PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 152.

May 16, 1917.

CHARIVARIA.

Several factories where counterfeit bread tickets were printed have been discovered in Berlin. We understand that the defence will be that the tickets were only intended to be exchanged for counterfeit bread.

"The enemies' desire," says King Ludwig of Bavaria, "will he dashed to pieces against our troops, who are accustomed to victory." A number of the victors who are now eating themselves in behind our positions profess to be absolutely nauseated with it.

Five million four hundred thousand pigs, says Herr Batocki, have "mysteriously disappeared" in Germany in the last year. The idea of having the Crown Prince's baggage searched does not seem to have been found feasible.

A festival performance of Parsifal is to be given in Charlottenburg, to celebrate the anniversary of the Battle of Jutland. The proposal to substitute the more topical opera, The Flying Deutschmann, has been received without favour.

"With such troops," says the Crown Prince, "we could fetch the Devil from Hell." We have always maintained that the German military route lay on a direct line to Potsdam.

A Manchester man writes to say that he has not heard the cuckoo this year. What England hears to-day Manchester may hear next month.

A Norfolk lady has left an annuity of seventy pounds for the support of her two favourite cats. Since the announcement of this windfall we understand that the beneficiaries have been overwhelmed with offers of marriage.

"The bascules of the Tower Bridge were lifted 3,354 times last year," says a news item. Yet there are those who pretend that petty crime is on the decrease.

Arundel proposes to have a house-to-house collection of bones. The Borough Engineer is understood to be completing specifications for a dog-proof trouser which will be a part of the collector's uniform.

The Islington Borough Council report that in the Lady Day quarter only ten per cent, of the residents had removed without paying their rates. The inhabitants of the New Cut now accuse Islington residents of losing their nerve.

"Ipswich," says a daily paper, "is fighting a rat plague by putting a penny on the head of every rat captured in the borough." The arrangement with birds is of course different, You put salt on their tails and capture them afterwards.

The new restrictions on the use of starch will, says Captain Bathurst, affect the wearing of starched garments. It is expected that in the House of Lords Lord Spenser and Lord Harcourt will join in an impassioned plea that, until the shortage grows more acute, really well-dressed men should be allowed to compromise on stiff dickeys.

Owing to the surveyor receiving increased powers the work of conscientious objectors on the roads in East Essex has improved. Mr. Outhwaite, we hear, will ask in Parliament whether under these powers the surveyor has actually threatened to give one conscientious objector a good hard slap.

We understand that Mexico has promised to stand by America on condition that if she takes this step on the side of law and order America will raise no objection to her having a revolution now and then just to keep her hand in.

Allotment-holders in all parts of the country say that their gardens need rain very badly, and The Daily Mail is going to take the matter up.

It was stated by a defendant at Wandsworth County Court that his house was haunted, the bell being rung several times without any visible human instrumentality. The "Hidden Hand" again!

To enjoy good health, says Dr. A. Fisher in an American journal, we should occasionally sleep for twelve hours on end. We confess that we may be faddy in these things, but when sleeping we prefer the horizontal position.

"One hundred thousand tons of sugar is wasted each year," says Mrs. Peel, "through being left in the bottom of the teacup." A correspondent points out that if that amount has ever been left in the bottom of his teacup it was an oversight.

The German people, says the Kölnische Zeitung, will not soon forget what they owe to their future Emperor. The Crown Prince, while thanking them for their kindly intention, privately expressed a wish that they would not keep rubbing it in.

According to The Express, every British theatrical star who plays in America is regarded as the best that England has ever sent out. Until he has heard from Mr. Charles Chaplin, Sir Herbert Tree is holding back his message, which reads, "That is so."

A workman at a brewery last week fell into a large vat of beer. It is given to few men thus to realise the dream of a lifetime.

All vendors of comic postcards at Llanfairfeehan, North Wales, are to be asked by the Town Council to cover them up on Sundays. We understand that comic postcards may be differentiated from others by the word "Comic" plainly printed on the card.

The Daily Mail has just celebrated its twenty-first birthday, and the silence of the Poet Laureate on the matter is being adversely commented upon.

The Anarchist, Lenin, says the Swedish Dagblad, has been missing for two days. Even before that he never really seemed to make a hit.

THE BRIBE.

"Who goes there?"   "K—kamerad—mit souvenirs."

HEREINAFTERS.

I.

There are people in the world called tenants. I think nothing of them; Celia thinks nothing of them; jointly we do not think anything of them. However, as this is not so much a grammar as an explanation, I will get on with it.

For the last two years we have been letting our flat. Naturally Celia has had to do most of the work; my military duties have prevented me from taking my share of it. I have been so busy, off and on, inspecting my fellow-soldiers' feet, seeing their boots mended and imploring them to get their hair cut that I have had no time for purely domestic matters. Celia has let the flat; I have merely allotted the praise or blame afterwards. I have also, of course, taken the money.

Our tenants have varied, but they are all alike in this. They think much more of their own comfort as tenants than of our happiness as landlords. They are always wanting things done for them. When they want things done for them, then I am firm. Celia may be a shade the more businesslike of the two, but I am the firmer. I am adamant.

Take the case of Mr. Toots. As the wife of an officer proceeding overseas, Celia let the flat to Mr. Toots at the nominal rental of practically nothing a week. I said it was too little when I heard of it, but it was then too late—Celia had already