met with the freezing contempt and indifference which are only to be expected from intelligent and fair-minded men like yourselves, I will now bring my exposure of the sophistries, the base insinuations, and the incoherent maunderings which he had the effrontery to impose upon your understandings as argument, to a premature close, and proceed to make a collection on my own account, and thereby afford you the opportunity of showing on which side your real sympathies and your confidence are enlisted.

[He goes round with the straw hat, which his delighted audience fill liberally with the coppers that the previous speaker has ignominiously failed to extract from them. But the tender-hearted Reader may be relieved to hear that, as soon as the crowd has dispersed, the victor shares the proceeds of his eloquence in the handsomest manner with his adversary, who shows a true elevation of mind in betraying no abiding resentment at his oratorical defeat. So may all such contests terminate—as, for that matter, they generally do.

"THE PLAY IS NOT THE THING."

(A Farce which is running in most of the London Theatres, but which should not be tolerated for a single Night.)

Scene—Auditorium of the T. R.—— during the performance of a Modern Comedy. Enter a party of four Playgoers into private box.

First Playgoer. Rather a pity it has begun! I always like to see a play from first to last. Don't you?

Second P. Quite. So much more interesting. Of course if you don't catch what they say at first, how on earth can you catch the idea of the plot?

Third P. Not that the plot matters much nowadays. All dialogue, don't you know? Smart hits at somebody, and all that sort of thing.

Fourth P. Quite. Really better fun than the other sort of thing. Much better fun to have to listen to epigrams and all that sort of thing, than to have to follow something or other with interest.

Second P. Quite. In fact, nowadays, you can come in when you like, and listen to what you like.

Third P. Yes, much better plan, than having to take it all in. Think it a first-rate idea to allow talking all through, instead of keeping that sort of thing until between the Acts.

Second P. Quite. Between the Acts a fellow wants to smoke. Much jollier to talk when the other fellows are talking too. Divide the labour with them—half the conversation on one side the Curtain, half on the other.

Fourth P. Capital idea, and much less fatiguing than the old style. Fancy having to take it all in! Why, ten years ago, one had to get up a play as if one had to pass an examination in it next morning! Awful bosh!

Second P. Quite. No, it's much jollier to chat. Is there anyone in the house you know?

First P. Only that Johnnie over there! The fellow in the dinner-jacket, who's gone to sleep. He's rather a sportsman. (Applause.) Hallo! What's that row about?

Third P. End of the First Act. I say, you fellows, I don't think there's much in the piece, so far.

Fourth P. I am blest if I know what it's all about.

First P. More do I.

Second P. And I. Why should we stay any longer? Seems awful rot.

Fourth P. Quite. Let's go to a Music-Hall, where we can smoke and chat.

First P. Quite.

[Exeunt the party, to the great relief of the remainder of the Audience.

Curtain.