قراءة كتاب Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax, 1870-1879
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Dear Reader we must part, and it iz like pulling angleworms out ov their holes, almost sure tew part the angleworms. I shall think ov yu az long az i liv, please tew resiprokate, when yu remember me, by uttering a tear. I hav taken a kontrakt tew remove the muskeeters from the State ov Nu Jersee, west of the Rocky Mountains, tew their new reservashun, and i am anxious tew git the bulk ov them started before they thaw out. I may lose mi life in the undertakin, but i have bin told by good judges, that it is sweet tew die for ones country. I kant tell whether this iz so or not, i never tried it. Good bye, this kussid muskeeter kontrakt iz wearing on me.
FAMILY MEDICINE.
Joel Biggs' Sticking Salve.
This salve will stick enny man.
It will undoubtedly stick the "coming man."
It haz stuck every man that haz cum yet.
No family should be without this matchless sticker.
(Unless they are too much stuck up allreddy.)
It iz put up in sticks twenty feet long,
To stick a man at a distance.
Q.–Let us hear yu define water?
A.–Water iz,—iz goose bitters.
Load down the kitchen table,
Fill up the old klay pipe,
And go it while yure able.
EXTRA EKLIPSES FOR THE YEAR 1870.
There will be eklipses this year which have been overlooked by other Allminax makers.
First.—Thare will be semiockasional eklipses ov the moon, kauzed bi brandy smashes gitting between that virtewous and pale old woman, and the eyes ov sum ov our most promising young men.
Second.—There will be a few eklipses ov the Son, kauzed bi the old gentleman cutting oph the supplys ov Charles Fitz Henry Augustus. (Bully for the old gentleman.)
Third.—Thare will be domestik eklipses (visibel only tew the naked eye) kauzed bi the new Comet Sorosis jumping out ov her pasture, and cantering around promiskuss.
Fourth.—Thare will be teetotal eklipse during the whole of the Year 1870, ov all other Allminax, throughout the earth, upper and lower kanada, and sum parts ov Nu Jersee, kauzed bi the immense circulashun ov the Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax.
RULES, BY-LAWS, AND REGULASHUNS.
1. Conduktors are positively forbid trieing tew pass each other on a single track.
2. Passengers are warned ov the great danger ov standing on the platforms,—menny a promising man haz lost hiz life by having a platform drop from under him.
3. Positively no droves ov cattle or swine allowed on this road unless they are travelling the same direckshun the trains are.
4. Engineers are earnestly requested tew keep their cow ketchers well greased, and will bear in mind that when a cow iz ketched the hide belongs tew them; but the beef and tallo iz tew be sent immejiately tew the president of the road.
5. Enny