Through the

Outlooking Glass

WITH

THEODORE

ROOSEVELT

SIXTH EDITION

PRICE TEN CENTS

THROUGH THE

OUTLOOKING GLASS

Being the curious adventures of

Theodore the Red Knight in his

quest of the Third Cup, of his

faithful companion Alice, of the

Old Lady who lived in a shoe

behind a high tariff wall, and

divers quaint and lively persons,

all comprising a veritable Theodyssey

of incidents, set down

in simple third terms

BY

SIMEON STRUNSKY

REPRINTED FROM

The Evening Post

NEW YORK

CHAPTER I

Alice was half-way through her cereal when the Red Knight came in and picked out a place at the same table facing her. He flung his coat over two hooks on the wall upside down. He then took a piece of chalk from his pocket and drew a ring on the floor and threw his hat into it.

"Good morning, sir," said Alice, who never forgot her manners under any circumstances.

"Good evening," said the Red Knight, as he opened his newspaper and began reading the last paragraph in the last column on the last page.

"But it isn't evening," said Alice. "Why, I am just having my breakfast before going to school."

"If you were a friend of mine, you'd know what I mean," said the Red Knight, and turned to the Mad Waiter, who was holding out the bill of fare for him to read. The Mad Waiter was a progressive waiter. He was so progressive that he would always be serving people with their supper before they had finished ordering lunch.

"I'll begin with a third cup of coffee," said the Red Knight. "Then you can bring me a second cup if it's not too cold. I am sure I don't want the first cup at all today."

"Thank you, sir," said the Mad Waiter. "The ham and eggs is very fine today."

"That just suits me," said the Red Knight.

"Too bad," said the Mad Waiter. "Perhaps you'll have a chop, with pickles and a boiled potato."

"Bully!" said the Red Knight.

"Why, then, there's the cold salmon as many people likes to have a taste of in the morning," said the waiter.

"Under no circumstances will I eat cold salmon," said the Red Knight, bringing his fist down on the table with such force that Alice let her spoon fall to the floor. The Mad Waiter disappeared, and almost immediately returned with a plate of cold salmon, of which the Red Knight partook heartily, washing it down with two steaming cups of coffee. As Alice was gathering up her books before setting out for school, the Red Knight turned to the waiter and said, "Now bring me the first cup."

"But you said you were sure you didn't want a first cup," cried Alice, with some show of spirit.

"That doesn't mean I can't have a first cup without sugar in it, does it?" said the Red Knight, as he picked up the sugar-bowl and threw it at the Mad Waiter.

CHAPTER II

Soon they came to the top of the hill and Alice saw a large, heavy man with a genial smile standing on the lawn of the White House.

"That," said the Red Knight with a frown, "is a deceptive candidate for the Presidency."

"Why do you call him deceptive?" said Alice.

"Because he always says what he means," replied the Red Knight.

"But that isn't deceiving at all," said Alice.

"Yes, it is," said the Red Knight angrily. "A man like that deceives people's hopes for novelty and excitement. Now I am a receptive candidate."

"I don't know what that means, either," said Alice.

"It means," said the Red Knight, "a candidate who receives his views and his principles as he moves along. I am also a perceptive candidate because I am as quick as lightning at perceiving which way the wind blows. Furthermore, I am an inceptive candidate and a susceptive candidate, and an acceptive candidate. That big man you see over there is my friend. But he has queer notions about some things. For instance, he says he'd rather be white than be President."

"Aren't you going to say 'Good morning' to him, if he is your friend?" said Alice.

"Oh, no," said the Red Knight. "I never do things like other people. I treat my friends and my enemies alike. I give them all a square deal."

"It seems to me, then," said Alice, "that what you want to do is to walk over and shake hands and say 'I hope you are feeling quite well, and here is a square deal for you.'"

"That would never do," said the Red Knight. "When I give a friend a square deal I give it to him between his shoulder blades, especially if he has broad shoulders like this man in front of us."

"I don't see that the size of the man's shoulders has anything to do with it," said Alice.

"That is because you have forgotten your geometry," said the Red Knight. "If you hadn't you'd know that a square deal on the hypothenuse is equal to the sum of the square deals on the other two sides."

CHAPTER III

The Red Knight had been rowing for a long time and Alice noticed that they were still in the same place. That was on account of the peculiar way in which the Red Knight handled the oars. He pulled at the right oar as hard as he could and pushed with the left oar as hard as he could and the boat went round and round in a circle.

"We aren't getting any nearer the shore, are we?" he asked anxiously.

"Not a bit," said Alice.

"That's fine," said the Red Knight. "Now you can see that I am neither a wild-eyed radical nor a moss-grown reactionary."

But Alice's conscience began to trouble her.

"You know," she said. "I promised Mamma that I would go out in a boat under no circumstances."

"That's all right, then," said the Red Knight. "It's just what you are doing."

"But I am not," said Alice.

"You are very stupid," said the Red Knight. "Suppose you said. 'I will go out in the rain under no umbrella.' Wouldn't that mean that you intended to go out without an umbrella?"

"It might mean that," said Alice.

"And suppose you said, 'I will go to bed under no blanket,' it would mean that you preferred to sleep without a blanket, wouldn't it?"

"I suppose so," said Alice.

"Now, were there any circumstances why you should have gone out with me in this boat?" asked the Red Knight.

"No," said Alice.

"Well, then, isn't it as plain as anything that you are going out in this boat under no circumstances?"

But Alice only began to whimper.

"I promised Mamma," she said, "that I should be home at five o'clock."

"Selfish!" said the Red Knight.

"I am not selfish," cried Alice. "I promised Mamma I'd come and I want to keep my promise."

"That's what I call selfish," said the Red Knight; "giving somebody your promise and wanting to keep it, too. I'd never be guilty of such conduct. It's like giving somebody your piece of plum pudding and wanting to keep it at the same time."

"But a promise isn't plum pudding," said Alice.

"Of course it isn't," said the Red Knight. "Plum pudding is much harder to swallow."

"Oh, you