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قراءة كتاب Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 101, August 22, 1891
تنويه: تعرض هنا نبذة من اول ١٠ صفحات فقط من الكتاب الالكتروني، لقراءة الكتاب كاملا اضغط على الزر “اشتر الآن"
Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 101, August 22, 1891
Guide takes possession of CULCHARD once more, who submits, under the impression that Miss TROTTER is a fellow-sufferer.
Guide (concluding a vivid account of the fight at Houguymont). Bot ven zey com qvite nearer, zey vind ze rade line no ze Inglis soldiers—nossing bot a breek vall, viz ze moskets—'Prown Pesses,' you coal dem—shdeekin out of ze 'oles! Ze 'oles schdill dere. Dat vas Houguymont, in the orshairde. Now you com viz me and see ze lion. Ze dail, two piece; ze bodi, von piece; ze ball, von piece. I sank you, Sare. 'Ope you com again soon.
[CULCHARD discovers that the TROTTERS and PODBURY have gone down some time ago. At the foot of the steps he finds his friend waiting for him, alone.
Culch. (with stiff politeness). Sorry you considered it necessary to stay behind on my account. I see your American friends have already started for the station.
Podbury (gloomily). There were only two seats on that coach, and they wouldn't wait for the next. I don't know why, unless it was that they saw you coming down the steps. She can't stand you at any price.
Culch. (with some heat). Just as likely she had had enough of your buffoonery!
Podb. (with provoking good humour). Come, old chap, don't get your shirt out with me. Not my fault if she's found out you think yourself too big a swell for her, is it?
Culch. (hotly). When did I say so—or think so? It's what you've told her about me, and I must say I call it—
Podb. Don't talk bosh! Who said she was forward and bad form and all the rest of it in the courtyard that first evening? She was close by, and heard every word of it, I shouldn't wonder.
Culch. (colouring). It's not of vital importance if she did. (Whistling.) Few-fee-fee-foo-foodle-di-fee-di-fa-foo.
Podb. Not a bit—to her. Better step out if we mean to catch that train. (Humming.) La-di-loodle-lumpty-leedle-um-ti-loo!
[They step out, PODBURY humming pleasantly and CULCHARD whistling viciously, without further conversation, until they arrive at Braine l'Alleud Station—and discover that they have just missed their train.
THE TWO EMPERORS; OR, THE CHRISTIAN CZAR AND THE HEATHEN CHINEE.
TWO EMPERORS;
Or, the Christian Czar and The Heathen Chinee.
[A decree issued by the Emperor of CHINA (in connection with the recent anti-foreign agitation in that country) points out that the relations between the Chinese and the foreign missionaries have been those of peace and goodwill, and that the Christians are protected by treaty and by Imperial edicts, and commands the Governors and Lieutenant-Governors to protect the Christians and put down the leaders in the riots.]
Many writers remark,—
And their language is plain,
That for cruelty dark,
And for jealousy vain,
The Heathen Chinee is peculiar,—
In future perhaps they'll refrain.
AH-SIN has his faults,
Which one cannot deny;
And some recent assaults
On the mis-sion-a-ry,
Have been worthy of—say Christian Russia,
When dealing with small Hebrew fry.
But the EMPEROR seems stirred
Persecution to bar,
Which it might be inferred
That I mean the White CZAR;
But I don't. On the Muscovite CÆSAR
Such charity clearly would jar.
He's always the same,
And he'll not stay his hand;
The poor Jews are fair game
In a great "Christian" Land;
But the Lord of the Pencil Vermilion
Rebukes his fanatical band.
A Heathen—of course!—
(Whilst the CZAR is a Saint)
But a sign of remorse
At the Christian's complaint
May be seen in the edict he's issued,
Which might make a great Autocrat faint.
A Christian, 'tis true,
To a Heathen Chinee
Is as bad as a Jew
Must undoubtedly be
To an orthodox Christian of Russdom,
Too "pious" for mere Char-i-tee.
So one Emperor stones
His poor Israelites,
Whilst the other one owns
Even Christians have "rights,"
And, although they're (of course) "foreign devils,"
Their peace with good-will he requites.
Which is why, I maintain
(And my language is free)
That the CZAR, though he's vain
Of his Or-tho-dox-y,
Might learn from his Emperor cousin,
Though he's only a Heathen Chinee!
NEWS OF "OUR HENRY" (communicated by Mr. J.L. T-LE).—To our interviewer the eminent actor replied, "Yes, suffering from bad sore throat, but may talk, as it's hoarse exercise which has been recommended. A stirrup-cup at parting? By all means. My cob is an excellent trotter, so I pledge you, with a bumper well-in-hand. Good-day!" And so saying, he gaily waved his plumed hat, and rode away.
"RATHER A LARGE ORDER."—"The Order of the Elephant" conferred on President CARNOT by the King of Denmark. This should include an Order for the Grand Trunk, in which to carry it about. The proper person to receive this Order is evidently the Grand Duke of Tusk-any.
CONFIDENCES OF A MATURE SIREN.
"I ADMIT I'M NOT AS HANDSOME AS I USED TO BE; BUT I'M TWICE AS DANGEROUS!"
THE UNHYGIENIC HOUSEHOLDER.
After reading the Reports of the Congress.
Tell me not in many a column,
I must pull up all my drains;
Or with faces long and solemn,
Threaten me with aches and pains.
Let me end this wintry summer,
'Mid the rain as best I may,
Without calling in the plumber,
For he always comes to stay.
I appreciate the Prince's
Shrewd remarks about our lot;
But the horror he evinces
At our dangers, frights me not.
Science in expostulation,
Shows our rules of health are wrong;
But in days when sanitation
Was unknown, men lived as long.
If the air with microbes thickens,
Like some mirk malefic mist,
Tell me prithee how the dickens
We can manage to exist.
From the poison