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An’ all day long he leaned an’ bent
Till all expected he would have went
An’ pitched right over. They roped the street
To keep the crowd away from his feet.
I tell yer he was a sight; my soul!
Twicet as high as a telegraft pole,
Wavin’ his arms an’ slumpin’ his feet
An’ a-starin’ away down Market street.

Then, what did I tell yer—that blame old head
Their mother had made a-seprit, instead,—
It fell right off an’ squashed a horse!
(’T was so soft, it didn’t kill him, o’ course.)
When his hands got so they touched the ground
A hundred policemen they come around;
They stuck a cable-car to his feet,
An’ one to his head, a goin’ up street,
An’ then they pulled him opposite ways,
An’ they pulled him for days ’n’ days ’n’ days,
An’ they drored him out so slim an’ small
That he reached a mile ’n’ a half, in all.

An’ that was the end o’ the CHEWIN’-GUM MAN
For Willie, an’ Wallie, an’ Huldy Ann.
They come along with an ax next day,
An’ chopped him up, and guv him away.

My Feet they haul me ’round the House;
They hoist me up the Stairs;

I only have to steer them and
They ride me everywheres.

I’d never dare to walk across
A Bridge I could not see,

For quite afraid of falling off
I fear that I should be!

ADULT’S DEPARTMENT:

H, WILLIE and Wallie and Pinkie Jane!
They run away with a Railroad Train!
’T was Wallie got up the ridiculous plan,—
’T was most as good as the Chewin’-Gum Man!
Wallie is terribul funny—My!
He can make up a face that would make you die,
An’ when Pinkie Jane come down to the city
He tried to show off, for she’s awful pretty.
So they all went over across the Bay,
To have a picnic, and spend the day.
At Sixteenth Street they got off the cars
A-grinnin’ an’ giggling so,—My Stars!
A Enormus Crowd begun to collect,
But nobuddy knew just what to expect.
Then up the track come a little spot,
An’ nearer and nearer and NEARER it got,
And Willie and Wallie and Pinkie Jane
Stood right in the road of the Overland Train!!!
The folks on the platform begun to yell,
“Look out!—get off!!” an’ the engine bell

THE RUNAWAY TRAIN:

Was ringin’ like mad,—but them children stood
As calm as if they was made of wood!
And a great big fat man yelled,—“Oh Golly!
For Heaven’s sakes, just look at Wallie!”
As the train came thunderin’ down the rail,
The wimmin all turned terribul pale.
But Wallie he stood there, stiff ’s a soldier,
An’ then (you remember what I told yer)
He made up a horribul face,—and whack!
He scared the engine right off’n the track!
An’ the train jumped forreds an’ squirmed around,
A-wrigglin’ an’ jigglin’ over the ground;
And all the people they had to git,
For the blame old engine it had a fit!
But when the train got onto the track,
Them children they clum right onto its back,
And they tickled it so that all to once
It gave ’em a lot of shivers an’ grunts,
And it humped itself way up in the air,
And p’raps it didn’t give them a scare!

AN IMPOSSIBLE EPIC:

Then it puffed an’ puffed, a-faster an’ faster,
While Wallie sat there like an old school-master,
A-drivin’ that train till, I tell you what!
You no idea what a nerve he’s got!
Willie he held on to Wallie, an’ Jane
Held onto Willie with might and main.
Then they hitched along, like an old inch-worm,
With now a spazzum, and then a squirm;
But Willie and Wallie and Pinkie Jane,
They soon got sick o’ that Railroad train!
But when they crawled to the last end car
To jump on the ground, where it wasn’t far,
They got a heap worse off, instead,
For that nasty train, it stood on its head!
An’ they all yelled, “Telegraft Huldy Ann,
And make her come as quick as she can.
We can’t get off. Oh, hurry up, please!
What would we do if the thing should sneeze?”

SEQUEL TO THE
CHEWING-GUM MAN

I tell yer them children was in a fix
While that mad engine was doin’ his tricks.
But the messenger-boy found Huldy Ann,
An’ she said, “I’m glad that I ain’t a man!
I’ll show ’em how!” an’ she crossed the Bay,
An’ she see in a wink where the trouble lay.
An’ she said, “You go, an’ you telegraft back
For a load o’ candy to block the track!”
An’ when they sent it, she piled it high
With chocolate caramels, good ones,—My!
Peppermint drops and cocoanut cream,
Till it looked too good for a Christmas dream!
And the sun it melted and finished the job
Into one great elegant sticky gob!
So the train run into it lickety-split,
An’ the cow-catcher stuck, when the engine hit,—
An’ the tail o’ the train flew up and threw
Them children into that caramel goo!
They fell clear in,—way over their head,
But Ann eat ’em out, an’ sent ’em to bed!

There is a Theory some deny,
That Lamp Posts once were three foot high,