EXASPERATED AT THE CONVERSION OF THEIR DOGS INTO PIE, TIE KETTLES TO THE TAILS OF THE CHINAMEN.

Giving the Cue.

"Is that one of your Chinese belles? asked Mr. PUNCHINELLO of Mr. KOOPMAN-SCHOOP, as one of the newly-imported yallagals passed.

"Yes," replied Mr. K. "You can always tell a Chinese bell from a Chinese gong by the bell-pull attached to it."

Mr. P. immediately presented his chapeau to Mr. K.

HINTS FOR—THOSE WHO WILL TAKE THEM.

Mr. PUNCHINELLO: Your invaluable "Hints for the Family," published some time since, seem destined to work a revolution in our domestic economy; as the plans you propose must win the admiration of housekeepers by their extreme simplicity, aside from any other motives to their adoption. I have myself tested several of your methods, and find that you speak from thorough and circumstantial knowledge of your subject In bread-making, for instance, we find that when the cat reposes in the dough, it (the dough) will not rise, though the cat does. But in the clock manufacture, we fear you have divulged one of the secrets of the trade.

Your little invention for carrying a thread should be recommended to students and other isolated beings, notwithstanding their unaccountable propensity to pierce other substances than the cloth. They would find driving the needle through much facilitated by a skilful use of the table formerly described.

Permit me to make a few additional suggestions.

Get some worsted and a pair of needles; set up from twenty to forty stitches, more or less, and knit till you are tired. When finished—(the knitting)—draw out the needles and bite off the thread. You will thus have made an elegant lamp-mat, of the same color as the worsted, and the very thing for a Christmas present to your grandmother.

This is a very graceful employment, and a great favorite with ladies; in fact, some ladies seem so infatuated with work of that kind, that, according to the new theory of the Future, a fruition of fancy-work will be amongst their other blissful realizations. And so, after surveying Deacon QUIRK'S spiritual potato fields, or perhaps some fresh (spiritual) manifestation of Miss PHELPS'S piety and intelligence, we may have the pleasure of seeing the sun and moon hung with tidies, and a lamp-mat under each star.

Take your rejected sketches and compositions, cut them in strips two or three inches wide, and as long as the paper will permit. Fold these strips lengthwise as narrow as possible, and smooth the edges down flat with your finger. When finished, or perhaps before, you will find you have made a bunch of excellent lamp-lighters.

Get a suit of clothes—broadcloth is the best—and a pair of boots to stand them in. Button the coat, and insert in the neck any vegetable you choose, so that it be large enough, (one of the drum-head species is the best,) and finish with a hat You will then find, doubtless to your surprise and delight, that you have a man, or an excellent substitute for one, equal, if not superior to the genuine article, warranted to be always pleased with his dinner, and never, necessarily, in the way. Some people may object to its lack of intelligence, as compared with the original, but careful investigation has shown that the difference is very slight; yet, admitting even this to be a positive fault, it is amply counterbalanced by negative merits. Your correspondent who writes about "The Real Estate of Woman," will be relieved to find that the threatened dearth in husbands can be so readily obviated.

Very truly,

ANN O. BLUE.

For Singers, Only.

What is the best wine for the voice?

Canary.

A Chop-House Aphorism.

Customers who fee waiters may always be sure of their Feed.

Washy.

The daily papers tell us that "Sixty-Eight Thousand persons visited the public baths during last week."

They went in—a week lot—and came out sixty-eight thousand strong.

Constructive Genius.

"A poor woman in Utica, who owns three houses and is building another, sends her children into the streets daily to beg."

Quite right. While the youngsters beg in the streets, let the enterprising old lady go on and begin another house.

A Result of the Mongol.

Owing to the influx of Chinamen into this country, the edict against allowing dogs to run at large during the Summer has been relaxed.

BOMBASTES BONAPARTE:

NOW PERFORMING AT THE THEATRE FRANCAIS.

"He who would these Boots displace
Must meet BOMBASTES face to face."

THE NEW PANDORA'S BOX.

REPRESENTATIVE MANUFACTURER, (springing open Chinese surprise box.)—"THERE!—WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT LITTLE JOKER?"

KNIGHT OF ST. CRISPIN.—"PSHAW! THAT'S A MEAN TRICK: WAIT TILL I OPEN MY BOX!"

HIRAM GREEN ON THE CHINESE.

He write a letter to the North Adams Shoe Manufacturer.—New Occupation for the "Coming Man."

NSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT, July the 11th, 18-Seventy.

MISTER SAMPSON:

Selestial sir:—I take my goose quil in hand to rite you a letter. I like your stile—you soot me. I myself have been an old Statesman, having served my country for 4 years as Gustise of the Peece, raisin' sed offis to a higher standard than usual, as well as raisin' an interestin' family of eleven healthy children. Upon the linements of their countenance the features and stamp of GREEN stands out in bold relief. They are all genuine Green-bax.

A little cloud no bigger than a man's hand made its appearance over the golden streets of San Francisco.

It is growin' bigger, and afore we know it, will be bigger than a white elefant.

You have ceased the dilemer by the horn which hangs suspended from the dilemer's head, like the tail of a kite.

While you have set the Chinees peggin' away puttin' bottoms on shoes, a great many are peggin' away "putin' a head onto you."

In the present statis of things you want to blow up your nerve, and stand as firm as the rox of Jiberalter, and like BYRON exclaim:

"To be or not to be, there's the question;—
Whether a man feels better to pay big wages for shoemakers,
Or to suffer the slings and arrows of everybody,
By hirin' Pig-tails for 1/2 price?"

Poleticians of the different churches don't endorse our Selestial brother. But, sir, I'll venter a few dollars, that if the children of the son—and dorter—leaned towards either party, he would be gobled up quicker'n scat, even if he come red hot from old LUCIFER, with a pocket full of free passes, for the whole nashun, to the Infernal regions.

That's so. A vote's a vote, if it comes from Greenland's coral strand or Afric's icy mountains. I feel a good deal towards you as a nabor of mine, named JOE BELCHER, once did.

JOE likes his tod, and can punish as much gin and tansy as a New York alderman can, when drinkin' at the sity's expense.

JOE went to camp meetin' last week, and, I am pained to say it, JOSEF got drunker than a biled owl.

While one of the brethern was preachin', JOE sot on a pine log tryin' to make out wether the preacher was a double-headed man, or whether 2 men were holdin' forth.

"Who'll stand up for the carpenter's Son?" sed the preacher.

This made JOE look around.

The question was again repeated.

Again JOE looked around for an answer.

Again the preacher said: "Who'll stand up for Him?"

JOE by this time had got onto his feet, and was steadyin' himself by holdin' onto a tree, while he sung out:

"I say (hic!) ole feller, Ile stand up (hic!) for him, or any 'orrer man who hain't got any (hic!) more fren's than he has (hic!) in this 'ere crowd."

I feel a good deal as JOE did. Anybody who hain't got any more frends than you have, Mr. SAMPSON, has my sympathy.

For bringin' these hily morril and refined Monongohelians to Massachusetts is a big feather in your cap, and you will receive your reward bime-bye.

"The wages of sin is death."

But the wages of a Chinyman is money in a man's pocket. They work cheap.

I am trying to get the Chinese substituted for canal hosses.

A man here by the name of SNYDER, who runs a canal Hoss to our Co., talks of sendin' for a lot.

Won't they be bang up with their cues hitcht to a canal bote snakin' it along at the rate of a mile inside of 2 hours. "G'lang! Tea leaf."

Then when they was restin' from their labors, by tyin' 2 of 'em together by their cues, stand one opposite the other and hang close between 'em to dry, on washin' day.

What an aristocratic thing Chiny close-line posts would be. The only drawback that I know of is, that the confounded posts mite some day walk off with all the close.

But, sir, if they served me in that manner, I would cover the ground with broken crockery by smashin' their old Chiny mugs for 'em.

Since you've awoken to notorosity, I have been studdyin' out your family pedigree.

I find your Antsisters are connected with long hair more or less, same as you be with Chiny pig-tails.

Old SAMPSON the first's strength, like your'n of to-day, lade in his long hair.

He could cut off more heads, and slay more Fillistians with the jaw bone of a member of Congress than the President of these U.S. can by makin' a new deal in the Custom house department.

And, sir, I reckon about these days, we are getting rather more of that same kind of jaw bone than is healthy.

I am afrade not.

Mrs. SAMPSON worked like a kag of apple sass in hot weather, to find out where her old man's strength was. When she found out, what did she do? Why, she got a pair of sheep shears and cropped him closer'n a state prison bird, and tryin' to lift a house full of fokes, it fell onto him and smashed him.

Like LOT'S wife, she'd orter been turned into a pillow of salt, and then the pillow had orter been sewed up and cast into the sea.

Another of the SAMPSONS wouldn't even chop off MARIAR ANTERNETTE'S head until her hair had been cut off, so he could peel her top-knot off slick and cleen.

Lookin' back at these cheerful antsisters of your'n, it's no wonder you go in for long haired labor. It runs in the SAMPSON blood.

The public is cussin' you from DANIEL to BEEBSHEBER, because you've brought a lot of modern Philistines to Massachusetts.

Let 'em cus.

That's their lay.

Your'n is, to bild up a fortin, if Poor-houses for white laborers to live in is thicker in North Adams than goose pimples on a fever and ager sufferer's form.

As old Grandma SAMPSON cut off her old man's long hair, so she could handle him in one of them little fireside scrimmages which we married fokes enjoy, so fokes would crop you, my hi toned old Joss stick.

But I've writ more'n I intended to. I would like to have you come and make us a visit.

Bring along your wife, DELIAL. Tell her to bring her croshay work.

Mrs. GREEN is interestin' company among wimmen.

What MARIAR don't know about her nabors, don't happen.

Then her veel pot-pies and ingin puddins are just rats.

She can nock the spots off from any woman who wears a waterfall, gettin' up a good square meal.

Anser soon, and don't forget to pay your own postige.

Hopin' you are sound on the goose and able to enjoy your Swi lager und Sweitzer,

I am thine, old hoss,

HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,

Lait Gustise of the Peece.

TREATMENT FOR POTATO BUGS.

Mr. CLARK JOHNSON, of Pendleton, Indiana, not at all discouraged by the signal failures of many previous campaigns against the Bug, has entered the (potato) field with a new weapon, viz.: a mixture of Paris Green and Ashes. Applied frequently, as a Top Dressing, this gentle stimulant imparts a new energy to the vine, and also to the Bug, who thus becomes so vigorous, and at the same time restless, that an uncontrollable impulse seizes him to visit the home of his ancestors, (Colorado.) Here, as is supposed by Mr. JOHNSON, the fictitious energy that had been supplied by the Mixture deserts the immigrant, who now settles down contentedly, nor ever roams again.

As (owing to the present facilities of freighting, etc.,) the Potatoes of Pendleton may eventually find the New York market, which always invites the superior esculent, we would like to suggest to Mr. JOHNSON that this Mixture be administered to the Bug with a spoon, and not sprinkled promiscuously on the ground. We have drank Tea with a "green flavor," and found it comparatively innocuous; but Potatoes with a green flavor, (especially if flavored by the JOHNSONIAN method,) we should consider as doubtful, to say the least. It is the general impression that there is nothing Green in Paris; but your house painter knows there is such a thing as Paris Green, and that it is the oxyde of copper. Therefore, should one eat many of the potatoes nourished as above, we should expect to see him gradually turning into a Bronze Statue—a fate which, unless he were particularly Greeky and nice-looking, we should wish to anticipate, if possible, in the interests of art.

MR. SWACHENBACKER, OF THE AIRY 'UN SOCIETY, CREATES A SENSATION AMONG THE LADY BATHERS AT "THE BRANCH," BY APPEARING AMONG THEM AS A MERMAN, WITH A REAL LOOKING-GLASS AND A FALSE TAIL.

Fashionable Intelligence.

Two colors that once were fashionable in the Parisian toilette, viz.: BISMARCK brown and Prussian blue, are now excluded from court circles, by command of the Empress.

Weather or No.

Most remarkable in the history of mathematics are the calculations published by the weather-prophet of the Express. Arithmetic turns pale when she glances at them, and, striking her multiplication table with her algebraic knuckles, demands to know why the Express does not add a Cube-it to its THATCHER.

Comparative Industry.

It is reported that "the journeymen lathers demand four dollars per day." As a question of comparative soap, the latherers will in due time strike too. The ultimatum will be-"Raise our pay or we drop the Razor."

"Omnibus Hoc," etc.

What is the difference between theft in an omnibus and the second deal at cards?

One is a Game of the Stage, and the other is a Stage of the Game.

OUR AGRICULTURAL COLUMN.

Memorabilia of "What I Know About Farming."

Profound subjects should be well meditated upon. A man may write about "New America," or "Spiritual Wives," or any such light and airy subject, without possessing much knowledge, or indulging in much thought, but he can't play such tricks upon Agriculture. She is very much like a donkey: unless you are thoroughly acquainted with her playful ways, she will upset you in a quagmire. Perhaps it is due to my readers that I should say here that I have read a great many valuable treatises upon this