src="@public@vhost@g@gutenberg@html@files@39362@39362-h@images@196-400.png" alt="'Goo'bye, ducky! Ave no fears for me!'" tag="{http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml}img"/>

"Goo'bye, ducky! Ave no fears for me!"

[He continues his tour of the balcony, amidst roars of laughter.

Mrs. Toov. (falling back in the box, speechless with fury). And this is the treatment Pa exposes me to—all those unmanly wretches laughing at me! But I don't care; here I stay till Pa comes. Oh, this smoke; I shall be poisoned by it soon! Upon my word, there's a bold hussy coming on to sing, in a man's coat and black satin knee-breeches. I'll stop my ears; they shall see there's one woman here who respects herself! (She does so, during that and the subsequent performances; an hour passes.) How much longer am I to be compelled to remain here? This is terrible; three creatures in tight red suits, got up to look like devils! I wonder they've no fear of being struck dead on the stage! They're standing on each other's stomachs. I daren't look on at such blasphemy! I'll take off my spectacles; then, at least, my eyes won't be offended by seeing anything distinctly! (She removes her glasses, and replaces them in their case, which she lays on the box-ledge.) They're gone, thank goodness. What's this? There's someone opening the box-door. Pa—at last! Well, I'm ready for him!

[She stiffens in her chair.

Attendant's Voice (outside). This is Box C, Miss. Can I bring you any refreshments? Bottle-ale, stout, lemonade, Miss?

A Female Voice. I—I don't know. There's a gentleman with me; he'll be here directly; he only stopped to speak to somebody. Ah, he's coming now.

Mrs. Toov. "Miss"?! This is Pa's party, then. Oh!!

[A quietly dressed, and decidedly good-looking girl enters, and starts on seeing that the box is already occupied.

Mrs. Toov. (rising in towering wrath). You were not expecting to find me here, Miss, I've no doubt?

The Girl (sitting down). No; Phil didn't say there would be anyone else; but any friend of his I'm sure——

Mrs. Toov. Phil? you dare to call him "Phil!" Do you know who I am, you insolent girl, you? I am his Wife!

The Girl. His wife? I don't believe it. Are you sure you don't mean his mother. My Phil married to you, indeed—a pretty story!

Mrs. Toov. (trembling with rage). Go out of this box instantly, or I'll make you!

The Girl. I shall do nothing of the kind. Wait till my friend comes, and we'll soon——(As the door opens.) Phil, Phil, here's an abusive old female here who pretends she is your wife, and wants to order me out. I believe she must either be intoxicated or out of her senses!

Mrs. Toov. (pouncing upon the newcomer and boxing his ears soundly). Is she? it is you who are out of your senses, Pa! Take that—and that—and now come home with me, do you hear?

The Newcomer (with his hand to his cheek). "Pa," am I? I thought I was your husband just now! Well, I must have married before I was born, either way. And now, perhaps, you'll explain what all this means?

Mrs. Toov. (faintly). Oh, my goodness! I've made a dreadful mistake; it isn't Pa! Let me go—let me go!

The Newc. (putting his back against the door). Not yet, Ma'am; not yet. You don't go like this; after insulting this young lady, to whom I've the honour of being engaged, and telling her you're my wife, and then smacking my face in her presence. I've my dignity to consider, and I want satisfaction out of you. Come, we won't have a row here, for the sake of this young lady; just step out into lobby here, and I'll give you in charge for assault. Stay where you are, Milly, my dear. Now, Ma'am, will you go, or shall I send for a constable? (Mrs. T. totters out, protesting incoherently, and begging to be released.) Well, I don't want to spoil my evening's pleasure on your account. You give me your name and address, and I'll simply summon you for assault; which is more than you deserve. If you won't, I'll charge you!

Mrs. Toov. (reluctantly). Oh, indeed it was an acc——I will not give you my name. Yes, yes, I will; anything to get out of this horrible place. (The young man produces a pencil, and pulls down his left shirt cuff.) Mrs.—Too—no, I don't mean Too—Tomkinson Jones—The—the Laburnums—U—upper Tooting. There, now are you satisfied?

The Young Man (recording it). Thank you, that's all I require. You'll hear from me later on. Good evening!

Mrs. Toov. (as she crawls down the staircase). I have only just saved myself by a—a fib! And I haven't even found Pa out. But I will. I'll go straight home and sit up for him!

End of Scene XI.

IMPROVED GNOMENCLATURE.

(A popular Song adapted to the Glacial Period.)

"On an Icicle made for Two."

FRAGMENTS FROM A FRANCO-RUSSIAN PHRASE-BOOK.

(Picked up at Toulon after the recent Fêtes.)

AT THE BANQUET.

I am glad to be next to a Russian. Believe me, France has always been the best friend of Russia.... No, that was not France—it was the Corsican. Altogether a different thing.... Were we at the Crimea? It is possible—through the perfidy of those English.... Try some of this old sherry. Your shark-fin soup is delicious.... As I was saying, we are a Republic now, and adore Liberty.... Siberia must be a charming place, and the climate ravishing. You have never been there? A pleasure to come!... Take a carafe of champagne—there is plenty more. We are a democratic nation, and the hearts of our populace go out to an autocrat. I know well that all autocrats are not nice—but yours!! Do have some more champagne.... These are Cailles Schuvaroff. They are Russian—so they must be good!... Do you know that my wife and I kissed the hands of (ten—fifteen—fifty—two hundred) Russian sailors through the portholes of your flagship this afternoon?... Not at all—we quite enjoyed it.... There is a proposal to present your Admiral with a model of the Tour Eiffel in brilliants. I remember it was exhibited in Paris at a franc for admission—but few people went. I wish he may get it. I subscribed ten (Napoleons—francs—centimes) towards the fund for presenting commemorative brooches to the wives, daughters, and sweethearts of your seamen. I hope they will all arrive quite safely.... Have you received a silver cup with a suitable inscription? Only a yellow champagne-glass with a motto! That is mean, miserable, shabby! I will speak to a waiter about it.... Why do you not drink? Fill your glass. I am filling mine.... Have you heard that our warm-hearted nation has forwarded to the Russian Fleet one hundred cases of the best blacking? The Triple Alliance is trembling in its shoes.... You drink nothing! All the same, it seems to me your Tsar might have sent more ships while he was about it. Yes, I