could'nt mak' my wife understand yo aw reckon?"

"Is that her? well, ther's noa accaantin for taste—for aw should'nt care for livin' i' this country at all if aw wor yo," aw sed, for awd ommost made a mess on it, "can we have two beds for a few neets an' a bit o' summat to ait if we want it?"

"Can we get summat to sup?" sed Billy, "awm ommost dried up."

"Caffy-o-lay? Bordoo? Bass's bottled ale, or owt yo like."

"Caffyolaybordoo be hanged! let's ha some ale," sed Billy, an' he sooin browt two bottles, an' when he'd filled a glass Billy tuk it but he nobbut just tasted on it an' put it daan agean.

"Is ther summat matter wi it?" sed th' maister.

"Nay, aw dooant know at ther is,—it nobbut wants a bit o' ginger an' sewgar an' a pinch o' nutmug an' it'll mak' varry nice spiced drink. Do yo allussell it warm like that?"

"Yo connat help it gettin warm in a country like this unless yo keep it i' ice an' aw neer bother for ther's nubdy grummels, for they dooant know th' difference—Its a hot shop is this aw can tell yo, an' yo'll be luckier nor th' mooast if yo dooant find summat a deeal warmer nor that befoor yo've been long."

"Well, but tha'rt an' Englishman an' owt to ha moor sense—why, when awm brewin aw let it keel below that befoor aw set on."

"Tha says reight when tha says awm an' Englishman, at onnyrate awm a Brummagem when awm at hooam, an' aw hooap it weant be long befoor awm back. But what are we to get for yor braikfast?"

We ordered some coffee an' eggs an' a beefsteak an' wol we wor gettin it, aw ax'd him ha it wor he seem'd soa dissatisfied wi th' place?

"Th' place ud do weel enuff if ther wor owt to be made at it, but ther isnt hauf as monny fowk as what ther's accomodation for, aw've lost a gooid bit o' brass sin aw coom an' if yo ax other fowk they'll tell yo th' same tale."

When we'd finished he tuk us up a corkscrew staircase an' showed us two raams—they wor cleean, thers noa denyin' that, an' they wor furnished, after a fashion—part Parisian an' pairt Brummagem—aw should think what wor in em booath had'nt been bowt for a penny less nor thirty shillin', but ther wor white lace curtains up to th' winders an' they lukt varry weel throo th' aghtside an' that wor all at mattered. We booath on us wanted a wesh, an' on a little table we'd each on us a cream jug an' sugar basin, an' we had to mak th' best on em; thear wor noa feear on us sloppin' ony watter abaat, for if we had ther'd ha been nooan left. After dippin' us finger ends in we rubbed us faces ovver an' tryin' to believe at we wor a deeal better for th' trouble we started for a luk raand aghtside. Aw thowt Billy lukt varry glum agean an' as he did'nt offer to tell me th' reason aw axd him if ther wor owt'at had'nt suited him?

"Ther's nowt'at has suited me soa far, an' what's moor nor that ther's net likely to be—an' to mend matters when aw come to luk i' mi box, awm blessed if aw hav'nt come withaat a cleean shirt."

"Why," aw says, "ther's a shop across th' rooad at sells em soa tha can easily mak that reight," soa we went inside an' aw tell'd him as plain as iwer aw could spaik'at we wanted a shirt, an' aw pointed to his mucky dicky. "Wee, wee," he sed, an' jabbered away, an' Billy tawked back to him like a man, an' gave him sich a karacter i' broad Yorsher as awm sewer he wod'nt want i' writin' if he wor lukkin aght for a fresh shop. Th' ticket wor easy to read soa Billy paid him six francs an' walked away wi it in a breet green paper box, an' we turned back to us lodgins for him to put it on. He had'nt been up stairs long befoor aw thowt one ov his bilious attacks had come on agean—"Sammy!" he bawled aght, "come here!" soa aw went to see what wor to do.

"Luk thear! What does yond chap tak us for? Awm in a gooid mind to tak this back an' shove it daan his throit! Is ther owt like a woman abaat me, thinks ta?"

Thear it wor reight enuff, printed on th' box i' big letters, "Chemise." "Well, he's varry likely made a mistak, here mistress!" aw sed as shoo wor just passin th' door, "shirt—he wants a shirt an' they've seld him a shift." Shoo lifted her e'e broos ommost to th' top ov her heead an' lukt at th' box an' then shoo pointed to his dicky an' sed, "Chemise! wee, wee."

"Shoo's war nor a guinea pig, wi her ivverlastin' 'wee wee,'" sed Billy, an' he wor shuttin' th' box up agean but shoo coom up an' tuk it aght an' awm blowed if it wornt a shirt after all. After that we decided to goa to th' Exhibition an' spend th' furst day thear—but as Billy wor detarmined net to walk an' wod call at ivvery shop'at had one o' Bass's or Alsop's cards ith' winder it tuk us wol after dinnertime to get thear, but it wornt after th' time'at we could do wi a dinner for all that, but ther wor soa mich to see wol aitin seem'd ommost aght o' th' question—even Billy, although he wor walkin up an daan oppen maath seemed to ha forgetten to grow dry. They manage theas things better i' France; (aw fancy aw've heeard that befoor) but although aw know awst nivver be able to do justice to it, yet aw think aw owt to give yo as gooid an' accaant as aw can. Well then to begin wi; we'll goa back a little bit an' mak a fair start.

In a strange country mooast things luk strange an' ith' walk we'd had we saw a deeal at capt us, but nowt moor surprisin' nor th' amaant o' ugly wimmen. We'd come prepared to be dazzled wi female luvliness an' grand dresses but ther wor nowt at sooart to see. Th' mooast on em wor dark skinned—sharp een'd, podgy-bodied, dowdy-donned crayturs'at lukt varry mich like wesherwimmen aght o' wark. Th' chaps wor better lukkin' bi th' hauf, but Billy sed he thowt they'd luk better if they'd stop off suppin' red ink an' get some gooid ale an' beef onto ther booans. But ther's one thing'at aw dooant believe ony Frenchman can do, an' that is, slouch along th' street wi his hands in his pockets like a thorough-bred Yorksherman! Even them at's huggin looads o' boxes an' hampers o' ther rig, (sich looads as a Yorksher chap ud stand an' luk at wol somdy went an' fotched a horse an' cart,) trip away as if they'd somewhear to goa, an' as if ther feet had been created to carry ther body an' net as if it wor th' body at had been intended to trail th' feet after it. An' yet someha or other, nubdy seemed to be in a hurry—th' street cars are run thear to save th' trouble o' walkin', but ther seems to be noa idea o' savin time. If a chap wants to ride he nivver thinks to wait wol a car comes up to him, he walks on till he ovvertaks one. Th' cabs are a little bit better as regards speed but aw could'nt help thinkin' at if they'd give th' horses moor oats an' less whip it ud be better for all sides. Aw nivver i' mi life heeard owt like th' whipcrackin' at wor to be heeard ith' busy streets, it reminded me o' nowt soa mich as th' fourth o' July in America; ivvery driver wor alike an' ther whips went wi as mich regilarity as a wayver's pickin' stick. To us it wor a newsance an' for th' chaps it must ha been hard wark but th' horses did'nt seem to tak ony nooatice—but if they give'em plenty o' whip aw dooant think they oft kill'em wi wark, for we passed monny a team o' six or eight mucky lukkin' grays, big booaned an' ill tended an' wi heeads on'em like soa monny churns turned th' wrang end up, at wor walkin' i' single file an' suppooased to be draggin' a waggon wi a looad ov abaat hauf a tun. Ther wor noa shops or buildins'at had owt abaat'em to admire an' aw must confess aw felt a trifle disappointed, but aw wor detarmined net to show it, for Billy had curled up his nooas when he started aght an' if he did spaik at all it wor allusth' same strain o' regret for what he'd left, an' contempt for all he'd fun.

This wornt varry mich to be wondered at, as we discovered next day'at we'd been trailin abaat throo all th' back slums an' had nivver once getten onto th' reight track, an' it wor moor bi gooid luck nor gooid management at we ivver fan th' exhibition buildin' at all, but when we did, even Billy could'nt grummel. It wor a queer feelin at coom ovver