gain for him the respect of his fellow-countrymen.

PRESENT (Anecdotal).—General SNOOKES—better known in the last century as "SIMPLE SIMON"—was a most interesting personage. Of his military career it is unnecessary to speak, as it was extremely commonplace, and void of incident. He was a petit maître—and numerous tales are told of his gallantry. On one occasion, meeting Lady BESSIE FRIZZYHEAD; on the Green at Turnham, he called attention to the fairness of the sunset. "Quite like cream, Lady BESSIE," said the old beau, taking a pinch of snuff. "Whipped, you mean," replied the malicious maiden, with a smile. "SIMPLE SIMON" simpered, but never forgave the liberty. At another time the General was speaking to the late Duke of York, when that illustrious personage commanded the British Army. "I say, SIMMY," exclaimed H.R.H., "if the French invade us, you must look after Number One." "You mean, Sir," was the prompt answer, "Number One Hundred and One!" The King, hearing this anecdote a little later, made "SIMPLE SIMON" his extra Equerry. But perhaps the best story of all was that told of his interview with Dean SWIFT. "I propose listening to your Reverence on Sunday," said the simple one. "Oh, indeed!" replied the sarcastic ecclesiastic. "Then we shall have a case of a Gulliver come to judgment!" Many other good stories are told of this General, whose career was rather in the drawing-room than in the field of glory. He died in 1825, and was buried in Westminster Abbey. At his funeral there was a large assemblage of the best-known people of the day, and amongst them the Editor of the National Defender. "Sic transit gloria," said some-one. "Mundi!" added the journalist.

FUTURE (Conjectural).—SNOOKES, SIMEON. No one knows who this person was, but it is shrewdly conjectured that he may have had some official connection (possibly as a Government contractor) with one of the ancient wars. As his monument is defaced, and there are no records of his family, it is useless to attempt to make his biography any fuller.

STUDIES IN CONTINENTAL PERSPECTIVE.

A DUET FOR TENOR AND BASS.

"SQUARED!"

A Song of a Settlement.

Recitative.

Air.

PRESENTED AT COURT.

MR. PUNCH, SIR,

I am indignant—disgusted! I went last night to see a new piece, called The Guardsman, at the Court Theatre, the plot of which, reminded me—'tis merely a coincidence—of Incognita, now going strong in St. Martin's Lane. The coincident being that a certain young man won't marry an uncertain young lady whom they want him to marry, because he is in love with quite another young lady (as he thinks) who (the incognita) turns out to be the very lady whom he is required to wed. However, that's not what I'm writing about. I leave criticism to your "professional gent." Well, Sir, it was very amusing, and very well acted. But from a military point of view, shameful, Sir!—shameful! The people about me were laughing, and said that the lines were good; that, take it all round, it ought to be a success; that it was most amusing. But how could I appreciate anything when I found a Captain in the Guards, on the Queen's Birthday, walking about in plain leather boots! It was as bad, in my mind, as when Mr. CHARLES WARNER, in the piece called In the Ranks, appeared as a private in the same distinguished Regiment in patent leathers! And what was the Captain doing, Sir, in mess uniform at his uncle's chambers, when he was supposed to be on guard at the Tower? At least so I understood him to be, but I may have been wrong. At any rate, an odd sort of place to dine at, if he was not on duty, and if he were, he should not have left his post. Moreover, where was his scarf, as orderly officer? But perhaps he was not on duty, and had dropped in upon the mess (in the height of the Season!) in a friendly sort of way. Well, that might explain matters a bit, but not to my entire satisfaction. And my wife tells me that it is rather late to make alterations in a Court dress the day before the Drawing-Room. And she says, too, that she has never been hustled and crushed when she has gone to Buckingham Palace. And if it comes to that, Sir, I have accompanied her, and can vouch for the strict accuracy of the statement. But these are minor matters. What I cannot stand are The Guardsman's boots!

AN OLD SOLDIER.

Mars Lodge, Cutsaddleborough,
Tomatkinshire.

Rhymes for the Times.

QUESTION FOR A DICKENSIAN EXAMINATION PAPER.—"Here's Pip—Ask Pip. Pip's our mutual friend." In which of DICKENS's Novels does this occur?

"SQUARED!"

FIRST CITIZEN. "WOT! 'ALLOWED' TO MEET IN TRAFALGAR SQUARE ON SATURDAYS, SUNDAYS, AND BANK 'OLIDAYS, ARE WE!!"

SECOND CITIZEN. "THEN WE JUST WON'T GO!! HE-HEH!!"

THE BATTLE OF THE BARDS;