Trippet, in what frame of mind is your mistress?

Trippet In a mood to obey you. Oh, indeed, we've had a change of mind since you left. We paid attention to your wise advice. Do you know, sir, that we've learned to love old men?

Peacock
Are you serious?

Trippet Ask Mr. Flem in what manner we received him. Presently, we have eyes only for your old friend.

Peacock I don't know if you're speaking seriously, but the fact of the matter is, an older man is better.

Trippet A thousand times better. I wish someone would give me the choice between an old man and a young musketeer. It wouldn't take me long to make up my mind, let me tell you.

Peacock
In fact, an old boy tends to be very indulgent towards a young wife.

Trippet Oh, yes. In place of a young man who is indulgent only towards his friends. An old husband leaves us his wealth by dying and a young one doesn't die until he's gobbled up our dowry.

Peacock Sometimes that girl is pretty smart. Now, Harriet, I'm delighted you no longer dislike Mr. Flem—

Harriet (under her breath)
Ah, I prefer death.

Peacock
What did she say under her breath about dying?

Trippet
She says she'd rather die than lose him. She's crazy about him.

Peacock
Well, that's a passion that's arrived rather suddenly.

Trippet
And a proper one, too.

Peacock
But, it's a sort of madness, Trippet.

Trippet Assuredly. Now, if you were to forbid her to love him, she would love him even more.

Peacock
Who are these people coming here?

(Enter Jeremy and Worthy.)

Trippet
They seem to be some kind of soldiers.

Jeremy (disguised as a colonel) I am looking for Dr. Peacock. They say he looks rather large and bloated. Necessarily, it must be you.

Peacock
I am Dr. Peacock.

Jeremy Ah, sir, let me embrace you. In the fashionable world you are often spoken of. They say you are a clever doctor and your prescriptions are written in elegant Latin.

Peacock
Sir!

Jeremy
Ah, ha! Who are these lovely ladies?

Peacock
This is my daughter and this is her maid.

Jeremy To show you how much honor I feel for you and everything that belongs to you, I insist on embracing them, too.

Harriet
Just a minute, Mr. Officer.

Trippet
Do you take us to be barmaids?

Peacock (low)
These fellows are very impertinent.

Jeremy
Have you more than one daughter?

Peacock
No, sir.

Jeremy So much the worse. When they are made like these they can be easily married off.

Peacock Well, God willing, I'm just about to marry her to an apothecary friend of mine.

Jeremy Very good idea. Your patients certainly won't have to wait for enemas and purges.

Peacock
They will lack nothing.

Jeremy
The more I look at your daughter, the more I find she looks like you.

Peacock
You're joking!

Jeremy Word of a soldier! She's you in miniature. Your eyes are the same except for the coloring. Her little nose becomes large like yours: oval face, square face; really the resemblances are astonishing in certain families.

Peacock
Come, sir, if you will. What are you getting at?

Jeremy That maid of yours is making eyes at me. Apparently, I was made to be the sport of a wench. They always tease me.

Peacock
Sir, for God's sake, tell me who you are.

Jeremy I am a colonel and you see me here with my major. I come to consult you about an illness.

Harriet
Goodbye, Mr. Colonel.

Jeremy
Why are you running off, pretty ladies?

Trippet We don't want to hear the conversation of an officer who consults a doctor.

(Exit Trippet and Harriet.)

Jeremy I want to tell you, sir—no boasting—I'm well thought of by the combat troops.

Peacock
I'm sure of it, and I congratulate you, sir.

Jeremy When there's something particularly tough to do, they always call for me. Ask my major.

Worthy
It's true.

Peacock
I believe it.

Jeremy
So, you see, I have all the honor and reputation I could wish.
Unfortunately, my body isn't made of iron.

Peacock
I see.

Jeremy
I came down with asthma in Germany while I was pursuing the enemy.

Peacock
The cause of your illness is worthy of—

Jeremy Here's how it happened to me. I reconnoitred an enemy scouting party. I attacked them; they resisted. I redoubled my efforts. They regrouped. Then, they fled. I followed them, but then I was obliged to give up the pursuit. I couldn't get my breath. They said I have swollen glands. So, since then, I've been asthmatic.

Peacock (aside) He's consulting me for his own amusement—but I will mock him in his turn. (aloud) You wish a remedy that will soothe you?

Jeremy
Exactly!

Peacock
I have an infallible remedy. But, I have a scruple about curing you.

Jeremy
What's that?

Peacock
I think you should keep your asthma and seek a disability pension.

Jeremy
I like your idea.

(Enter Dudley from the house and Flem after him.)

Dudley
Murder! Help! Help! Fire!

Peacock
Why all this noise?

Jeremy What do I see? There's a face I've seen before. Yes, my word, it really is! It's Rosebud. Major, don't you recognize him?

Worthy
It's Rosebud all right. The deserter.

Dudley
Oh, yes, sir, it's me. I beg for pardon.

Jeremy
Coward! Fortune has delivered you to justice.

Dudley
Oh, Colonel, have pity on me.

Jeremy
Say, what! God! Why did you disappear without leave?

Dudley
The Captain was always beating me and there was nothing I could do!

Jeremy For God's sake, abandon the battlefield because you were beaten? To avenge yourself on your captain, couldn't you wait till after the battle? Major, call Sergeant Slaughter and some soldiers to take this deserter to the guardhouse.

(Exit Worthy to the street.)

Peacock
You never told me, you bastard, that you were a deserter.

Dudley
I never dared to tell you, sir.

Peacock
What a mess this wretch has got me in.

(Worthy returns with several soldiers.)

Sergeant Slaughter
What is it, sir?

Jeremy
Arrest that man.

Peacock
Sir, I beg you to pardon him.

Flem
We both ask you.

Jeremy (folding his arms) It upsets me, gentlemen, not to be