PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Roderigo. Thou told'st me thou did'st hold him in thy hate.

Iago. Despise me, if I did not. The great ones of the City,

In personal suit to make me his Lieutenant,

Off-capped to him:—and, by the faith of man,

I know my price—I am worth no worse a place;

But he, as loving his own pride and purposes,

Evades them with a bombast circumstance,

Horribly stuffed with epithets of war;

And, in conclusion,

Nonsuits my meditators; for, "Certes," says he,

"I have already chose my officer." And who was he?

Forsooth, a great Arithmetician.

That never set a squadron in the field,

Nor the division of a battle knows

More than a spinster; unless the bookish theorick,

Wherein the toged Consul can propose

As masterly as he; mere prattle, without practice,

Is all his soldiership.

But, Sir, he had the Election!

Algy. Waiter! bring me a brandy-and-soda. Don't feel up to the average to-day.

Hughie. Late last night?

Algy. Yes. Went to Mrs. CRAMMERLY's Dance, Prince's Gate. Goodness knows why I went! I don't think they'll get me there again in a hurry.

Charlie (waking up from arm-chair). Were you a victim too? I didn't see you there!

Algy. No. Because I probably left before you arrived. I had had enough of it in an hour, and came on here to supper; not before I had nearly poisoned myself with a concoction that old CRAMMERLY was asserting loudly, was an "'80 wine."

Charlie (laughing). Ah! my dear friend, I had been there before, and knew the ropes. Took pretty good care to steer clear of the wine, and got a chap to give me a whiskey-and-soda.

Uninvited Member. May I ask where was this charming Party?

Algy. At the CRAMMERLY's, Prince's Gate. Colonel CRAMMERLY.

Uninvited M. Colonel CRAMMERLY! Let's see, was he an old Crimea man?

Algy. No!—He was Colonel in the Bounders Green Volunteers. (Roars of laughter.) You know "CRAMMERLY's Starch"—made a fortune out of it.

Charlie. He must have spent a bit of it last night. They say the flowers alone cost over a thousand pounds.

Captain O. Talking about the Colonel CRAMMERLY Party, eh? (To Uninvited M.) Were you there?

Uninvited M. (very satirically). Oh, dear no! I fear I'm not smart enough to warrant my admittance into that charmed and select circle. [Roars of laughter.

Capt. O. By Jove, you were well out of it. (Addressing the Club generally.) Did—you ever see such—eh?

Charlie. I want to know where the deuce they get their men from.

Algy. I fancy they discover them in the City.

Jack. I never met—such shocking people before.

Capt. O. Too dreadful for words. I could only conclude they must have been relations. [Roars of laughter.

Jack. By the way, did you notice that there was a "bounder" who was reversing?

Uninvited M. (with great indignation). No!!!

Jack. I tell you it's a positive fact—I know it to my cost; for I was dancing with that youngest daughter, you know—the one who has the fluffy fringe over her forehead—and the brute bounced against us, and sent us flying. Never even apologised. If I could have got him outside, I declare I would have given him a deuced good hiding. A man like that ought to be kicked.

Uninvited M. Were the women any better?

Algy. Well, if you call Mrs. DASH any better!

Uninvited M. (with tragic intensity). You don't mean to say she was there!

Algy. I do.

Uninvited M. But do you mean to say that Mrs. CRAMMERLY has heard—

Jack. No. She's deaf. [Laughter.

Uninvited M. Well, you do surprise me! (After a long pause.) Any other shining lights of London Society?

Jack. No—except that fearful Mrs. JUSSOPH and her daughters, who honoured me with an invitation to their afternoon party at their suburban residence at West Kensington. I don't know whether you regard them as an illumination. [Roars of laughter.

Uninvited M. (triumphantly.) Good gracious! Then there was positively no one there that one knows.

Algy (thinking he has said something original). No one, that one wants to know.

Uninvited M. I suppose the whole thing was done for an advertisement—?

Algy. Possibly. Anyhow, once bitten, twice shy. They won't get me inside their stuccoed palace again.

Chorus of Those who were at the Party. Same here! [Pause.

Capt. O. (lighting cigar by candle). By the way, JACK, did old CRAM. ask you to Scotland for the 12th?

Jack. Yes.

Capt. O. So he did me. Shall you go?

Jack. It depends—I think so—if I don't get anything better. I'm told it's a wonderful shoot. They pulled down over a thousand birds the first day, last year.

Capt. O. Does old CRAMMERLY shoot?

Jack. Oh dear no! He's as blind as a bat. He only rents it for his friends.

Capt. O. (greatly relieved). That's good news, for he's a terrible bore. He'd be a shocking nuisance on the Moors. I must say, I can't stand him at any price.

Jack. No, nor any of the family, for the matter of that. Well, ta, ta! Perhaps we shall meet there. I'm off to the Empire, to join some friends who've got a box.