قراءة كتاب More Misrepresentative Men
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اللغة: English
الصفحة رقم: 6
great!"
The mode of life in Utah State.
The gay Lothario, too, who makes
His mad but meaningless advances
To more than one fair maid, and takes
A large variety of chances,
Need have no fear, in such a place,
Of any breach-of-promise case.
His mad but meaningless advances
To more than one fair maid, and takes
A large variety of chances,
Need have no fear, in such a place,
Of any breach-of-promise case.
With Mormons of the latter-day
I have no slightest cause for quarrel;
Nor do I doubt at all that they
Are quite exceptionally moral;
Their President has told us so,
And he, if anyone, should know.
I have no slightest cause for quarrel;
Nor do I doubt at all that they
Are quite exceptionally moral;
Their President has told us so,
And he, if anyone, should know.
But tho' of folks in Utah State,
But 2 percent lead plural lives,
Perhaps the other 98
Are just—their children and their wives!
O stern, ascetic congregation,
Resisting all—except temptation!
But 2 percent lead plural lives,
Perhaps the other 98
Are just—their children and their wives!
O stern, ascetic congregation,
Resisting all—except temptation!
Well, I, for one, can see no harm,
Unless for trouble one were looking,
In having wives on either arm,
And one downstairs—to do the cooking.
A touching scene; with nought to dim it.
But fifty children!—That's the limit!
Unless for trouble one were looking,
In having wives on either arm,
And one downstairs—to do the cooking.
A touching scene; with nought to dim it.
But fifty children!—That's the limit!
Some middle course would I explore;
Incur a merely dual bond;
One wife, brunette, to scrub the floor,
And one for outdoor use, a blonde;
Thus happily could I exist,
A moral Mormonogamist!
Incur a merely dual bond;
One wife, brunette, to scrub the floor,
And one for outdoor use, a blonde;
Thus happily could I exist,
A moral Mormonogamist!
Sherlock Holmes
HE French "filou" may raise his "bock,"
The "Green-goods man" his cocktail, when
He toast Gaboriau's Le Coq,
Or Pinkerton's discreet young men;
But beer in British bumpers foams
Around the name of Sherlock Holmes!
The "Green-goods man" his cocktail, when
He toast Gaboriau's Le Coq,
Or Pinkerton's discreet young men;
But beer in British bumpers foams
Around the name of Sherlock Holmes!
Come, boon companions, all of you
Who (woodcock-like) exist by suction,
Uplift your teeming tankards to
The great Professor of Deduction!
Who is he? You shall shortly see
If (Watson-like) you "follow me."
Who (woodcock-like) exist by suction,
Uplift your teeming tankards to
The great Professor of Deduction!
Who is he? You shall shortly see
If (Watson-like) you "follow me."
In London (on the left-hand side
As you go in), stands Baker Street,
Exhibited with proper pride
By all policemen on the beat,
As housing one whose predilection
Is private criminal detection.
As you go in), stands Baker Street,
Exhibited with proper pride
By all policemen on the beat,
As housing one whose predilection
Is private criminal detection.
The malefactor's apt disguise
Presents to him an easy task;
His placid, penetrating eyes
Can pierce the most secretive mask;
And felons ask a deal too much
Who fancy to elude his clutch.
Presents to him an easy task;
His placid, penetrating eyes
Can pierce the most secretive mask;
And felons ask a deal too much
Who fancy to elude his clutch.
No slender or exiguous clew
Too paltry for his needs is found;
No knot too stubborn to undo,
No prey too swift to run to ground;
No road too difficult to travel,
No skein too tangled to unravel.
Too paltry for his needs is found;
No knot too stubborn to undo,
No prey too swift to run to ground;
No road too difficult to travel,
No skein too tangled to unravel.
For Holmes the ash of a cigar,
A gnat impinging on his eye,
Possess a meaning subtler far
Than humbler mortals can descry.
A primrose at the river's brim
No simple primrose is to him!
A gnat impinging on his eye,
Possess a meaning subtler far
Than humbler mortals can descry.
A primrose at the river's brim
No simple primrose is to him!
To Holmes a battered Brahma key,
Combined with blurred articulation,
Displays a man's capacity
For infinite ingurgitation;
Obliquity of moral vision
Betrays the civic politician.
Combined with blurred articulation,
Displays a man's capacity
For infinite ingurgitation;
Obliquity of moral vision
Betrays the civic politician.
I had an uncle, who possessed
A marked resemblance to a bloater,
Whom Sherlock, by deduction, guessed
To be the victim of a motor;
Whereas, his wife (or so he swore)
Had merely shut him in the door!
A marked resemblance to a bloater,
Whom Sherlock, by deduction, guessed
To be the victim of a motor;
Whereas, his wife (or so he swore)
Had merely shut him in the door!
My brother's nose, whose hectic hue
Recalled the sun-kissed autumn leaf,
Though friends attributed it to
Some secret or domestic grief,
Revealed to Holmes his deep potations,
And not the loss of loved relations!
Recalled the sun-kissed autumn leaf,
Though friends attributed it to
Some secret or domestic grief,
Revealed to Holmes his deep potations,
And not the loss of loved relations!
I had a poodle, short and fat,
Who proved a conjugal deceiver;
Her offspring were a Maltese Cat,
Two Dachshunds and a pink retriever!
Her husband was a pure-bred Skye;
And Sherlock Holmes alone knew why!
Who proved a conjugal deceiver;
Her offspring were a Maltese Cat,
Two Dachshunds and a pink retriever!
Her husband was a pure-bred Skye;
And Sherlock Holmes alone knew why!
When after-dinner speakers rise,
To plunge in anecdotage deep,
At once will Sherlock recognise
Each welcome harbinger of sleep:
That voice which torpid guests entrances,
That immemorial voice of Chauncey's!
To plunge in anecdotage deep,
At once will Sherlock recognise
Each welcome harbinger of sleep:
That voice which torpid guests entrances,
That immemorial voice of Chauncey's!
Not his, suppose Hall Caine should walk
All unannounced into the room,
To say, like pressmen of New York,
"Er—Mr. Shakespeare, I presoom?"
By name "The Manxman" Holmes would hail,
Observing that he had no tale.
All unannounced into the room,
To say, like pressmen of New York,
"Er—Mr. Shakespeare, I presoom?"
By name "The Manxman" Holmes would hail,
Observing that he had no tale.
In vain, amid the lonely state
Of Zion, dreariest of havens,
Does bashful Dowie emulate
The prophet who was fed by ravens;
To Holmes such affluence betrays
A prophet who is fed by jays!
. . . . . .
With Holmes there lived a foolish man,
To whom I briefly must allude,
Who gloried in possessing an
Abnormal mental hebetude;
One could describe the grossest bétise
To this (forgive the rhyme) Achates.
Of Zion, dreariest of havens,
Does bashful Dowie emulate
The prophet who was fed by ravens;
To Holmes such affluence betrays
A prophet who is fed by jays!
. . . . . .
With Holmes there lived a foolish man,
To whom I briefly must allude,
Who gloried in possessing an
Abnormal mental hebetude;
One could describe the grossest bétise
To this (forgive the rhyme) Achates.
'Twas Doctor Watson, human mole,
Obtusely, painfully polite;
Who played the unambitious rôle
Of parasitic satellite;
Inevitably bound to bore us,
Like Aristophanes's Chorus.
. . . . . .
But London town is sad to-day,
And preternaturally solemn;
The fountains murmur "Let us spray"
To Nelson on his lonely column;
Big Ben is mute, her clapper crack'd is,
For Holmes has given up his practice.
Obtusely, painfully polite;
Who played the unambitious rôle
Of parasitic satellite;
Inevitably bound to bore us,
Like Aristophanes's Chorus.
. . . . . .
But London town is sad to-day,
And preternaturally solemn;
The fountains murmur "Let us spray"
To Nelson on his lonely column;
Big Ben is mute, her clapper crack'd is,
For Holmes has given up his practice.
No more in silence, as the snake,
Will he his sinuous path pursue,
Till, like the weasel (when awake),
Or deft, resilient kangaroo,
He leaps upon his quivering quarry,
Before there's time to say you're sorry.
Will he his sinuous path pursue,
Till, like the weasel (when awake),
Or deft, resilient kangaroo,
He leaps upon his quivering quarry,
Before there's time to say you're sorry.
No more will criminals, at dawn,
Effecting some burglarious entry,
(While Sherlock, on the garden lawn,
Enacts the thankless rôle of sentry),
Discover, to their bitter cost,
That felons who are found—are lost!
Effecting some burglarious entry,
(While Sherlock, on the garden lawn,
Enacts the thankless rôle of sentry),
Discover, to their bitter cost,
That felons who are found—are lost!
No more on Holmes shall Watson base
The Chronicles he proudly fabled;
The violin and morphia-case
Are in the passage, packed and labelled;
And Holmes himself is at the door,
Departing—to return no more.
The Chronicles he proudly fabled;
The violin and morphia-case
Are in the passage, packed and labelled;
And Holmes himself is at the door,
Departing—to return no more.
He bids farewell to Baker Street,
Though Watson clings about his knees;
He hastens to his country seat,
To spend his dotage keeping bees;
And one of them, depend upon it,
Shall find a haven in his bonnet!
Though Watson clings about his knees;
He hastens to his country seat,
To spend his dotage keeping bees;
And one of them, depend upon it,
Shall find a haven in his bonnet!
Aftword
Remember, should you scent afar
The crusted jokes of days gone by,
What conscious plagiarists we are:
Molière and Seymour Hicks and I,
For, as my bearded chestnuts prove,
Je prends mon bien où je le trouve!
The crusted jokes of days gone by,
What conscious plagiarists we are:
Molière and Seymour Hicks and I,
For, as my bearded chestnuts prove,
Je prends mon bien où je le trouve!
My wealth of wit I never waste
On Chestertonian paradox;
My humour, in the best of taste,
Like Miss Corelli's, never shocks;
For sacred things my rev'rent awe
Resembles that of Bernard Shaw.
On Chestertonian paradox;
My humour, in the best of taste,
Like Miss Corelli's, never shocks;
For sacred things my rev'rent awe
Resembles that of Bernard Shaw.
Behold how tenderly I treat
Each victim of my pen and brain,
And should I tread upon his feet,
How lightly I leap off again;
Observe with what an airy grace
I fling my inkpot in his face!
Each victim of my pen and brain,
And should I tread upon his feet,
How lightly I leap off again;
Observe with what an airy grace
I fling my inkpot in his face!
And those who seek at Christmas time,
An inexpensive gift for Mother,
Will fine this foolish book of rhyme
As apposite as any other,
And suitable for presentation
To any poor or near relation.
An inexpensive gift for Mother,
Will fine this foolish book of rhyme
As apposite as any other,
And suitable for presentation
To any poor or near relation.
To those whose intellect is small,
This work should prove a priceless treasure;
To persons who have none at all,
A never-ending fount of pleasure;
A mental stimulus or tonic
To all whose idiocy is chronic.
This work should prove a priceless treasure;
To persons who have none at all,
A never-ending fount of pleasure;
A mental stimulus or tonic
To all whose idiocy is chronic.
And you, my Readers (never mind
Which category you come under),
Will, after due reflection, find
My verse a constant source of wonder;
'Twill make you think, I dare to swear—
But what you think I do not care!
Which category you come under),
Will, after due reflection, find
My verse a constant source of wonder;
'Twill make you think, I dare to swear—
But what you think I do not care!