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قراءة كتاب Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105, September 16th, 1893
تنويه: تعرض هنا نبذة من اول ١٠ صفحات فقط من الكتاب الالكتروني، لقراءة الكتاب كاملا اضغط على الزر “اشتر الآن"
Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105, September 16th, 1893
Punch, or the London Charivari
Volume 105, September 16th 1893
edited by Sir Francis Burnand
A CROWDED HOUSE.
Angry Voice (from a backseat). "Ears off in Front there, please!"
THE STRIKER'S VADE MECUM.
Question. You think it is a good thing to strike?
Answer. Yes, when there is no other remedy.
Q. Is there ever any other remedy?
A. Never. At least, so say the secretaries.
Q. Then you stand by the opinions of the officials?
A. Why, of course; because they are paid to give them.
Q. But have not the employers any interests?
A. Lots, but they are not worthy the working-man's consideration.
Q. But are not their interests yours?
A. Yes, and that is the way we guard over them.
Q. But surely it is the case of cutting off the nose to spite the mouth?
A. And why not, if the mouth is too well fed.
Q. But are not arguments better than bludgeons?
A. No, and bludgeons are less effective than revolvers.
Q. But may not the use of revolvers produce the military?
A. Yes, but they can do nothing without a magistrate reading the Riot Act.
Q. But, the Riot Act read, does not the work become serious?
A. Probably. But at any rate the work is lawful, because unremunerative.
Q. But how are the wives and children of strikers to live if their husbands and fathers earn no wages?
A. On strike money.
Q. But does all the strike money go to the maintenance of the hearth and the home?
A. Of course not, for a good share of it is wanted for the baccy-shop and the public-house.
Q. But if strikes continue will not trade suffer?
A. Very likely, but trade represents the masters.
Q. And if trade is driven away from the country will it come back?
A. Most likely not, but that is a matter for the future.
Q. But is not the future of equal importance to the present?
A. Not at all, for a day's thought is quite enough for a day's work.
Q. Then a strike represents either nothing or idleness?
A. Yes, bludgeons or beer.
Q. And what is the value of reason?
A. Why, something less than smoke.
A NOVEL SHOW.
["A popular place of entertainment is arranging a Burglars' Exhibition."—Daily Telegraph.]
Oh, gladly will the public pay
Its shillings for admission,
To study in a careful way
This most original display,
The Burglars' Exhibition.
Professor Sikes will here explain,
With practical instruction,
How best to break a window-pane,
Through which his classic form may gain
Judicious introduction.
The jemmies, and revolvers, too,
Will doubtless prove enthralling,
And all the implements we'll view
With which these scientists pursue
Their fascinating calling;
The most efficient type of gag
To silence all intrusion,
The latest kind of carpet-bag
Wherein to bear the bulky "swag"
To some remote seclusion.
Then, by this exhibition's aid,
The art will spread to others,
And those who ply this busy trade
Will, in a year or two, be made
A noble band of brothers.
The thief of olden time we'll see
As seldom as the dodo;
The burglar's future aim will be
To join the fortiter in re
And suaviter in modo!
The Most Unpardonable "Misuse of Words."—Making after-dinner speeches.
CONVERSION À LA MODE.
Scene—A Government Office. A Government Official discovered.
To him enter a Petitioner.
Petitioner. I really think, Sir, that the time has arrived for a grant.
Official. Impossible, my dear Sir, impossible. I can assure you the reports are greatly exaggerated.
Pet. But do you know that the ports cannot properly be guarded without further financial assistance?
Off. Very likely; at least, that may be the general opinion.
Pet. And Science could be far more certain did the funds permit—you are aware of that?
Off. Faddists never consider the cost of anything.
Pet. And I suppose you are aware that it is marching towards the metropolis?
Off. When it gets there it will be time to consider the situation.
Pet. Then you have not heard of the recent affair in Westminster?
Off. In Westminster! Why that is close to the Houses of Parliament!
Pet. And if I tell you that it has been traced to the Lobby of the Commons.
Off. Don't say another word, my dear Sir, not another word. What, appeared in the House of Commons! Why, several millions shall be granted at once!
[Scene closes in upon preparations of the most active character.
Announcement.—The Heavenly Twins has had a success. It will be followed by a treatise on gout by Mrs. Sarah Gamp, M.D., to be entitled The Uneavenly Twinge.
"SOCIAL TEST-WORDS."
[An American writer in The Critic has an article on this subject.]
Two "social questions" soon, we may expect.
Will, in two continents, raise a social storm:—
"Is it correct to say a thing's 'correct'"?
"Is it good form to use the phrase 'good form'"?
Or will both go, with those who finely feel,
The way of "gentlemanly," and "genteel"?
Shall Punch attempt to settle it? No, thankee!
He rather thinks he'll leave it to the Yankee.
What matters it about our played-out tongue?
(In which some good things have been said and sung.)
Let those the war of "Saxon versus Slang" wage,
Who have the charge of "the American Language."
That has a future (Howell's law, and Fate's!)
"The language of the Great United States"
(Unless through cant and coarseness it goes rotten)
The world will speak when "English" is forgotten.
The Coming Fall.
The Autumn comes. We welcome it—
A change from Summer heat appalling.
The birds once more begin to flit
To warmer climes, the leaves are falling.
But portent clear as clear can be,
We know that Autumn comes by reasoning
"Look all the papers that we see
Are daily stuffed with silly