Asa No pork and beans!

Dun Pork's been here, but he's left.

Asa And where on airth's the clam chowder?

Dun Where is clam chowder? He's never here when he's wanted.

Asa [Drinks and spits.] Here's your health, old hoss. Do you call that a drink? See here, cousin, you seem to be the liveliest critter here, so just hurry up the fixins, and I'll show this benighted aristocratic society what real liquor is. So hurry up the fixins.

All Fixins?

Flo What do you mean by fixins?

Asa Why, brandy, rum, gin and whiskey. We'll make them all useful.

Flo Oh, I'll hurry up the fixins. What fun! [Exit, R.]

Dun Oh! I thought he meant the gas fixins.

Asa Say, you, you Mr. Puffy, you run out and get me a bunch of mint and a bundle of straws; hurry up, old hoss. [Exit Binny, L. 3 E., indignantly.] Say, Mr. Sailor man, just help me down with this table. Oh! don't you get riley, you and I ran against each other when I came in, but we'll be friends yet. [Vernon helps him with table to C.]

Enter Florence, followed by servants in livery; they carry a case of decanters and water, on which are seven or eight glasses, two or three tin mixers and a bowl of sugar. Binny enters with a bunch of mint and a few straws.

Flo Here, cousin, are the fixins.

Asa That's yer sort. Now then, I'll give you all a drink that'll make you squeal. [To Binny] Here, Puffy, just shake that up, faster. I'll give that sick gal a drink that'll make her squirm like an eel on a mud bank.

Dun [Screams.] What a horrible idea. [Runs about stage.]

Flo Oh, don't mind him! That's only an American joke.

Dun A joke! Do you call that a joke? To make a sick girl squirm like a mud bank on an eel's skin?

Asa Yes, I'll give you a drink that'll make your whiskers return under your chin, which is their natural location. Now, ladies and gentlemen, what'll you have, Whiskey Skin, Brandy Smash, Sherry Cobbler, Mint Julep or Jersey Lightning?

Aug Oh, I want a Mint Julep.

De B Give me a Gin Cocktail.

Flo I'll take a Sherry Cobbler.

Ver Brandy Smash for me.

Mrs M Give me a Whiskey Skin.

Geo I'll take a Lemonade.

Dun Give me a Jersey Lightning.

Asa Give him a Jersey Lightning. [As Dundreary drinks] Warranted to kill at forty rods. [Dundreary falls back on Mrs. M. and Georgina.]

Closed In.

Scene 2—Library in Trenchard Manor. Oriel Window, L. C., with curtains. Two chairs and table brought on at change.

Enter Binny and Coyle, L. 1 E.

Binny Sir Hedward will see you directly, Mr. Coyle.

Coyle Very well. House full of company, I see, Mr. Binny.

Binny Cram full, Mr. Coyle. As one of the first families in the country we must keep up our position.

Coyle [Rubbing his hands.] Certainly, certainly, that is as long as we can, Mr. Binny. Tell Murcott, my clerk, to bring my papers in here. You'll find him in the servant's hall, and see that you keep your strong ale out of his way. People who serve me must have their senses about them.

Binny [Aside.] I should say so, or 'e'd 'ave hevery tooth hout in their 'eds, the wiper. [Exit, L. 1 E.]

Coyle And now to show this pompous baronet the precipice on which he stands.

Enter Murcott, with green bag and papers.

Coyle Are you sober, sirrah?

Murcott Yes, Mr. Coyle.

Coyle Then see you keep so.

Mur I'll do my best, sir. But, oh! do tell them to keep liquor out of my way. I can't keep from it now, try as I will, and I try hard enough, God help me!

Coyle Pshaw! Get out those mortgages and the letters from my London agent. [Murcott takes papers from bag and places then on table. Coyle looks off, R. 1 E.] So; here comes Sir Edward. Go, but be within call. I may want you to witness a signature.

Mur I will sir. [Aside.] I must have brandy, or my hand will not be steady enough to write. [Exit, L. 1 E.]

Enter Sir Edward, R. 1 E. Coyle bows.

Sir E Good morning, Coyle, good morning. [With affected ease.] There is a chair, Coyle. [They sit.] So you see those infernal tradespeople are pretty troublesome.

Coyle My agent's letter this morning announces that Walter and Brass have got judgement and execution on their amount for repairing your town house last season. [Refers to papers.] Boquet and Barker announce their intention of taking this same course with the wine account. Handmarth is preparing for a settlement of his heavy demand for the stables. Then there is Temper for pictures and other things and Miss Florence Trenchard's account with Madame Pompon, and—

Sir E Confound it, why harass me with details, these infernal particulars? Have you made out the total?

Coyle Four thousand, eight hundred and thirty pounds, nine shillings and sixpence.

Sir E Well, of course we must find means of settling this extortion.

Coyle Yes, Sir Edward, if possible.

Sir E If possible?

Coyle I, as your agent, must stoop to detail, you must allow me to repeat, if possible.

Sir E Why, you don't say there will be any difficulty in raising the money?

Coyle What means would you suggest, Sir Edward.

Sir E That, sir, is your business.

Coyle A foretaste in the interest on the Fanhille & Ellenthrope mortgages, you are aware both are in the arrears, the mortgagees in fact, write here to announce their intentions to foreclose. [Shows papers.]

Sir E Curse your impudence, pay them off.

Coyle How, Sir Edward?

Sir E Confound it, sir, which of us is the agent? Am I to find you brains for your own business?

Coyle No, Sir Edward, I can furnish the brains, but what I ask of you is to furnish the money.

Sir E There must be money somewhere, I came into possession of one of the finest properties in Hampshire only twenty-six years ago, and now you mean to tell me I cannot raise 4,000 pounds?

Coyle The fact is distressing, Sir Edward, but so it is.

Sir E There's the Ravensdale property unencumbered.

Coyle There, Sir Edward, you are under a mistake. The Ravensdale property is deeply encumbered, to nearly its full value.

Sir E [Springing up.] Good heavens.

Coyle I have found among my father's papers a mortgage of that very property to him.

Sir E To your father! My father's agent?

Coyle Yes, bearing date the year after the great contested election for the county, on which the late Sir Edward patriotically spent sixty thousand pounds for the honor of not being returned to Parliament.

Sir E A mortgage on the Ravensdale estate. But it must have been paid off, Mr. Coyle, [anxiously,] have you looked for the release or the receipt?