doctor has forbidden you wine then that proves it isn't good for you.

Dudley (kneeling)
I beg you, on my knees.

Trippet
Useless prayer.

Dudley
At least give me a pork chop.

Trippet
Not a slice!

Dudley Ah, if only I were young again. You'd give me the keys to the wine cellar.

Trippet
I wouldn't bet on that.

Peacock (entering and seeing Dudley on his knees to Trippet) Ah, Dudley! How passionate you are! My God! That's no way to prepare for an enema. Come along, return to your room and try to calm yourself while waiting for the return of Mr. Flem. (Dudley leaves) That's funny, really.

Trippet
Do you have any idea what he wanted from me?

Peacock
It's not really difficult to figure out. Dirty old gallows-bird.

Trippet He was trying to cajole me with his sweet talk and passionate gestures—but I'm not that kind of woman.

Peacock
Good, Trippet. Don't give in to human weakness.

Trippet
I'd let him croak before he could have any.

Peacock Now wait a minute—if he shows any signs of croaking! You must satisfy him, Trippet! Ahem! I intend that he live a long life.

Trippet
We are talking at cross-purposes.

Peacock Oh, that! Trippet, they've come to get me to see a patient—a feverish cantor who refuses to drink a purge—but before I leave, it will be easier if I talk to my daughter. Tell her to come see me. (Exit Trippet) I suppose I could find a better husband for Harriet than this Flem. For example, a bureaucrat or a down-and-out gentleman. But I prefer to pay off my own debts, not someone else's. Instead of which, I will exploit my daughter for all she is worth.

Harriet (entering)
What do you want, Daddy?

Peacock Something you will like. I've decided to marry you. I've chosen a man for you who is extremely knowledgeable and will give you complete satisfaction.

Harriet
Oh, heaven.

Trippet (entering)
Ah!

Peacock
He's totally a skilled practitioner.

Harriet
How unhappy I am!

Peacock
Great fortitude.

Trippet
Now we're headed in different directions.

Peacock Listen! What's all this about, if you please? I haven't even told you his name—only of his worthiness, and you are making faces, both of you.

Trippet
It's not his worth that displeases—it's his incompatible qualities.

Peacock
What? What incompatible qualities?

Trippet
Eh! Yes, sir. Those qualities are certainly found in an old dotard.
You are painting a wretched portrait of a handsome young man.

Peacock
But, I don't propose to marry my daughter to some old fuddy-duddy.
It's Mr. Flem.

Harriet (surprised)
Mr. Flem!

Trippet (same tone)
Mr. Flem!

Peacock
Yes, Mr. Flem. He's only fifty. Not old enough to be too virtuous.

Trippet A virtuous man is not for Miss Harriet, and I am going to prove it. In order to know the worth of a virtuous husband, is it not necessary for the wife to be dispirited herself? First, give her a young man of twenty, and not only will she be fine, she'll have a reasonable husband.

Peacock Nice reasoning. A smart daughter ought not to examine her future husband too closely. She ought to consider it a pleasure to find one agreeable to her father. Understand, Harriet? Now, on my return, I expect to find you disposed to receive the hand of Mr. Flem. (exit)

Harriet Did you hear, Trippet? Is there a misfortune equal to mine? Isn't it enough to lose hope of being with Worthy? Now, I must reconcile myself to becoming the wife of this detestable Mr. Flem.

Trippet
Flem is difficult to swallow—assuredly.

Harriet Worthy, dear Worthy, what will your despair be when you hear this news?

Trippet Alas! I believe I can already see how unhappy he will be. What a lively sadness moistens his eye. What tears mix with yours. Oh, I loathe the old apothecary.

Harriet
Trippet, your joking is unseasonable.

Trippet I'm not joking. I don't know any more than you what the future will hold. But my point of view is different. You see despair and I see cause for hope. I read the future in a way that is more agreeable than you do.

Harriet You are deceiving yourself. I am already unhappy enough to be married to Mr. Flem. Without doubt, I will gag of it. But I will fulfill my destiny. The more I have to suffer, the more my character will grow.

Trippet I know very well that character thrives on hardship—but sometimes hardship corrupts a pure heart.

Harriet
I hear a noise. Someone is coming.

Trippet
Eh, Miss, it's Mr. Worthy.

Jeremy (entering with Worthy)
It's he, himself, Trippet, and your loveable Jeremy.

Trippet You come just in time, gentlemen. Help us avoid the storm that threatens us. Dr. Peacock has promised his daughter to Mr. Flem.

Jeremy To that flat-nosed pharmacist with thick glasses who works in his shop?

Trippet
Exactly.

Worthy
Is it true?

Trippet
So true that the marriage may take place at any time.

Worthy Oh, Harriet! How can you let them drag you to the altar without making the least effort in my behalf?

Harriet
What do you expect me to do, Mr. Worthy?

Jeremy Ladies, you have only to follow us to our inn. Our horses are all saddled. We will disappear with you both.

Trippet
Good idea. We'll disappear. All's fair in love and war.

Worthy Jeremy, I beg you. Think up some plan to prevent this detestable marriage.

Jeremy
That's what I'm dreaming up. Use your imagination, too, Trippet.
You're good at this sort of thing.

Trippet
All right. Let's stir up our imagination.

Jeremy
Well. What have you come up with?

Trippet
Wait a while.

Jeremy
Dammit, I can't wait forever. I've already decided on the best plan.

Trippet
Let's hear it.

Jeremy
Simply to make Flem and Doctor Peacock quarrel. Won't that do it?

Trippet
Without a doubt.

Worthy
Sounds good to me.

Jeremy
Right, eh? See how easily I solve the most difficult puzzles.

Trippet
But, you haven't said how we'll do it.

Jeremy Right. How to do it? Listen, hasn't some rich person recently died at their hands?

Trippet
The Judge. Judge Glanville.

Jeremy That's our luck! All we have to do is to tell the Doctor that Flem says it was the Doctor's prescription that killed the patient. At the same time, we tell Mr. Flem that the Doctor is blaming everything on the way the prescription was compounded.

Worthy
I like that idea.

Trippet
Won't