PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 101.

December 26, 1891.

A QUEER CHRISTMAS PARTY.

I remember coming home and dressing to go out again. Of this so far I am sure. I remember too taking a cab; also the cab taking me. But oddly enough though I dined that evening with a very old friend, somehow I cannot for the life of me, at this moment, call to mind his name or remember where he lives.

However, the evening was so remarkable that I at once sat down next day to record all that I could remember of this strange Christmas Party. Round the table were ROBERT ELSMERE, DORIAN GRAY, Sir ALAN QUATERMAIN, the MASTER of BALLANTREE, and other distinguished persons, including Princess NAPRAXINE,—a charming woman, who looked remarkably well in her white velvet with a knot of old lace at her throat and a tea-rose in her hair. Mrs. HAWKSBEE, too, looked smart in black satin, but in my opinion she was cut out by little DAISY MILLER, a sprightly young lady from America. My host (I wish I could remember his name) carried his love of celebrities so far, that even his servants were persons of considerable notoriety. His head butler, a man named MULVANEY, was an old soldier, who, with the two footmen (formerly his companions-in-arms) had been known in India by the name of "Soldiers Three."

"It was so good of you to come, although your husband had Russian influenza," remarked our host to ANNA KARENINA, who was seated on his left.

"My dear friend," she replied, "I was only too delighted; for really my husband cracks his finger-joints so much more lately, and it makes me so nervous, that I often think, if it were not that Mr. WRONGSKY sometimes calls on my day at home, I am sure I should be bored to death!"

"Ah! I know what that is!" said HEDDA GABLER, nodding sympathetically. "My husband, when he heard I wanted to come to-day, said 'Fancy that!' and I really felt I could have thrown something at him. They are so irritating," she added, with a glance at THÉRÈSE RAQUIN who was sitting very silent at the other end of the table softly caressing a fruit-knife.

"Ah!" sighed DORIAN GRAY, as he dipped his white taper fingers in a red copper bowl of rose-water. "I have had an exquisite life. I have drunk deeply of everything. I have crushed the grapes against my palate. And it has all been to me no more than the sound of music. It has not marred me. I am still the same. More so, if anything."

"I think we ought to understand one another, perhaps, Mr. GRAY," said ROBERT ELSMERE, with a quick sense of oppression. "I know your opinions of course from your books. You know what mine as an honest man must be. My conscience forbids me to discuss anything."

"My dear ELSMERE," returned DORIAN, "don't deceive yourself. Life is not governed by Will or Intention. Life has been my Art. I have set myself to music. My days have been my sonnets, and it has not hurt me. I am as good-looking as ever." And with his cool, flower-like hands, and his charming boyish smile, he lit a gold-tipped cigarette, offering one to Princess NAPRAXINE.

She refused it, but produced a cigar-case, embroidered with the arms of the NAPRAXINES, from which she took a very large cigar.

"I should like to take that fellow out on the river with me," muttered one of the boating trio to his friends.

"And drown him," said another.

"Or set MONTMORENCY at him," said the third.

These Three Men, who, on their arrival, had been rather bashful, had become, during the process of demolishing the Christmas pudding with fire-brandy sauce, to which they helped themselves plentifully, the most cheerful of all the company. They talked and laughed loudly, alluded to Mr. ELSMERE as "Old Square-toes"; and made no more disguise of the evident admiration with which Mrs. HAWKSBEE had inspired them, than they did of the violent dislike they had conceived for Mr. GRAY.

They were growing less and less able to control their actions, and I was not sorry when the time arrived for the ladies to retire, which they did rather earlier than they had intended doing, owing to a sudden display of ill-temper on the part of DIANA of the Crossways. They all withdrew, with the exception of the Princess, who, alleging that it was a Russian custom, remained with us, smoking, and drinking kümmel out of a Samovar. Immediately upon the departure of the ladies, ROBERT ELSMERE resumed his argument.

"I have not," he said, in a low tone, "rooted up the most sacred growths of life as a careless child devastates his garden."

"I have never yet heard of a DURRISDEER who was a turn-coat or a spy," remarked the MASTER of BALLANTREE, casually.

"Ah! but that is another story," objected Colonel GADSBY, stroking his long moustache.

"I can believe anything," said DORIAN GRAY, "as long as it is quite incredible."

"Oh! Then you'd believe that story old BATT, the fisherman, told us about the pike at Goring!" said one of the trio, with a contemptuous laugh.

And here we come to the unfortunate incident which broke up our party. I shall always blame the Princess for this. If she had gone to the drawing-room with the other ladies, it would never have happened. It appears that she considered herself insulted by a remark of DORIAN's, which I thought innocent enough. I think it was, that "All Art is quite useless."

Why she should have taken this so personally—whether she thought he was alluding to her Narcissus-like complexion, or her wealth of luminous hair—I cannot say. At any rate—though I would not have it even whispered to poor little JIM, who, being far from well, had been quite unable to leave his sofa,—I say, at any rate, I, for one, felt convinced that the Princess had taken quite as much kümmel as was good for her, otherwise, how could any one, except my old friend ALICE DE VONDERLAND account for her urging the Three Men, already far gone, to go still farther, and to "Protect her honour," as she termed it, "by wiping out the insult offered to the NAPRAXINES!"

The Three Men took the suggestion literally. A wild scene ensued. Shouting wildly, "We'll spoil your beauty for you!" one tore the flower out of DORIAN's coat, another threw the red copper bowl of rose-water at his head, a third, with the uncommonly vulgar exclamation, "Art be blowed! we'll show you some science!" struck the unfortunate man a violent blow on the nose with his clenched fist.

How the scene might have ended but for the sudden intervention of MULVANEY and his companions, I cannot say. In the strangest dialect, and with the most uncouth oaths, they literally "went for" the Three Boating Men. The aquatic champions were completely demolished by the Soldiers Three.

In the words of the butler, "Their shirt-fronts were crumpled 'orrid." The three youths, in a pitiable state, left the house with the Princess, and went off all together in a droschki, the driver of which wore a badge on which was inscribed, "JOSEF HATTONSKI. By Order of the CZAR." DORIAN had already escaped, bearing on his handsome countenance the impress of fists and the stains of flattened mince-pies.

For my own part ... I don't know how I managed to get away. I suppose I must have been rendered insensible by a candlestick which was thrown at me. At all events, I found myself on the floor, having tumbled out of bed ... But how I had ever got to bed I do not remember. It may be I shall never discover the truth of it all. Stay!—had I been hypnotised? If so, when, where, and by whom?

AN ANTI-HISS-TRIONIC BIRD.

A "PAR" in the Daily News last Thursday told how the