sentiment, but I have no need for the
kindness you offer me.

Urania
I don't understand this. This isn't the way you usually talk.

Spruce (low)
He's very rude, the way he talks. The better for us.

Urania
Please, let's go in to dinner.

McNaughten (low)
I'll humor her.
(Aloud)
I cannot now. I have some other business.

Urania'
I don't want to force you, but I'm frightened by your coldness.

McNaughten (furiously) What the Devil is this! Leave and finish. I am neither hot nor cold for you.

Jenny Well! Can he carry this impudence any farther? Stop, sir, you push your insolence too far. My word, if you come to us again, I'm going to slam the door in your face.

Urania
But, where've you been? Stop hiding things from me.

McNaughten You pretend to be ignorant, Madame, but you know very well. Didn't you see me on the stage coach. So, you know where I've been and where I'm going. It's your business.

Urania
What a reproach! And what stage are you talking of?

McNaughten The most vulgar one can go on. I doubt there's another between London and Bristol that better jolts the passengers.

Urania (helplessly)
Jenny, you're right, he's lost his mind.

Jenny He hasn't lost a thing. Surely, he's had too much to drink. It's wine that carries him to these extravagances.

McNaughten I've had enough of your impertinences. More important business calls me away, and it's to finish that business that I am here. To get married, and not to dine with creatures like you who seek adventures.

Urania
Creatures! Adventures! Heavens! What a way to speak to me!

Jenny Creatures! Ah, Madame, here are two fabulous cheats. If you listen to me, we'll box their ears and avenge our pride.

McNaughten
Softly, if you please. Moderate your passion.

Jenny I've never felt so wild. I would have spared the valet—but he does nothing to separate himself from his master. Why, Spruce?

Spruce I don't wish to know of your differences. I do not want to fight with you. If he brutalizes you, why blame me?

Urania How unhappy I am and how weak to have declared my affection for this ingrate! Jenny, you know it—I hide nothing from you.

Jenny
Perfidious wretch—isn't your heart touched?

McNaughten There, there, take it easy. If this extreme love has come on so swiftly, mark my words, it will soon pass off.

Urania (having made up her mind)
Go!— Expect nothing more from me, but hate and malice.

McNaughten
Fine. I can easily do without your favors.

Jenny
Ah, cursed renegade. Most wicked man in the world. May Heaven punish
you and Hell confound you. By rights, we should strangle you.
(Aside)
Surely, he's been bewitched—he just isn't himself.

(Exit Urania and Jenny in great wrath)

McNaughten Go with God, my princess. Choose more wisely where you form your rapid attachments. But see, what rage, what an outburst of passion. Now I feel a bit sorry, the Devil's tempting me. The maid had an appetizing face.

Spruce (aside) I'd better stop this. (Aloud) You've fought very bravely to the end—and one cannot praise your strength too highly. But beware, they might come back. Who knows what they will try next? So as not to have any more interruptions, let's go into the hotel. Then, if you think me worthy of some employment, you can give me something to do.

McNaughten I am dying to see the woman I am going to marry. Curiosity, more than love, pushes me on.

Spruce After you've inspected your room and freshened up, I will gladly escort you to her.

McNaughten
Good—wait until I return.

(Exit McNaughten to the hotel)

Spruce
I am going to find my master to find out what state things are in.
He'll look well in mourning. Courage, Spruce, be firm. Steady head,
steady hand. I will need all my skill.

CURTAIN

ACT II. Later that day.

Scene I. The same. Captain McNaughten, dressed in mourning enters, in conversation with Spruce.

Spruce Nothing is more surprising! Your resemblance to your twin passes belief. You and he are really one. With you both dressed in black, no one can tell the difference. I, your valet, cannot even be sure. So as not to be deceived myself, let me put a mark on you. Give me your hat.

Captain (giving his hat to Spruce)
What do you intend to do?

Spruce (putting a yellow ribbon on the hat) To put my mark on you, just like your father did, to better distinguish you.

Captain
I think you're trying to make me laugh.

Spruce
I'm not joking. I could very easily make a mistake.

Captain Mr. Torrington is already quite taken in. He met me right away, was very obliging, and within the hour will pay me my money.

Spruce What! He's going to pay over the entire inheritance? Sixty thousand pounds.

Captain (airily)
The whole thing.

Spruce What an honest man. But, let me tell you what has happened. On this very spot, others have taken your twin for you. Urania did so, and so did Jenny. Urania wanted to have him for dinner. He, surprised, not knowing what to say, and taking it to be a trap for his virtue, treated her very rudely, and was almost ready to fight with her. If I hadn't made peace between them, there would have been a mortal battle between man and woman.

Captain
Haven't they suspected the mistake?

Spruce How can they suspect you? For twenty years, they've thought you dead, and never, no matter how hard they try, can they figure the situation out.

Captain It's a pleasant adventure, and keeps me in good humor. But look—my father-in-law's coming. Let's carry on the sport. Accost him immediately.

(Enter Sir George Hastings)

Spruce
Sir, are you an honest man by the name of Hastings?

Hastings
That's my name.

Spruce
Delighted to meet you. Here is my master, freshly arrived, named
McNaughten, coming from Scotland, just to marry your daughter.

Hastings Ah, sir, hopefully this unexpected meeting will show you how glad I am you are here.

Captain And you, too, sir, witness a parallel joy and respect in your intended son-in-law.

Hastings Your figure, your air, your wit—enchant me. My heart would be completely happy if your late uncle, whom I met with often to conclude this marriage, was still alive.

Captain Ah, sir, don't recall his death. An uncle that I loved with a tender regard. This boy can tell you of my excessive sorrow, and how, at his death, I was awash in tears.

Spruce How Heaven made his soul miserable! But to speak of him is to touch a very tender nerve and might— But he was very old.

Hastings
Not so very old, same age with me, about fifty.

Spruce The word old can be understood in many ways. I speak of old with respect to his health. He was always complaining of some infirmity.