FOR FORTY YEARS, AND I LIKE YOU BETTER THAN ANY FRIEND I POSSESS! INDEED, YOU'RE ABOUT THE ONLY FRIEND I'VE GOT LEFT!"

Little Dick (dreamily). "AH, BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT I'VE NEVER TOLD YOU THE TRUTH BACK AGAIN!"

THE FIRST ACT—AND THE LAST.

(A Departmental Tragi-Comedy, in active Rehearsal.)

ACT I.—The Scene represents the Interior of a Military Instruction Room. Black Boards, on which are displayed advanced Problems and Calculations in the Higher Mathematics, and various Scientific Charts cover the Walls. Models of mechanical contrivances and machinery used in the construction of complicated Small Arms approved by the Authorities, are scattered about in every direction. TOMMY ATKINS is discovered, giving his best attention to the conclusion of a very lengthy but rather abstruse explanatory Lecture.

Military Instructor (who has been for an hour and a half explaining the intricate mechanism of the new Magazine Rifle, finally approaching the end of his subject). Well, as I have fully explained before, but may state once more, so as to firmly impress it on your memory, you will bear in mind that the cylindrical portion will be shortened in front, the end of the rib being provided with tooth underneath, and stud on top, both studs on rib to have undercut grooves, a small keeper-screw, and bolt-head for cover, being added, while the cocking-stud is enlarged. Then do not forget that jammed cases or bullets are removed by two ramrods, screwed together by the locking-bolt being omitted. I needn't again go over the twenty-four different screws, but, in ease of accident, it will be well to retain their various outside thread diameters in your memory, specially not forgetting that those of the Butt Trap Spring, the Dial Sight Pivot, and the Striker Keeper Screw, stand respectively at .1696, .1656, and .116 of an inch. Of course you will remember the seven pins, and that, if anything should go wrong with the Bolt Head Cover Pin, as you will practically have to take the whole rifle to pieces, you should be thoroughly familiar with the 197 different component items, which, properly adjusted one with the other, make up the whole weapon. I think I need not refer again to the "sighting," seeing that the Lewes system is abolished, and that the weapon is now sighted up to 3,500 yards, "dead on," no matter what the wind may be. With this remark, I have much pleasure in placing the rifle in your hands (gives him one), at the same time advising you, if called upon to use it in the heat of action, to be prepared with the knowledge I have endeavoured to impart to you to-day, and, above all things, to keep your head cool. I don't think I have anything more to add, ATKINS. I have made myself pretty clear?

Tommy Atkins (with a grin). 'Ees, Sir!

Military Instructor. And there is nothing more you wish to ask me?

Tommy Atkins (still grinning). Noa, Sir!

Military Instructor. Ah! well then, good morning. I trust you will find it, what they assure me it is,—a most serviceable weapon.

Tommy Atkins (saluting). 'Ees, Sir!

[Exit, still grinning as Act-Drop descends.

ACT II.—The Scene represents a Field of Battle (after the fight) in the immediate neighbourhood of London. TOMMY ATKINS and the Military Instructor discovered lying badly wounded amidst a heap of the slain. A European War having broken out suddenly, from which the Country could not escape, and the Fleet at the last moment, finding that it had only half its proper supply of guns, and that the very few of these which did not burst at the first shot had ammunition provided for them that was two sizes too large, the Country is invaded, while a Committee of Experts is still trying to settle on a suitable cartridge for the new Magazine Rifle. The result is, that after a couple of pitched battles, though in an outburst of popular fury, Mr. STANHOPE is lynched by the Mob to a lamp-post in Parliament Street, London capitulates, and the French Commander-in-Chief, breakfasts, waited on by the LORD MAYOR, in the Bank of England.

Military Instructor (sitting up and rubbing his eyes). Dear me! we seem to have been beaten. That Rifle was no good, after all. (Recognising him.) Halloa, ATKINS!

Tommy Atkins (with a grin). 'Ees, Sir!

Military Instructor. You remember all I told you?

Tommy Atkins (still grinning). 'Ees, Sir!

Military Instructor. I'm afraid that wasn't such a serviceable weapon, after all!

Tommy Atkins (still grinning). Noa, Sir!

Military Instructor. Dear me! Well, we had better get out of this! By Jove! it looks like the last Act!

[Mutually assist each other to rise and quit the Battle-field, the Military Instructor threatening to write to the "Times," and TOMMY ATKINS still grinning as Curtain falls.

Sylvanus. "FOXES ARE SCARCE IN MY COUNTRY; BUT WE MANAGE IT WITH A DRAG NOW AND THEN!"

Urbanus. "OH—ER—YES. BUT HOW DO YOU GET IT OVER THE FENCES?"

UNDER A CIVIL COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.

["What possible chance would Col. X., Member for ——, feel that he had of fair play if he walked into the Opposition side in a Division?"—Evening Paper.]

SCENE—A Battle-field. Colonel X. discovered apparently dying in the hour of victory.

Faithful Aide-de-Camp. The enemy run, Sir! We have beaten them off on every side!

Colonel (faintly). That is well! (with a sigh) and yet my heart is heavy within me! Believe me, SMITH, I cannot die easily.

F.A.-de-C. And yet the vacancy thus created would be found a stimulus to promotion! Have you thought of that, Sir?

Col. X. I have not forgotten it, SMITH, and as a politician the idea is comforting. Ah, SMITH, would that I had always done my duty in the House of Commons! But no, with a view to obtaining this command, I voted against my convictions! I supported the Government in their proposal to tax perambulators! It was cruel, unmanly so to do, but I was weak and foolish! And now I cannot die easily! Would that I could live to repair the past.

Opposition Whip (suddenly springing up from behind a limber à la HAWKSHAW the Detective). It is not too late! Return with me to Westminster forthwith. The Third Reading is down for to-night! With a special train we shall be in time! You can yet record your vote!

Col. X. (suddenly reviving). Say you so? Then I will recover! I will do my duty!

[Exit, to vote against his Party, and to be put permanently on the shelf, from a military point of view!

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

SIR EDWIN ARNOLD's paper on Japan, in Scribner, for March, is interesting and also amusing. The Japanese seemed to be a charming people; and the Japanese women delightful as wives; but then they can be divorced for being talkative.

A propos of Japan, to judge from one of our LIKA JOKO's capital illustrations of Hospital Nursing in The English Illustrated Magazine, the Matron's room must be "an illigant place, intoirely"; while as for amusement, if the picture of a nurse giving a patient a cup of ink by mistake