PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 152.

June 13, 1917.

CHARIVARIA.

Count Tisza has declared his intention of going to the Front for the duration of the War. He denies, however, that he caught the idea from Mr. Winston Churchill.

The Germans announced that Chérisy was impregnable. In view of the fact that the place has since been captured by the British it is felt that Sir Douglas Haig could not have read the German announcement.

Owners of babies are asked to hang out flags from their houses during the forthcoming Baby Week at Croydon. Parents who have only a little Bunting should hang that out instead.

A parrot owned by a lady at Ipswich is said to make "poll scratchers" for herself out of small pieces of soft wood. In justice to the bird it must be stated that she has frequently expressed a desire to be allowed to do war-work, but has been discouraged.

A Battersea fitter has been committed for trial for breaking into a Kingston jeweller's and stealing goods worth £2,350. There is really no excuse for this sort of thing, as the public have been repeatedly asked by the Government not to go in for expensive jewellery.

An Eastbourne coal merchant told the tribunal that a substitute sent to him was "too dirty to cart coals." The department has apologised for the mistake and explained that it was thought the man was required to deliver milk.

According to the Berliner Tageblatt, twenty-nine houses in Oberreuth have been burned down and a villager aged ninety-seven years has been arrested. The veteran, it appears, puts down his sudden crime to the baneful influence of the cinema.

One of the latest Army Orders permits the wearing of leather buttons in place of brass. Our readers should not be too ready to assume that this will have any effect on the existing meat-pie shortage.

Recently published statistics of the Zoological Gardens show a marked decrease of mortality among the inmates since they were placed on rations. A nasty rumour is also laid to rest by the declaration that the notices which deal with "Enquiries for Lost Children" and are prominently displayed in the Gardens were actually in vogue before the rationing system was introduced.

Paper is one of the principal foods of "Chips," the pet goat of Summer-down Camp. In view of the increasing value of this commodity an attempt is to be made to encourage the animal to accept caviare instead.

"Quite good results in the sterilisation of polluted drinking water," says The British Medical Journal, "have been obtained by the use of sulphondichloraminobenzoic." It appears that you just mention this name to the germs (stopping for lunch in the middle) and the little beggars are scared to death.

In a recent message to General Ludendorff, the Kaiser refers to the German defence as being "mainly in your hands." And only last April they were professing to find it in Hindenburg's feet.

It is not yet compulsory under the new Order, but as a precaution it is advisable for the owner of a cheese to have his full name and address written on the collar.

The gentleman who advertised last week in a contemporary the loss of two pet dogs will be greatly interested in a little book just published, entitled How to Keep Dogs.

"It is the most extraordinary case I ever heard of," said the Chairman of the Middlesex Appeal Tribunal, in the case of a one-eyed man passed for general service. The case is not unique, however, for a one-eyed man named Nelson is recorded as having seen some general service in the early part of the nineteenth century.

Brazil has entered the War and Germany is now able to shoot in almost any direction without any appreciable risk of hitting a friend.

A five-months-old boy having been called up at Hull, the mother took the baby to the recruiting office, where we are told the military were satisfied that a mistake had been made.

The author of an article in The Daily Mail stated recently that nine readers of that paper had sent him poems. This of course is only to be expected of a newspaper which advocates reprisals.

According to the Vossische Zeitung washing soap is unobtainable in Berlin. Even eating soap, it is rumoured, can be obtained only at prohibitive prices.

Before the Law Society Tribunal, Mr. Jacob Epstein, the sculptor, was stated to have passed the medical test. On the other hand Mr. Epstein's Venus is still regarded as medically unfit.

A Devon lady who has just celebrated her one hundredth birthday declares that to drink plenty of water daily is the secret of good health. This is a great triumph for the milk trade.

Curate (to old parishioner troubled with insomnia). "HAVE YOU TRIED COUNTING SHEEP JUMPING OVER A STILE?"

Old Lady. "AH, THAT'S WORSE THAN USELESS, SIR. IT SETS ME WORRYIN' ABOUT THEM BUTCHERS WITH THEIR ONE-AND-TEN-PENCE A POUND FOR MUTTON."

THE BEST GAME THE FAIRIES PLAY.

"Home wanted for tabby Persian Cat, 3 years old (neutral)."—Scotch Paper.

Why doesn't it join the Allies?

A SHORT WAY WITH SUBMARINES.

"A short way with submarines?" said Bill; "oh, yes, we've got one all right; but," he added regretfully, "I don't know as I'm at liberty to tell you. Wot I'm thinkin' about is this 'ere Defence o' the Realm Act—see? Why, there was a feller I knew got ten days' cells for just tellin' a young woman where 'er sweet'eart's ship was."

It was the last day of Bill's "leaf," of which he had spent the greater part warding off the attacks of old acquaintances bent upon finding out something interesting about the Navy. Of course during his absence Bill had written home regularly, but his letters had been models of discretion and confined to matters of the strictest personal interest. Since his return quite a number of temporary coldnesses had arisen as a result of his obstinate reticence, and the retired station-master, after several attacks both in front and flank had ignominiously failed, flew into a