Our cook has left us, all unexpectedly, so this places her room at our disposal for two of you. The kitchen-maid is doing her best to keep us from starving; but, though she means well, I can hardly class her as a cordon bleu.

Louise Dearlove, that pretty little girl you were so sweet upon last season, is unable to come; but her brother—the red-headed youth who was always trying to pick a quarrel with you—will be here.

I am so short of horses that I fear I must ask you to cab the four miles up from the station; but I am sure you won’t mind taking the rough with the smooth.

Yours ever,

John Jostler.

As the recipient of the above invitation, I ask which is “the smooth”?

WHAT THE DANCING MAN HAS COME TO

“Not dancing any more to-night, Fred?”

“No; and, what’s more, I’ll never put my foot in this house again! Why, I’ve been introduced three times![Pg 10]
[Pg 11]”

THE TERRORS OF SOCIAL LIFE

Stout Lady (at a charity ball). “Excuse me, Lady Godolphin, but I should so like to make some notes of your charming costume—may I?”

Lady Godolphin. “Pardon me, but really I’m afraid I haven’t the pleasure of——”

Stout Lady. “Oh, I’m sure you won’t mind: I’m ‘Girlie,’ you know—I do the fashion article for Classy Bits!”

Club Attendant (to stout party, who is struggling into overcoat). “Allow me, sir.”

Stout Party. “No, don’t trouble! This is the only exercise I ever take!”

ENGLISH AS SHE IS SPOKE!!

Future Duke. “What are you goin’ to do this mornin’ eh?”

Future Earl. “Oh, I dunno. Rot about, I s’pose, as usual.”

Future Duke. “Oh, but I say, that’s so rotten.”

Future Earl. “Well, what else is there to do, you rotter?”

THE “BOOK TEA”

Scene—The Drawing-rooms of No. 1 and No. 2, Upperten Mansions, S.W.

First Lady (entering). Here I am! I am sure you won’t guess who I am. See, the American Banner and the Union Jack. I represent “Under Two Flags.”

First Hostess. Oh, how clever! But we shall have Mr. Smith here presently, and he is sure to come in something quite new.

Second Lady (entering). Here I am. Now you will never know what book I represent. Stars and stripes on one shoulder, the white ensign on the other! “Under Two Flags.” Eh?

First Hostess. Wonderful! We shall have Mr. Smith here by and by. He is sure to amuse us.

Third Lady (entering). I promised to come and here I am. The Star Spangled Banner and our own Royal Standard. “Under Two Flags.” There, isn’t it good?

First Hostess. Quite too good! So pleased you have come. We are waiting for Mr. Smith. He’s sure to make us all laugh, as he’s so original!

Fourth Lady. Up to my time! And I have come as a well-known book. See, a dear little American banner on one side of my head, and a weeny, weeny Union Jack on the other. “Under Two Flags.” I thought I would surprise you!

First Hostess. I knew you would. Mr. Smith is coming! He’s sure to be funny.

Mr. Smith (entering). Now you must guess. I won’t take off my cloak until I have shown you these two dolls. Here they are, soldiers of the time of Louis XIV. And now you shall see me. (Throws off his cloak and appears in gorgeous costume.) I represent, with the help of my companions, “The Three Musketeers.”

Second Hostess (rigidly). I think there is some mistake. This is a meeting of the Distressed Charwomen’s Food Fund Association. I think you must have wanted to attend my neighbour next door’s Book Tea.

Mr. Smith (hastily resuming his cloak). Oh, I beg your pardon.

[Exit in confusion.

DISADVANTAGE OF RESEMBLING A CELEBRITY

She. “Oh, how do you do, dear Mr. Lyon. Have you forgiven me for cutting you at Mrs. Leo Hunter’s last night? I was actually stupid enough to take you for that horrid bore, Mr. Tetterby Thompson, whom you’re said to be so like. It’s a horrid libel—you’re not like him a bit.”

He. “A—a—I wasn’t at Mrs. Leo Hunter’s last night—a—a—a—and my name is Tetterby Thompson!”

SPEECHES TO BE LIVED DOWN—IF POSSIBLE

Digby. “I had hoped for the pleasure of taking you down to supper, Mrs. Masham!”

Rigby. “Too late, my dear fellow! It’s the early bird that catches the worm!”

SPEECHES TO BE LIVED DOWN—IF POSSIBLE

Mr. Marsh. “I’ve just had quite a long chat with your three charming little girls, Mrs. Roope.”

Mrs. Roope. “Not mine, Mr. Marsh. I have no children.”

Mr. Marsh (very surprised). “No chil—— Are you sure?”

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

I

[See page 19

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

I

Enter Mr. Chesterfield Grandison Potts. “How d’ye do, my dear Mrs. Pettifer? I’ve come to congratulate you on your performance of the Lady of Lyons, at Mrs. Tomkyns’s. It was