قراءة كتاب More Misrepresentative Men
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الصفحة رقم: 3
half so sweet
As any modern Vanderbuilding;
He views, without an envious throe,
The wolf that suckled Romeo!
Roast beef, or frogs, or sauerkraut,
Their mead of praise from some may win;
Our hero cannot do without
Peanuts and clams and terrapin;
Away from home, his soul would lack
The cocktail and the canvasback.
Their mead of praise from some may win;
Our hero cannot do without
Peanuts and clams and terrapin;
Away from home, his soul would lack
The cocktail and the canvasback.
Not his to walk the crowded Strand;
'Mid busy London's jar and hum.
On quiet Broadway he would stand,
Saying "Americanus sum!"
His smile so tranquil, so seraphic,—
Small wonder that it stops the traffic!
'Mid busy London's jar and hum.
On quiet Broadway he would stand,
Saying "Americanus sum!"
His smile so tranquil, so seraphic,—
Small wonder that it stops the traffic!
Who would not be a man like he,
(This lapse of grammar pray forgive,)
So simply satisfied to be,
Contented with his lot to live,—
Whether or not it be, I wot,
A little lot,—or quite a lot?
(This lapse of grammar pray forgive,)
So simply satisfied to be,
Contented with his lot to live,—
Whether or not it be, I wot,
A little lot,—or quite a lot?
Content with any kind of fare,
With any tiny piece of earth,
So long as he can find it there
Within the land that gave him birth;
Content with simple beans and pork,
If he may eat them in New York!
With any tiny piece of earth,
So long as he can find it there
Within the land that gave him birth;
Content with simple beans and pork,
If he may eat them in New York!
O persons who have made your pile,
And spend it far across the seas,
Like landlords of the Em'rald Isle,
Denounced notorious absentees,
I pray you imitate the Master,
And stay at home like Mr. Astor!
And spend it far across the seas,
Like landlords of the Em'rald Isle,
Denounced notorious absentees,
I pray you imitate the Master,
And stay at home like Mr. Astor!
But if you go abroad at all,
And leave your fatherland behind you,
Without an effort to recall
The sentimental ties that bind you,
I should be grateful if you could
Contrive to stay away for good!
And leave your fatherland behind you,
Without an effort to recall
The sentimental ties that bind you,
I should be grateful if you could
Contrive to stay away for good!
Henry VIII
ITH Stevenson we must agree,
Who found the world so full of things,
That all should be, or so said he,
As happy as a host of Kings;
Yet few so fortunate as not
To envy Bluff King Henry's lot.
A polished monarch, through and through,
Tho' somewhat lacking in religion,
Who joined a courtly manner to
The figure of a pouter pigeon;
And was, at time of feast or revel
A ... well ... a perfect little devil!
Tho' somewhat lacking in religion,
Who joined a courtly manner to
The figure of a pouter pigeon;
And was, at time of feast or revel
A ... well ... a perfect little devil!
But tho' his vices, I'm afraid,
Are hard for modern minds to swallow,
Two lofty virtues he displayed,
Which we should do our best to follow:—
A passion for domestic life,
A cult for what is called The Wife.
Are hard for modern minds to swallow,
Two lofty virtues he displayed,
Which we should do our best to follow:—
A passion for domestic life,
A cult for what is called The Wife.
He sought his spouses, North and South.
Six times (to make a misquotation)
He managed, at the Canon's mouth,
To win a bubble reputation;
And ev'ry time, from last to first,
His matrimonial bubble burst!
Six times (to make a misquotation)
He managed, at the Canon's mouth,
To win a bubble reputation;
And ev'ry time, from last to first,
His matrimonial bubble burst!
Six times, with wide, self-conscious smile
And well-blacked, button boots, he entered
The Abbey's bust-congested aisle,
With ev'ry eye upon him centred;
Six times he heard, and not alone,
The march of Mr. Mendelssohn.
And well-blacked, button boots, he entered
The Abbey's bust-congested aisle,
With ev'ry eye upon him centred;
Six times he heard, and not alone,
The march of Mr. Mendelssohn.
Six sep'rate times (or three times twice),
In order to complete the marriage,
'Mid painful show'rs of boots and rice,
He sought the shelter of his carriage;
Six times the bride, beneath her veil,
Looked "beautiful, but somewhat pale."
In order to complete the marriage,
'Mid painful show'rs of boots and rice,
He sought the shelter of his carriage;
Six times the bride, beneath her veil,
Looked "beautiful, but somewhat pale."
Within the limits of one reign,
Six females of undaunted bearing,
Two Annes, three Kath'rines, and a Jane,
Enjoyed the privilege of sharing
A conjugal career so chequer'd
It almost constitutes a record!
Six females of undaunted bearing,
Two Annes, three Kath'rines, and a Jane,
Enjoyed the privilege of sharing
A conjugal career so chequer'd
It almost constitutes a record!
Yet sometimes it occurs to me
That Henry missed his true vocation;
A husband by profession he,
A widower by occupation;
And, honestly, it seems a pity
He didn't live in Salt Lake City.
That Henry missed his true vocation;
A husband by profession he,
A widower by occupation;
And, honestly, it seems a pity
He didn't live in Salt Lake City.
For there he could have put in force
His plural marriage views, unbaffled;
Nor had recourse to dull divorce,
Nor sought the service of the scaffold;
Nor looked for peace, nor found release,
In any partner's predecease.
His plural marriage views, unbaffled;
Nor had recourse to dull divorce,
Nor sought the service of the scaffold;
Nor looked for peace, nor found release,
In any partner's predecease.
Had Henry been alive to-day,
He might have hired a timely motor,
And sent each wife in turn to stay
Within the confines of Dakota;
That State whose rigid marriage-law,
Is eulogised by Bernard Shaw.
He might have hired a timely motor,
And sent each wife in turn to stay
Within the confines of Dakota;
That State whose rigid marriage-law,
Is eulogised by Bernard Shaw.
Alton B. Parker
HOSE Roman Fathers, long ago,
Established a sublime tradition,
Who gave the Man Behind the Hoe
His proud proconsular position;
When Cincinnatus left his hens,
And beat his ploughshares into pens.
Established a sublime tradition,
Who gave the Man Behind the Hoe
His proud proconsular position;
When Cincinnatus left his hens,
And beat his ploughshares into pens.
His modern prototype we see,
Descended from some humble attic,
The Presidential nominee
Of those whose views are Democratic;
From Millionaire to Billiard Marker
They plumped their votes for Central Parker.
Descended from some humble attic,
The Presidential nominee
Of those whose views are Democratic;
From Millionaire to Billiard Marker
They plumped their votes for Central Parker.
A member of the sterner sex,
Possessing neither wealth nor beauty,
But gifted with a really ex—
—Traordinary sense of Duty;
In Honour's list I place him first,—
With Cæsar's Wife and Mr. Hearst.
Possessing neither wealth nor beauty,
But gifted with a really ex—
—Traordinary sense of Duty;
In Honour's list I place him first,—
With Cæsar's Wife and Mr. Hearst.
From childhood's day this son of toil,
Since first he laid aside his rattle,
Was wont to cultivate the soil,
Or milk his father's kindly cattle;
To groom the pigs, drive crows away,
Or teach the bantams how to lay.
Since first he laid aside his rattle,
Was wont to cultivate the soil,
Or milk his father's kindly cattle;
To groom the pigs, drive crows away,
Or teach the bantams how to lay.
This sprightly lad, his parents' pet,
With tastes essentially bucolic,
Eschewed the straightcut cigarette,
And shunned refreshments alcoholic;
His simple pleasure 'twas to plumb
The deep-laid joys of chewing gum.
With tastes essentially bucolic,
Eschewed the straightcut cigarette,
And shunned refreshments alcoholic;
His simple pleasure 'twas to plumb
The deep-laid joys of chewing gum.
As local pedagogue he next
Attained to years of indiscretion,
To preach the Solomonian text
So popular with that profession,
Which honours whom (and what) it teaches
More in th' observance than the breeches.
Attained to years of indiscretion,
To preach the Solomonian text
So popular with that profession,
Which honours whom (and what) it teaches
More in th' observance than the breeches.
The sprightly Parker soon one sees,
Head of a legal institution,
Enjoying huge retaining fees
As counsel for the prosecution.
(Advice to lawyers, meum non est,—
Get on, get honour, then get honest!)
Head of a legal institution,
Enjoying huge retaining fees
As counsel for the prosecution.
(Advice to lawyers, meum non est,—
Get on, get honour, then get honest!)
Behold him, then, like comet, shoot
Beyond the bounds of birth or station,
And gain, as jurist of repute,
A continental reputation.
(Don't mix him with that "Triple Star"
Which lights a more unworthy "bar.")
Beyond the bounds of birth or station,
And gain, as jurist of repute,
A continental reputation.
(Don't mix him with that "Triple Star"
Which lights a more unworthy "bar.")
A proud position now is his,
A judge, arrayed in moral ermine,
As from the Bench he sentences
His fellow-man, and other vermin,
And does his duty to his neighbour,
By giving him six months' hard labour.
A judge, arrayed in moral ermine,
As from the Bench he sentences
His fellow-man, and other vermin,
And does his duty to his neighbour,
By giving him six months' hard labour.
On knotty questions of finance
He bears aloft the golden standard,
For he whose motto is "Advance!"
To baser coin has never pandered.
No eulogist of War is he,
"Retrenchment!" is his dernier cri.
He bears aloft the golden standard,
For he whose motto is "Advance!"
To baser coin has never pandered.
No eulogist of War is he,
"Retrenchment!" is his dernier cri.
Euclid
HEN Egypt was a first-class Pow'r—
When Ptolemy was King, that is,
Whose benefices used to show'r
On all the local charities,
And by his liberal subscriptions
Was always spoiling the Egyptians—
When Ptolemy was King, that is,
Whose benefices used to show'r
On all the local charities,
And by his liberal subscriptions
Was always spoiling the Egyptians—
The Alexandrine School enjoyed
A proud and primary position
For training scholars not devoid
Of geometric erudition;
Where arithmetical fanatics
Could even live in (mathem)-attics.
A proud and primary position
For training scholars not devoid
Of geometric erudition;
Where arithmetical fanatics
Could even live in (mathem)-attics.
The best informed Historians name
This Institution the possessor
Of one who occupied with fame
The post of principal Professor,
Who had a more expansive brain
Than any man—before Hall Caine.
This Institution the possessor
Of one who occupied with fame
The post of principal Professor,
Who had a more expansive brain
Than any man—before Hall Caine.
No complex sums of huge amounts
Perplexed his algebraic knowledge;
With ease he balanced the accounts
Of his (at times insolvent) College;
He was, without the least romance,
A very Blondin of Finance.
Perplexed his algebraic knowledge;
With ease he balanced the accounts
Of his (at times insolvent) College;
He was, without the least romance,
A very Blondin of Finance.