I do at all?

HEAD (taking key)
You'll be told that later on, ma'am.

MRS. COTTER They are only two neighbors like y'erselves. Can't ye go away an' lave 'em alone?

HEAD (placing key) Not a word now, ma'am, for anythin' that you will say or won't say must be used in evidence ag'inst ye.

PADNA (singing)
"Who fears to speak of Ninety-eight?
  Who blushes at the name?
When cowards mock the patriots' fate,
  Who hangs his head for shame?
He's all a knave or half a slave,
  Who slights his country thus:
But true men, like you, men,
  Will drink your glass with us."

HEAD (to Mrs. Cotter) That's a nice song to be singin' on a licensed premises, ma'am. 'Twould cause a riot if there was enough o' people about. No less than raidin' the police barracks would satisfy the likes o' that songster if he was left at large. (Opens door. Padna and Micus stagger on to the floor. They fall but get on their feet again) What are ye doin' here?

PADNA
What the devil is that to you?

MICUS
Or to any one else either?

HEAD
Do ye know that this is a licensed premises?