three; how was this? He had two—and one smelt!

Who would travel fastest—a man with one sack of flour on his back, or a man with two sacks? The man with two sacks, if they were empty, when they would be lighter than a sack of flour.

Why should there be a marine law against whispering? Because it is privateering (private hearing), and consequently illegal.

My first is the cause of my second, and my whole ought never to be broken, though unless it be holy, and be kept so, you can’t keep it at all? Sunday.

On what side of a church does a yew-tree grow? The outside!

Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself? Because it’s past-your-age (pasturage).

Why is a boy like a puppy? Because he’s a younker (young cur).

What is that thing which we all eat and all drink, though it is often a man and often a woman? A toast!

What step must I take to remove A from the alphabet? B-head it!

As we are told that A was not always the first letter of the alphabet, please tell us when B was the first? In the days of No-a!

Why is A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it.

Why is it right B should come before C? Because we must B before we can C.

Why is the letter W like scandal? Because it makes ill will.

Why are two T’s like hops! Because they make beer better.

Why is a waiter like a race-horse? Because he runs for the plate.

Why is good gas like a true lover? Because it burns with a pure flame.

Which are the best kind of agricultural fairs? Farmers’ daughters.

Why is a fop like a haunch of venison? Because he is a bit of a buck.

Why is a good anecdote like a public bell? Because it is often tolled (told).

What sport does gossiping young ladies remind you of? Deer(s) talking.

What is that which is always in visible yet never out of sight? The letter I.

Why is a man in poverty like a seamstress? Because he is obliged to make shifts.

Why are all policemen well behaved and polite? Because they are civil officers.

Why is a rifle a very insignificant weapon? Because it is within a t of being a trifle.

Why is the history of England like a wet season? Because it is full of reigns (rains).

Why should battle-fields be very gay places? Because balls and routs are common there.

When do we make a meal of a musical instrument? When we have a piano for-te(a).

Why is a rheumatic person like a glass window? Because he is full of pains (panes).

Why are the fixed stars like wicked old people? Because they scintillate (sin till late).

Why is the profession of a dentist always precarious? Because he lives from hand to mouth.

Why is boots at an hotel like an editor? Because he polishes the understandings of his patrons.

Where does a similarity exist between malt and beer? In the taxing of the one and fining of the other.

Why may turnkeys be said to have extraordinary powers of digestion? Because they bolt doors.

When is a river not a river? When it is high (eye) water.

Why is a very plain, common-place female a wonderful woman? Because she is an extraordinary one.

Why is your eye like a schoolmaster using corporal punishment? Because it has a pupil under the lash.

Why is a beautiful woman bathing like a valuable submarine machine? Because she is a diving belle (bell).

Why is a cabman, whatever his rank, a very ambitious person? Because he is always looking for a hire (higher).

Why should a broken-hearted single young man lodger offer his heart in payment to his landlady? Because it is rent.

Why is a horse constantly ridden and never fed not likely to be starved? Because he has always a bit in his mouth.

Why were the Russian accounts of the Crimean battles like the English and French? Because they were all lies (allies).

Why is a tiger hunted in an Indian jungle, like a piece of presentation plate? Because it is chased and charged by the ounce.

Why is a man going to be married like a felon being conducted to the scaffold? Because he is being led to the altar (halter).

If there was a bird on a perch, and you wanted the perch, how would you get it without disturbing the bird? Wait till it flew away.

When two men exchange snuff-boxes, why is the transaction a profitable one? Because they are getting scent per scent (cent per cent).

Why are young ladies the fastest travelers in the world? Because the day before marriage they are at the Cape of Good Hope, and the next day afterwards they are in the United States.

Sometimes with a head, sometimes without a head; sometimes with a tail, sometimes without a tail; sometimes with both head and tail, and sometimes without either; and yet equally perfect in all situations? A wig.

A gardener, going to fetch some apples out of the orchard, saw four birds destroying some of his best fruit; he got his gun, and fired at them, but only killed one; how many remained on the tree? None; the rest flew away.

The man who was struck by a coincidence is in a fair way of recovery.

The fellow who rushed into business “run out” again in a short time.

How to get a good wife—Take a good girl and go to the parson.

How to strike a happy medium—Hit a drunken spiritualist.

The young lady whose sleep was broken has had it mended.

The movement that was “on foot” has taken a carriage.

Hearty laugh—One that gets down among the ribs.

Epitaph for a cannibal—“One who loved his fellow-men.”

A squeeze in grain—Treading on a man’s corn.

To get a cheap dancing lesson—Drop a flat-iron on your favorite corn.

Why is a candle with a “long nose” like a contented man? Because it wants (s)nuffin.

When does rain seem inclined to be studious? When it’s pouring over a book-stall.

A hand-to-hand affair—Marriage.

Bridal chambers—Harness room.

The only kind of cake children don’t cry after—A cake of soap.

Housewife’s motto—Whatever thou dost, dust it with all thy might.

Why is life the riddle of riddles? Because we must all give it up.

It is said that the pen is mightier than the sword, but that depends on the holders.

In making wills, some are left out and others are left “tin.”

The society lady never sheds a tear. She knows enough to keep her powder dry.

Something that carries conviction with it—A police-van.

How to make a slow horse fast—Don’t feed him.

Why is a bee-hive like a bad potato? Because a bee-hive is a bee-holder; and a beholder is a spectator, and a speck-tater is a bad potato.

The original