of laudanum—Quick speech—Tom unshackles his wooden pin—Dies like a hero—Clare pines in secret—Hops the twig, and goes to glory in white muslin—Poor Tom and Clare! they now lie side by side, beneath

“A WEEPING WILL-OH!”

LESSONS IN PUNMANSHIP.

We have been favoured with the following announcement from Mr. Hood, which we recommend to the earnest attention of our subscribers:—

MR. T. HOOD, PROFESSOR OF PUNMANSHIP,

Begs to acquaint the dull and witless, that he has established a class for the acquirement of an elegant and ready style of punning, on the pure Joe-millerian principle. The very worst hands are improved in six short and mirthful lessons. As a specimen of his capability, he begs to subjoin two conundrums by Colonel Sibthorpe.

COPY.

“The following is a specimen of my punning before taking six lessons of Mr. T. Hood:—

“Q. Why is a fresh-plucked carnation like a certain cold with which children are affected?

“A. Because it’s a new pink off (an hooping-cough).

“This is a specimen of my punning after taking six lessons of Mr. T. Hood:—

“Q. Why is the difference between pardoning and thinking no more of an injury the same as that between a selfish and a generous man?

“A. Because the one is for-getting and the other for-giving.”

N.B. Gentlemen who live by their wits, and diners-out in particular, will find Mr. T. Hood’s system of incalculable service.

Mr. H. has just completed a large assortment of jokes, which will be suitable for all occurrences of the table, whether dinner or tea. He has also a few second-hand bon mots which he can offer a bargain.

∴ A GOOD LAUGHER WANTED.

A SYNOPSIS OF VOTING, ARRANGED ACCORDING TO THE CATEGORIES OF “CANT.”

There hath been long wanting a full and perfect Synopsis of Voting, it being a science which hath become exceedingly complicated. It is necessary, therefore, to the full development of the art, that it be brought into such an exposition, as that it may be seen in a glance what are the modes of bribing and influencing in Elections. The briber, by this means, will be able to arrange his polling-books according to the different categories, and the bribed to see in what class he shall most advantageously place himself.

It is true that there be able and eloquent writers greatly experienced in this noble science, but none have yet been able so to express it as to bring it (as we hope to have done) within the range of the certain sciences. Henceforward, we trust it will form a part of the public education, and not be subject tot he barbarous modes pursued by illogical though earnest and zealous disciples; and that the great and glorious Constitution that has done so much to bring it to perfection, will, in its turn, be sustained and matured by the exercise of what is really in itself so ancient and beautiful a practice.

VOTING MAY BE CONSIDERED AS

• 1st. He that hath NOT A VOTE AND VOTETH; which may be considered,
  • 1st. As to his CLAIM, which is divisible into
    1. He that voteth for dead men.
    2. He that voteth for empty tenements.
    3. He that voteth for many men.
    4. He that voteth for men in the country, and the like.
  • 2nd. As to his MOTIVE, which is divisible into
    1. Because he hath a bet that he will vote.
    2. Because he loveth a lark.
    3. Because he LOVETH HIS COUNTRY.
       
       • [Here also may be applied all the predicates under the subjects BRIBING, HUMBUG, and PRINCIPLE.]
• 2nd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH NOT; which is divisible into
  • 1st. He that is PREVENTED from voting, which is divisible into
    1. He who is upset by a bribed coachman.
    2. He who is incited into an assault, that he may be put into the cage.
    3. He who is driven by a drunken coachman many miles the wrong way.
    4. He who is hocussed.
    5. He who is sent into the country for a holiday, and the like.
  • 2nd. He that FORFEITETH his vote, which is divisible into
    1. He who is too great a philosopher to care for his country.
    2. He who has not been solicited.
    3. He who drinketh so that he cannot go to the poll.
    4. He who is too drunk to speak at the poll.
    5. He who through over-zeal getteth his head broken.
    6. He who stayeth to finish the bottle, and is too late, and the like.
• 3rd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH; which is divisible into
  • 1st. He that voteth INTENTIONALLY, which is divisible into
    • 1st. He that voteth CORRUPTLY, which is divisible into
      • 1st. He that is BRIBED, which is divisible into
        • 1st. He that is bribed DIRECTLY, which is divisible into
          • 1st. He that receiveth MONEY, which may be considered as
            1. He that pretendeth the money is due to him.
            2. He that pretendeth it is lent.
            3. He who receiveth it as alms.
            4. He who receiveth it as the price of a venerated tobacco-pipe, a piece of Irish bacon, and the like.
          • 2nd. He that seeketh PLACE, which may be considered as
            1. He who asketh for a high situation, as a judgeship in Botany Bay, or a bishopric in Sierra Leone, and the like.
            2. He who asketh for a low situation, as a ticket-porter, curate, and the like.
            3. He who asketh for any situation he can get, as Secretary to the Admiralty, policeman, revising barrister, turnkey, chaplain, mail-coach guard, and the like.
          • 3rd. He that taketh DRINK, which may be considered as
            1. He that voteth for Walker’s Gooseberry, or Elector’s Sparkling Champagne.
            2. For sloe-juice, or Elector’s fine old crusted Port.
            3. He who voteth for Brett’s British Brandy, or Elector’s real French Cognac.
            4. He who voteth for quassia, molasses, copperas, coculus Indicus, Spanish juice, or Elector’s Extra Double Stout.
        • 2nd. He that is bribed INDIRECTLY, as
          1. He who is promised a government contract for wax, wafers, or the like.
          2. He who getteth a contract, for paupers’ clothing, building unions, and the like.
          3. He who furnisheth the barouches-and-four for the independent 40s. freeholders.
          4. He who is presented with cigars, snuffs, meerschaum-pipes, haunches of venison, Stilton-cheeses, fresh pork, pine-apples, early peas, and the like.
      • 2nd. He that is INTIMIDATED, as
        1. By his landlord, who soliciteth back rent, or giveth him notice to quit.
        2. By his patron, who sayeth they of the opposite politics cannot be trusted.
        3. By his master, who sayeth he keepeth no viper of an opposite opinion in his employ.
        4. By his wife, who will have her own way in hysterics.
        5. By his intended bride, who talketh of men of spirit and Gretna Green.
        6. By a rich customer, who sendeth back his goods, and biddeth him be d—d.
      • 3rd. He that is VOLUNTARILY CORRUPT, which may be considered as
        1. He who voteth from the hope that his party will provide him a place.
        2. He who voteth to please one who can leave him a legacy.
        3. He who voteth to get into genteel society.
        4. He who voteth according as he hath taken the odds.
        5. He who, being a schoolmaster, voteth for the candidate with a large family.
        6. He who voteth in hopes posterity may think him a patriot.
    • 2nd. He that voteth