draught—

Flo Good gracious! what a number of draughts. You have almost a game of draughts.

Dun Ha! ha! ha!

Flo What's the matter?

Dun That wath a joke, that wath.

Flo Where's the joke? [Dundreary screams and turns to Mrs. M.]

Mrs M No.

Dun She don't see it. Don't you see—a game of drafts—pieces of wound wood on square pieces of leather. That's the idea. Now, I want to put your brains to the test. I want to ask you a whime.

Flo A whime, what's that?

Dun A whime is a widdle, you know.

Flo A widdle!

Dun Yeth; one of those things, like—why is so and so or somebody like somebody else.

Flo Oh, I see, you mean a conundrum.

Dun Yeth, a drum, that's the idea. What is it gives a cold in the head, cures a cold, pays the doctor's bill and makes the home-guard look for substitutes? [Florence repeats it.] Yeth, do you give it up?

Flo Yes.

Dun Well, I'll tell you—a draught. Now I've got a better one that that: When is a dog's tail not a dog's tail? [Florence repeats. During this Florence, Mrs. M. and Dundreary are down stage.]

Flo Yes, and willingly.

Dun When it's a cart. [They look at him enquiringly.]

Flo Why, what in earth has a dog's tail to do with a cart?

Dun When it moves about, you know. A horse makes a cart move, so does a dog make his tail move.

Flo Oh, I see what you mean—when it's a wagon. [Wags the letter in her hand.]

Dun Well, a wagon and a cart are the same thing, ain't they! That's the idea—it's the same thing.

Flo They are not the same. In the case of your conundrum there's a very great difference.

Dun Now I've got another. Why does a dog waggle his tail?

Flo Upon my word, I never inquired.

Dun Because the tail can't waggle the dog. Ha! Ha!

Flo Ha! ha! Is that your own, Dundreary?

Dun Now I've got one, and this one is original.

Flo No, no, don't spoil the last one.

Dun Yeth; but this is extremely interesting.

Mrs M Do you think so, Lord Dundreary?

Dun Yeth. Miss Georgina likes me to tell her my jokes. Bye-the-bye, talking of that lonely sufferer, isn't she an interesting invalid? They do say that's what's the matter with me. I'm an interesting invalid.

Flo Oh, that accounts for what I have heard so many young ladies say—Florence, dear, don't you think Lord Dundreary's extremely interesting? I never knew what they meant before.

Dun Yeth, the doctor recommends me to drink donkey's milk.

Flo [Hiding laugh.] Oh, what a clever man he must be. He knows we generally thrive best on our native food. [Goes up.]

Dun [Looking first at Florence and then at Mrs M.] I'm so weak, and that is so strong. Yes, I'm naturally very weak, and I want strengthening. Yes, I guess I'll try it.

Enter Augusta. Bus. with Dundreary, who finally exits and brings on Georgina, L. 1 E.

Dun Look at this lonely sufferer. [Bringing on Georgina, seats her on sofa, L.] There, repothe yourself.

Geo [Fanning herself] Thank you, my lord. Everybody is kind to me, and I am so delicate.

Aug [At table.] Capt. De Boots, do help to unravel these wools for me, you have such an eye for color.

Flo An eye for color! Yes, especially green.

Dun [Screams.] Ha! ha! ha!

All What's the matter?

Dun Why, that wath a joke, that wath.

Flo Where was the joke?

Dun Especially, ha! ha!

Sir E Florence, dear, I must leave you to represent me to my guests. These letters will give me a great deal of business to-day.

Flo Well, papa, remember I am your little clerk and person of all work.

Sir E No, no; this is private business—money matters, my love, which women know nothing about. [Aside.] Luckily for them, I expect Mr. Coyle to-day.

Flo Dear papa, how I wish you would get another agent.

Sir E Nonsense, Florence, impossible. He knows my affairs. His father was agent for the late Baronet. He's one of the family, almost.

Flo Papa, I have implicit faith in my own judgement of faces. Depend upon it, that man is not to be trusted.

Sir E Florence, you are ridiculous. I could not get on a week without him. [Aside.] Curse him, I wish I could! Coyle is a most intelligent agent, and a most faithful servant of the family.

Enter Binny, L. 3 E.

Binny Mr. Coyle and hagent with papers.

Sir E Show him into the library. I will be with him presently. [Exit Binny.]

Flo Remember the archery meeting, papa. It is at three.

Sir E Yes, yes, I'll remember. [Aside.] Pretty time for such levity when ruin stares me in the face. Florence, I leave you as my representative. [Aside.] Now to prepare myself to meet my Shylock. [Exit, R. 1 E.]

Flo Why will papa not trust me? [Vernon comes down, R.] Oh, Harry! I wish he would find out what a lot of pluck and common sense there is in this feather head of mine.

Dun Miss Florence, will you be kind enough to tell Miss Georgina all about that American relative of yours.

Flo Oh, about my American cousin; certainly. [Aside to Harry.] Let's have some fun. Well, he's about 17 feet high!

Dun Good gracious! 17 feet high!

Flo They are all 17 feet high in America, ain't they, Mr. Vernon?

Ver Yes, that's about the average height.

Flo And they have long black hair that reaches down to their heels; they have dark copper-colored skin, and they fight with—What do they fight with, Mr. Vernon?

Ver Tomahawks and scalping knives.

Flo Yes; and you'd better take care, Miss Georgina, or he'll take his tomahawk and scalping knife and scalp you immediately. [Georgina screams and faints.]

Dun Here, somebody get something and throw over her; a pail of water; no, not that, she's pale enough already. [Fans her with handkerchief.] Georgina, don't be afraid. Dundreary's by your side, he will protect you.

Flo Don't be frightened, Georgina. He will never harm you while Dundreary is about. Why, he could get three scalps here. [Pulls Dundreary's whiskers. Georgina screams.]

Dun Don't scream, I won't lose my whiskers. I know what I'll do for my own safety. I will take this handkerchief and tie the roof of my head on. [Ties it on.]

Flo [Pretending to cry.] Good bye, Dundreary. I'll never see you again in all your glory.

Dun Don't cry, Miss Florence, I'm ready for Mr. Tommy Hawk.

Enter Binny.

Binny If you please, Miss, 'ere's a gent what says he's hexpected.

Flo What's his name? Where's his